Today, was one big inhale of grace.

5:30am- a little boy cries in his crib sitting up, still asleep but crying.  I stagger in sleeplessly, pull a little boy onto my shoulder, his head goes limp as it finds its place- tucked right between the side of my chin and the nestle of my collar bone.  His tear smears my cheek.  His breath puffs out through his pacifier and smells as sweet as he is, and all of my grumbling is silenced by the all consuming love I feel for him.  He clings. He is comforted.

I lay him back down.  Tuck him in with his blankets snug like I always do, with the light little blanket over his left arm and under his ear.  He cries.  I pick him up again.  We repeat our moment.  I lay him down again.  More cries that say- “I want to be held.”

I make a groggy judgement call.  Tired, half-asleep mommy + crying clingy baby… lets give him his bottle early and see if he’ll snuggle in bed and fall back to sleep.  

5:45 A baby drinks warm milk in my arms in the dark, perfectly sinking into my pillow.  I lay may head back and close my eyes as I hear every gulp.  Every sweet gulp.  I place the bottle on the night stand and feel anxious- what if he doesn’t go back to sleep?  Then, I remember- God says we can ask for anything.  So I prayed “Lord please give this baby and his mommy just a little more sleep together in this bed.  Next thing I know, my boy is out cold in my arms- and I inhale.  grace.  Our eyes closed.

We sleep until 6:45.  I wonder how sweet that hour was for the Lord, to look down on us and know that he granted that hour.  To see his beloved children sleeping peacefully.  To know that he granted that rest.  That joy of caring for a little one.  To know that he met our need.  Like a kind daddy would.  

That’s what these days are like… passing so quickly.  And I am inhaling that its happening.  Because one day it won’t be.  And each passing day is not a guarantee.  One day my boy will be sent to where He is suppose to go, and I will inhale a new kind of grace… the grace of dear memories, the grace of seeing him grow up, seeing who he will become, where he will go.  So I inhale everything.  

Its all grace. 

To be his mom.   Grace.  The privilege is mine.  

Photo Credit: http://oisoioi.com/

Last weekend, the staff women and I took a weekend retreat away.  I was so in need of a time of refreshment!   It really is such a gift to step back from the chaos, from the day to day things to examine my life, my heart, my patterns.  To pray, to talk to other women, to get an uninterrupted morning talking to Jesus, to workout, to listen to songs on my ipod that minister to me.  This all helps me be a better mom and wife.  And the guys got to have their first guys weekend! I didn’t feel guilty one bit.  Of course, I missed my boys!!  I had Nick txting me pics the whole time.   It was definitely tough for me to restrain the probably way too much amount of kisses I normally give Isaac in a given day.  But I made it through and enjoyed my time like it should be enjoyed when you are at a cozy cabin with dear friends.I welcomed Saturday morning because it was intended to be silent to read the word, pray, journal, go for a walk, listen to music, or what have you.  What a luxury!  Before we headed into our quiet morning, we ate breakfast and a staff girl shared a from the book “King’s Cross,” which I really need to read, but anyway, she shared about the point of our lives as Christians is to be led into God’s arms.  What God is doing through all of our circumstances is leading us into his arms.  I love that picture because it speaks of God’s fatherly character.  He is a father to us.  He wraps us in his arms like Nick wraps Isaac in his.   We discussed from the book that every woman is experiencing something very different.  Our paths are all unique and chosen by God for us to walk through for the purpose of knowing God so near, so sweet that we would be right in his arms, even if we are broken and crying or if we are experiencing great joy.  In King’s Cross, it talks about being on a thorny path that is leading you into God’s arms or being on a sunny path leading us into his arms.  The reflection question was:  What path (sunny or thorny) are you on and how are your unique circumstances (weather painful or delightful) leading you into God’s arms?

Good question, huh?  I sat and pondered for a while.  How is this unique season of motherhood leading me into God’s arms?  I pondered.  To be honest, my path feels thorny or sunny entirely dependent on the day at hand.   This season isn’t overall thorny, nor overall sunny.  The hard moments are really hard.  The joyful moments are so overflowing my heart could burst.  There are thorny days.  There are sunny days.  And let’s face it, in the dead of February/March in Minnesota, it can feel like the sunny days are farther or fewer between!  Anyway, here’s what I pondered and processed while I was there!  These are the ways…I think… that I am being led into God’s arms.

Being a mom breaks me and softens me more deeply.   When I get stuck in sinful attitudes, my heart breaks more frequently over that.  So where do I go?  I may refuse his arms as long as I can, but eventually, I end up there because I can’t resist his kindness, his soft tender invitation.   Nowadays… my attitudes are noticed by a little one who is watching and learning and a husband who is on the receiving end of many of my “attitudes.”  This makes me cry out the the Lord for repentance.  Lord, help me repent.  Help my little one see that mommy has a relationship with a God who is so gentle, so kind that she can cry out to him during the day when she’s angry and upset and he forgives her and listens.  Help my little one see how gracious and merciful Jesus is by the kind way his daddy treats his mommy when she’s upset.  That’s the Jesus I want them to know.  The Jesus that can help them in any moment.   Being known by my children for the good, bad and the ugly calls me to a greater place of desperation before the Lord.  This makes me love his gospel more.  This gospel that allows me to be broken, that can change me, free me, transform me, humble me, help me repent.  I see my anger in my heart, then I see my son come riding on his little toy car with the biggest, unrefined smile I’ve ever seen- and something softens, something tugs at my soul to call on the holy spirit and ask for his help to change my heart.

Seeing how patient Jesus is with me.  Jesus doesn’t require my obedience to him to be a one-time event because he knows I can’t do it.  That’s why his obedient life was given in exchange for mine.  What a freeing, sweet gift!   He allows it to be a beautiful process of breakdowns, repentance, prayer, seeking community and receiving the power of his spirit to help me obey him.  He is so patient with me!  This makes me long to be more patient with everyone around me.

Its beyond my own strength and understanding.  I can’t do it.  I can’t.  Not on my own.  Parenthood is a community project.  And dang, sometimes its hard.   Its daunting when I forget that God knows just what he is doing!  And that he doesn’t require perfection from me, but asks that I humble myself and trust him.  I look at the scope of motherhood- all of the seasons, all of the ages, all of the trials ahead.  My own limitations overwhelm me.  I cannot do it.  Lord, I need you.  I need to know you love me.  I need to know that even when I fail at this, I am yours.  Ultimately, I am not a mother.  I am your daughter, your beloved, your bride.  I’m in over my head, and that is ok.  God is the God of my children’s lives.  He provides the community I need, and the community they need.  I can trust him for that.

Knowing the Lord as Refuge  I have a weekly date with Jesus. I go to the same place and order the same thing ever y Saturday morning.   Kind of like an old man, I guess Dang, I AM getting older!  But you know what?  This requires consistency.  I go when I don’t feel like going.  I need to go.  My soul needs it for survival.  Nick is so sweet to give me this time away.  Jesus is a person who desires relationship with us, so I like to think of him in my life as my most precious relationship to be invested in, knowing intimately, spending time with, talking to, listening, etc.  I honestly don’t know why I have not done this regularly previous to this season!  My relationship with Jesus feels more like a relationship now more than ever because I am talking to him all the time.  About my insecurities, my struggle with comparison, my anxieties, my fears, I am praying for people more, laying down burdens, confessing my sins, I am being in his presence and finding refuge.  My Saturday morning times are so refreshing, I love getting away, knowing its carved out time to be with the Lord, to talk to him alone, to ponder his truths, to hide in his refuge.  To remember I am loved, I am free, there is a heaven coming where there will be no more tears and suffering.   Sometimes I pull my hoodie sweatshirt over my head with my headphones in, and just stare out the window while music seeps into my soul and mind and heart.  The Lord always knows what I need, and sometimes that’s all I have energy for!  Once, I even fell asleep at Caribou next to the fireplace… yes, I am that mom.

There are tons of opportunities for the gospel.  I get to tell Isaac the real gospel in my own life.  There are plenty of days where I say repeatedly, “Mommy doesn’t want to obey God right now.  I can understand why its hard for you to obey too, Isaac.  Mommy needs Jesus right now.  Mommy was angry this morning, that’s why mommy needs Jesus to die for her.  Jesus loves mommy so much, he loves you too Isaac, more than anyone in the world.”  He says in his little one year old cute voice “Chezuz.”  He knows that word well.   He also calls his string cheese “Cheezus.”  Someday he will understand that cheese is not Jesus  But seeds… we’re sewing seeds  Its not my job to make him understand, that is the work of the holy spirit.   He gets to see that mommy is not obedient all the time.  Mommy needs Jesus more than anything and anyone.  Motherhood creates powerful, real life opportunities to share the sweet gospel of grace to our precious little ones who need to know grace!

 I feel more compassionate for others who feel weak or suffering.  When I hear Isaac cry, it resonates.  the world is broken, its not how it is suppose to be.  here on earth, there are tears.  There is sadness.  it melts my heart towards others who are sad or suffering..  It causes me to pray and long for Jesus to come back and save the lost, to restore all people from their brokenness into his loving arms.

I look at other’s lives as “whole lives.”  I think about people more in terms of their whole life, what has happened to them, why they think like they think, what events have been significant that have shaped them from early childhood on… people are not just angry impatient customers at the store… they were once a baby, they were shaped and treated, taught, etc.  they are a myriad of life events stringing together that have taught that person who they are and what things are important, etc. People are whole lives.  I feel softer to that.  I feel compelled to want to know people in a deeper way.

Where the real joy is found.  Jesus said that he endured the cross “for the joy set before him.”  He wasn’t kidding about that if after his crucifixion he was raised from the dead to be crowned the king of glory.   He suffered.  His joy came in the end.  Jesus also said that there is no greater joy than to lay down his life for his friends.  He knew that in his giving, his suffering, he was giving us so great a gift (our salvation) that he could not separate the joy when he thought about the pain.  Because the pain meant the joy was coming.  I am sure that I don’t understand that to the degree that Jesus did.  But I now have a glimpse of that.  As I lay my life down for Isaac weather its through sleepless nights, the pukiest pregnancy ever, tantrums, crawling on the floor with him enjoying building towers, letting my child take my entire body from me with stretch-marks to prove it , spending Friday nights pureeing crazy amounts of fruits and vegetables, grocery shopping when my mind is so fried I cannot even remember why I am standing in the pasta aisle when  what I need is milk and a rotisserie chicken… yes this is a recap of last Sunday  I was standing in the checkout line at 10pm while my eyes twitched, and all in a moment… I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my life, for the privilege it is to care for my husband and son, to do secret little things for them that they may one day never know or remember, but as I stood there in the line, I knew Jesus in a deep way.  No, it didn’t initially want to be there. But in the checkout line, I knew that’s how Jesus loves me every moment, that’s how he serves me, that’s how he operates.  He gave when he didn’t feel like it.  He gives, I take.  And only sometimes do I acknowledge and thank him.  But he never requires my thanking him or my giving back.  He just gives because it makes him happy to see us blessed. In giving my life away to my family and to people I care about makes me happy too, if they are being blessed by it, encouraged and helped.  This is joy  that lets me feel grateful  as I put the last dish in the dishwasher while my eyes are burning. In fact, nothing about my life anymore is on my own terms.  Nothing goes the way I always plan.  I use to think that the real joy is found in those plans, in that allusion of control, in a quiet environment, trips away with my husband, sleeping in every weekend, getting to do what I want, when I want, how I want.  But the real joy is Jesus arms around me while I am scrubbing caked strawberry smoothie off of the refrigerator while a can of rootbeer explodes all over me, and my lovey is in his high chair watching youtube baby Einstein on repeat and eating string cheese.   Sure, I’d love to be alone at Starbucks in that moment or on a tropical vacay with the hubs.  But this is where the real joy is found.  Here on the floor, serving, getting dirty, saying- Jesus you satisfy my soul, I get to know you in the lowly things.  You were so lowly for me.  Thank you Jesus, thank you.   Deliver me from myself,  let me see your beauty here.

I am emptied of understanding everything.  I frequently don’t understand what God is doing, why he’s doing it how he is.  But I am invited to receive his peace in that.  To surrender control.  To say I don’t know, but I know who God tells me He is in his word.  I know his character, and I can bank on his steadfast unchanging heart. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I know who he is.  I know what he’s promised.  I know what is coming.

Growing in intimacy in relationships.  My relationships in life growing and deepening in intimacy because well, I am so weak, and I’m being known in that.  As I grow in the gospel, intimacy is the result.   Being a mom, I am more tired, more expended, etc. and this all reveals my sin in a really obvious and unhidden way.  I snap more quickly.  As I see my sin more, I fall more and more in love with Jesus.  He really loves me!  He really has washed away my sin from who I am.  He died for me.  Oh I love him now more than ever.   He is really transforming me in the mess!  As a mom, I am known more in my relationships and more exposed, therefore I experience more connection in my relationships.  I have called friends in tears on a bad day, or to ask for help about something, etc.  I am walking through life with friends who are coming from the same place of weakness, and this leads me into his arms.

So, at our women’s retreat away, I talked to Jesus about these things.  About how this is really hard for me sdays moments. About how I don’t fully embrace the part of life not being on my own terms.  But, I knew without a doubt that this path of interruptions, serving, cleaning, cooking a LOT or ordering Domino’s a lot , puking, bruised body parts from birth, unloading the dishwasher a lot, getting dirtier more frequently, dreaming for the lives of others more than my own successes or achievements, snuggling, rocking, laughing, singing, dancing, playing, loving, building up my family, thinking for their needs and expending myself… is the life I really want.  Because in the end, there is deep deep joy in laying down your life for your friends.  Because people are worth it.  This is the path that is leading me into my father’s arms.  This is the path that is showing me the craziest joy and at times deepest pains.  In the chaos and mess of ourselves and our home, there is deep love in our relationships.  There is the holy spirit carrying us through.  We have an abundant, abundant, FULL life because of Jesus love for us.

The Lord really is giving me the grace to see all of these things as beauty lately.   I know it is a work of him to see the hard days as a gift, a privilege- an honor, really.  I am praying he keeps that at the forefront of my heart.  What an honor it is to him to meet all of my needs and to love me unconditionally.  When this love is in my heart, I can easily be expended and love my family and community without conditions, without needing anything returned or reciprocated.

What is the path you are on that is leading you into his arms?  There is beauty in the authenticity.  Your path is not someone else’s..  it is the path the Lord chose sweetly, uniquely, for you.  Praying you really are led into his arms through it!

Isaac has changed a ton in only one month.  I am still swollen with love for him every time I see his sweet face.  I love learning who he is.  I love dreaming and praying for his life, of the man the Lord will make him to be one day.  He will not be 11 months forever, but in these little years Nick and I get the privilege and high calling of teaching him he is loved beyond words.  We take such delight in him.

At 11 months…. here is what he is loving and what he is SAYing!

“Goy-gur” (Yogurt) He crawls around saying this repeatedly, its so funny!

Bunny Grahams, string cheese and yogurt. Pretty sure he could eat only these forever.

Swimming!  He’s a little fish.  He understands “kick your feet” and does it with lots of determination.  Sometimes Daddy comes home early from work to take him on a daddy swimming date to the Y.

Dancing and wiggling.

Says “lalala” when songs come on.

Playing with his friends Ernie, Grayson and Jackson

Standing up on everything

The TV remote.  He knows where I hide it, and he knows how to find it!

When dad gets home.  Sheer over-bubbling, unconfined joy.  Shrills, shreaks, and speedy speedy crawling to the door.  He loves his daddy.

I’d say he now understands around 90% of what I say.  This is fun!  And complicated.

Talking to himself in his crib after naps.

Opening cupboards and knocking anything and everything over.

Eating nasty cheerios off the floor that get stuck under the fridge.  lol.

He can now point to my eyes, nose, ears and teeth.

Says “moo” when we see pictures of cows.

Waves at everyone when he see them.

I am so glad he is my son.  I am so honored to be his mom.  He is a gift when he’s delightful.  He is a gift when he’s screaming and unhappy with what I made for dinner.  :)  I love him.

Here’s some other shots from the past month…

Did I mention he got to spend FOUR days with his Grandma Jane?  She visited from Milwaukee.  She spoiled us all.

Its hard to believe in only a few weeks he will be 1!

(Light Box:  Just christmas lights in an old storage bin once used for wrapping paper.   Definitely saw this idea on pinterest Just turn off the lights and let your baby/toddler explore!)

His Favorite Things:

Crawling and tumbling everywhere around the house

Bath time in the real tub!  (No more baby tub)

Discovering that chicken tastes really really good.

Playing and crawling on his light box.

Talking every minute.  He says:  Da Da, Momma, ball, clucks like a chicken

Waving hello whenever we say “Hello!”

Beginning to stand up on two legs

Playing “Come to Mom” with cheerios

Slobbering us with big wet kisses, he is VERY generous about these

Discovering anything and everything with a pointing finger.

Hiding from dad under the covers under the bed and giggling until dad finds and attacks him

My favorite thing about 10 months is his playful spirit and laughter.  There have been a few days where I have not been in the best mommy mood, and his smile and laughter have melted my heart and shown me that staying stuck in my anger or emotions is not worth it when there is joy to be had.   Oh, the way a baby softens a hardened heart is really one of the Lord’s most unique designs.  The way the Lord has used the joyful spirit of Isaac to bring about confession and repentance in my heart has been so needed. My heart is swollen.  I am thankful.  I love love love my sweet boy more and more, and love what the Lord is teaching me through his sweet and light temperament.

Those cheeks kill me.   I will be sad to see them go  Love these two!

These are my favorite lyrics from this song:

If our blessèd Lord and Maker
Hated men, would He then be of flesh partaker?
If He in our woe delighted,
Would He bear all the care of our race benighted?

The author of this song reasoned that God could not hate mankind or take delight in their suffering if he took it upon himself to become human as we are and then endure the greatest act of injustice in history.  I am reminded that God is on our side and that in our suffering, he weeps with us and sympathizes with us as one who suffered the greatest injustice ever to take place- the innocent, sinless one killed by the guilty,  whom He stands ready to forgive at any moment.   It is so beautiful, his mercy that runs this deep and wide.   Though Christmas is cheery and bright, with gifts, lights and warm memories attached, darkness and death gloom in its shadows.   For many people, this is how Christmas really feels.   Love ones have been lost, and celebrations remind us of what we have been given and what we have lost.  We celebrate and we grieve.  That is the heart of Christ on earth, we grieve our own losses and trials, our own sins and how they put our beloved friend and brother on a cross… and we celebrate that by this very act, we are forgiven, ransomed, and made new, promised the hope of heaven, promised the presence and help of the Lord forever.

For a man to give his life away to the point of death so that we could be where he is and if where He is… is with God… then I can only conclude that being with God must be pretty good.  It must be beyond our imagination good… for a man to act as crazy as Christ.  He must be more enjoyable and good than we could imagine, and He must love us without condition, without boundaries, without hesitation.  I can only conclude that He is on our side.

“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”  - Jesus (John 14:3)

It reminds me of Hebrews 12:2 “…looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

There was no greater joy to Christ than to give us our salvation.

All my heart this night rejoices

Words: Paul Ger­hardt, Prax­is Pi­e­ta­tis Mel­i­ca, 1656 (Fröh­lich soll mein Herze spring­en); trans­lat­ed from Germ­an to Eng­lish by Cath­er­ine Wink­worth, Lyra Ger­man­i­ca, 2nd Ser­ies, 1858.  Music: Eb­e­ling, Jo­hann G. Eb­e­ling, 1666

All my heart this night rejoices,
As I hear, far and near, sweetest angel voices;
“Christ is born,” their choirs are singing,
Till the air, everywhere, now their joy is ringing.

For it dawns, the promised morrow
Of His birth, who the earth rescues from her sorrow.
God to wear our form descendeth;
Of His grace to our race here His Son He sendeth.

Yea, so truly for us careth,
That His Son, all we’ve done, as our offering beareth;
As our Lamb Who, dying for us,
Bears our load, and to God, doeth in peace restore us.

Hark! a voice from yonder manger,
Soft and sweet, doth entreat, “Flee from woe and danger;
Brethren, come; from all that grieves you
You are freed; all you need I will surely give you.”

Come, then, let us hasten yonder;
Here let all, great and small, kneel in awe and wonder,
Love Him Who with love is yearning;
Hail the star that from far bright with hope is burning.

Ye who pine in weary sadness,
Weep no more, for the door now is found of gladness.
Cling to Him, for He will guide you
Where no cross, pain or loss, can again betide you.

Hither come, ye poor and wretched:
Know His will is to fill every hand outstretchèd;
Here are riches without measure,
Here forget all regret, fill your hearts with treasure.

Blessèd Savior, let me find Thee!
Keep Thou me close to Thee, cast me not behind Thee!
Life of life, my heart Thou stillest,
Calm I rest on Thy breast, all this void Thou fillest.

Thee, dear Lord, with heed I’ll cherish;
Live to Thee and with Thee, dying, shall not perish;
But shall dwell with Thee for ever,
Far on high, in the joy that can alter never.

Forth today the Conqueror goeth,
Who the foe, sin and woe, death and hell, o’erthroweth.
God is man, man to deliver;
His dear Son now is one with our blood forever.

Shall we still dread God’s displeasure,
Who, to save, freely gave His most cherished Treasure?
To redeem us, He hath given
His own Son from the throne of His might in Heaven.

Should He who Himself imparted
Aught withhold from the fold, leave us broken hearted?
Should the Son of God not love us,
Who, to cheer sufferers here, left His throne above us?

If our blessèd Lord and Maker
Hated men, would He then be of flesh partaker?
If He in our woe delighted,
Would He bear all the care of our race benighted?

He becomes the Lamb that taketh
Sin away and for aye full atonement maketh.
For our life His own He tenders
And our race, by His grace, meet for glory renders.

It goes without saying that its been a WHILE since I last blogged.  Maybe I’ve been busy being a mom or something.  The last 6 months.  Where do I even begin?  I’m not sure where to start.  There are plenty of thoughts, plenty of new discoveries and emotions and new things the Lord is speaking to my heart… but to communicate them…  not sure that I could.  Truth be told, I’m a little too tired these days to organize my thoughts into sentences and words onto a blog AND when there is a choice between the laundry, dishes, making dinner or a shower … blogging takes last place.  I’d prefer to sit and have coffee with you than write you in a blog…and trust me… I DO like my coffee A LOT these days but sometimes I feel compelled to share what I’m learning here in the bloggity world.

Well… I guess around 5-6 months, things feel less and less blurry and coming into focus.  (When I say “things” I mean:  motherhood, marriage adjusting to parenthood, time with the Lord, rediscovering what it means to have friends and community after a long and pukey pregnancy, etc.)  The first few months were a mixture of sleepless nights, overall cluelessness, and sheer falling in love with baby bliss.   Who am I kidding?  We are still falling in love over here… I have a feeling that’s not going to let up soon Getting to hold Isaac, kiss all over his sweet face, nurse him for the thousandth time, meet his needs was and still is an incredible gift.  What a huge, overwhelming season of blessings this is.  What a huge, overwhelming gift Isaac is!

My favorite part of the day is going to get him after he wakes up from his naps.  We have our little routine down.  I hear a few yawns, a few aaahs and coos over the monitor, and I swing open his door, open the shades while saying, “My Love!  My Love!”  To which he responds by doing the super man on his tummy while squealing and smiling, burying his face into the mattress, flailing up and down, then more smiling and squealing, popping his paci in and out of his mouth, showing off his skills.  Naturally, he’s REALLY happy to see me.  Like most people are.  Ok, maybe it’s a baby thing  Friends.  It. Is. Too. Precious.  I cannot contain how much I swell with love for him in these moments!  What a sweet boy!

The love that a parent feels for a child, well it’s confirmed.  All the veterans out there warned me, and well…they were right. There is depth to this love that is unspeakable and unbloggable.  How could we ever express the affection we feel towards our own, dear precious children?

I love being a mom.  LOVE LOVE LOVE it.   Being Nick’s wife continues to be an even deeper and sweeter gift as the years go by. That is something I’ve always loved, but seeing my best friend transform into a father, hearing Isaac giggle in the other room from Nick’s tickling and wrestling when he comes home from work, seeing him light up when I say “Da Da is home!”  Letting Nick comfort me in an emotional moment… my husband is so utterly gracious and patient, and I feel now more than ever what a gift he is to me.

AS big and huge and great gifts as Nick and Isaac are to me, what an even bigger and all surpassing gift the Lord is and has been to me daily.  Who has he been for me lately?  While my mind has been often unfocused and distracted, more than anything he has been the still, small voice in the room letting me know he is here with me.  I don’t remember where I read this yesterday (or what I had for lunch or dinner), but it was a prayer for children- that they would enjoy the refuge of the Lord.  I’ve never enjoyed his refuge as much as I have as a mom.  What an end it brings to my anxieties and worries escaping into his presence, his peace, his fatherly care and wisdom.

But escaping to HIM doesn’t come without a fight against my flesh’s desires for temporary comfort and escape.  To be honest, I’ve found myself “zoning out” to things like facebook, instagram, twitter, etc.  With the tiredness, I’ve had many days where these things have seemed like easier, more tangible ways of “relaxing” and tuning out the demands of the house around me.  But there is restlessness in my soul that can’t be answered by scrolling through screens.  Anyone else feel that?  He’s waking me up to that.

Sure, I enjoy keeping up with people and their pictures, and YES- I need brainless activities and refuge once in a while, but when the Lord is inviting me to run to his word and find freedom from my performance, freedom in my failures, grace and truth and life- what a fight it is to choose to scroll through his word, which has the power to change my attitude, help my fight sin and affect my joy, and re-direct my perspective towards eternal reality and all my identity issues towards his love and acceptance.  Seriously.  As moms, we are so busy and often consumed with random thoughts like “Am I doing the right thing?” “Is my child learning to self sooth?” and “Am I forming a good enough attachment with my child?”  When at the end of a long day, I’m finding that I am the one who needs to learn how to self sooth!!

To scroll through His tender word, weathers it’s a Psalm or anything, whatever it is really an avenue to JOY, to CONTENTMENT, to PEACE… an avenue to FRIENDSHIP… to HOPE in my despair, to FORGIVENESS… to the PROMISE OF ETERNITY… to His PRESENCE in my LONLINESS… to HIM… to all the things I REALLY want.  He’s being loud about that.  Loud about wanting me to have my longings and aches met in him.  Loud about showing me what really brings me joy, the kind that can give me a quiet inner peace and smile just because I know I am HIS and he loves me, and loud about what really just breeds more restlessness.

Friends.  I want to pursue him with whatever strength I have, even if its not much.   I have been noticing that He is what makes me happy, though I often believe happiness is found in my environment.  Why pursue Him when I am so exhausted and unfocused?  Because I know that its worth it.  I’ve been thinking about this, since God commands it.  Why does He encourage us to love him with all our strength, soul and might?   I often feel like I don’t have too much strength and might.   But his kindness draws me in over and again, and he’s proving something to me over time: He is it.  He is everything I want.  Pursuing Him with everything I have takes effort and follow through, it takes slowing down, putting aside tasks once in a while- but it bears fruit in my heart and life.   I guess as a mom, when I grasp any piece of truth, I am usually so thirsty/hungry/dry that I cannot get enough.   I open his word groggy and unmotivated and within minutes, I’m already refreshed.  Sowing the seeds and the soil of simply reading his word is always worth it.  HE is the reward and blessing.  Being with Him is my reward!   Even the Psalmist David says “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand else where!”  When he is my portion, it overwhelms me and makes me happy.

I want to be remembering things during the day like “There is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1),” “I will not turn away from doing them good (Jer. 32),” “My grace is sufficient for you.  My power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9) ” and “I have overcome the world (John 16:33)?”  Scrolling through these promises breathes a sigh of relief in my soul, far more than my social media fixes.

Don’t get me wrong.  I do like my instagram  But what my fragile heart really wants and needs is the eternal God of all grace.  His word reveals the treasures and mysteries of that grace, so when I have a moment, I don’t want to forfeit the chance to get to know more about what that grace means for my life.

Pressing on with you all.  I know its not easy, and many things are grabbing for our attention, focus and energy.  I am often drained at the end of each day!  I want to all the more escape to him and find refuge.

Wow.  I did it.  I blogged.  Maybe in 6 months, I’ll blog again.

Here’s a pic from a highlight of my week, going for a walk with my boys and grabbing dinner at the Wilde Roast Cafe!

They’re pretty handsome!  Sure love them!

Hopefully Bloggin’ again soon,

Katie