Homeless Child

(An Excerpt from my personal journal)
Friday, August 08, 2008
1:49 PM

Father, thank you so much that you love me and forgive me- you shed on me your grace, which I am endlessly undeserving of. God, its amazing how you reach me. Amazing that you reach down to my cold, cold, cold heart. My heart that becomes a stone so fast. My heart that becomes undesirable of the only thing worth desiring- you. God, being married has revealed so much truth to me. It has shown me so much of how hurtful of a person I can be. And it has shown me such a picture of Jesus, of how much Nick forgives me and loves me and stands by my side. God, you are growing me, slowly, there is so much evidence of grace in my life. I am overwhelmed by the grace poured out on such a sinner. Its like when vanilla ice cream drowns underneath oodles of thick, chocolate fudge. I am the drowning vanilla ice cream. Your forgiveness clothes me like thick fudge.

Lord, I have been wandering, sinking, falling away from treasuring you. I have put my hope in things I own, put too much faith in flesh and bone, lived carelessly.

I am begging you Jesus to give me new perspective. Give me a new heart, new hands, new feet, a desire to give away my life.

Father, its taking all I am not break down and cry in Caribou right now. My heart is just so broken.  So confused about how being a Christian is possible when I am such a hypocrite. And yet- this is what being a Christian is. Being a hypocrite and being forgiven for it.

Amidst my hiding tears, there is so much peace. That at the end of the day, your approval and acceptance of me is given to me- because I am covered in the righteousness of Christ.

Father, its kind of unbelievable. That I most often think that I am clinging to the good in me to get by, that the good in me will save me and cover up the bad in me, that the good in me will out way the mean thoughts, the hurtful words, the selfish actions, the wasted time. But this is a lie in every moment because what Paul writes in Romans is true. Rom 3:10-12 as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one, no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Not even one. Translation: Not even me. Not even anyone on the planet.
What is true in every moment is that I am really clinging to your grace. Its your grace that will cover up the bad, that will forgive the mean thoughts, words, actions, that will erase the times I run away. Father, I often feel like a homeless child running away from someone who loves and provides, forgives, extends help- you. With dirt on my face and tears, I run out on the street, clothes torn. I am exposed. There is one light shining down one road. There are thousands that are dark and unlit. Even the Christian me is running down these dark roads. I run and run, but you chase me and you pull me out because you know I will get hurt. You know that I will not find joy at the end of these roads. You know that I will get beat up, torn apart, and killed down these roads. There is the road of posessions- of wanting things, of coveting what others have. There is the road of vanity- of endless mirrors staring back at me, of caring so much how my image looks to the world. The road of flesh and bone- of bowing down to physical pleasure- sex, food, exercise. The road of bitterness- not letting go of jealousy, comparison, things in my life that have been painful, The road of Anger-running deeper, wanting to blame everyone who passes me… oh how the roads could go on and on… oh how I am dying on these roads… oh how I need you to carry me out of them. I am beaten and destroyed by my sinful heart, desires, and flesh.
~ — ~
Now I feel as if I’m spinning and I keep seeing the lit road in the dark, and I am so attracted to it. I am attracted to you, after being lured onto so many other paths.  I am so tired of these dark paths. I am so torn apart by the idolatry in my life. I see you, and I want to run into you. I want to collide with your light, live in it, feel it light up what feels closed, what feels depressed- my heart of stone. I am dying to break right now, dying to know you, every piece of you, Jesus. As satisfying as my life is, as satisfying as my husband is, the most satisfying thing I have found in this life is to treasure you above all else. This is what I am crying for, what I want most.