katie stromwall's blog

If you follow my blog regularly, you’ve gotten a glimpse of how sweet and how sanctifying (which also means: to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate) marriage is… because I’ve let you into the ebbs and flows of our life as newlyweds. If you grew up watching movies like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, and basically any other chick flicks, you have been led astray just like me. You have been led to believe that if you are beautiful and have no stomach, big boobs, and a nice butt to stare at, you will win the heart of another piece of eye candy who will sweep you off your perfectly cute feet, marry you, and then you’ll live “Happily _______ _______.” I have no doubt you can fill in the blanks.

Perhaps you weren’t led astray by the ferry-tales of Disney, but I was. Do you know what I heard on Minnesota Public Radio the other day? That Disney makes more sales selling princess and bridal accessories to five-year-olds than any other Disney Disney apparel… SAD! Five-year-olds are suppose to be skipping around in fields, playing and eating peanut-butter and jelly, not idolizing these female non-real characters as they prance around in bikinis while searching for their life-long lovers! Ok. I’ll stop my Disney rant. I really do like Cinderella.

Anyway. Marriage HELPS with SOME problems and is most definitely the sweetest gift apart from Christ I’ll ever be given in this life, but Hollywood did not prepare me for what is actually true about marriage. This is why I am so utterly thankful to have parents who are still happily married and to have been discipled/mentored by older Christian single and married women throughout college who gave me a REAL picture of singleness and marriage, the joys and struggles that befall, and how to be content either way. While its true that marriage does equate entering into a new and exciting chapter FILLED with amazing blessings, it helps to be sobered and trained for how to walk through what often becomes a battlefield.

I seem to be eagerly alert for the day that my marriage could at some point become my life’s biggest battle (and at times, feels like it!) … because in our culture it just seems that we’re doomed to expect it at some point, and in no form or fashion am I above the rest. But I do want to get to the root of why these battles begin, or I fear I’ll never change my ways during conflict with Nick. And I don’t want to be on the pathway of doom. Divorce will never be an option, till death do us part! I said it, and I meant it- forever and ever am I delighted and committed to work through conflict with Nick. I’ll admit I’m still very much a starry-eyed newly wed. Most days I think I could just stare at Nick and do nothing else… but we do have our fights. So, I’ll need help.

Instead of looking to Hollywood for the definition of love and romance, I am going to look to the bible and older, more mature married people than myself. God is the creator of marriage, so you’d think he has a lot more wisdom to offer us than Hollywood’s misrespresentation of the beauty and ideas of what being a woman is, what marriage is, and what husbands are suppose to be. I have yet to be proven wrong that the bible is more helpful than the media around me, but let me let you into a scene from my freshmen year of college…

I was so unsatisfied, but on the outside I had it all: a serious boyfriend, three jobs, perfect grades, a regular exercise routine, and awesome friends. Yet, I wasn’t happy. When circumstances didn’t go my way, do you know who I invited to my pity parties? Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughay. I would watch “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” over and over again or some other chick flick. Seriously, I would pop one into the tiny TV in my dorm room and watch it while planning “cookies and milk” night for our dorm hall. Ridiculous! I think to myself in hindsight. I watched these chick flicks because they displayed what seemed like true love. I would watch them and feel crappy cause I didn’t have it, yet hopeful because these movies seemed to portray that it CAN exist! Oh, if only I knew where to look to find it…

Hollywood combined with my sinful desires destroyed me… before I knew that I could be more loved and accepted by God than I could ever be from people. I assure you that I still watch movies regularly. Its just that I no longer bow down to what they tell me about who I am and what will make me happy in life. After living twenty-one years completely defining myself by the standards of our culture and the media, I have had a rude-awakening, after beginning to trust in Christ, to who I REALLY am and what is REALLY true about my self-worth in the eyes of God.

I’ll never forget the first day of kindergarten. I held a boy named Johnny’s hand, and I believe my teacher had to refrain many testosterone-filled five-year-olds from kissing me. I must have been hard to resist while proclaiming that Santa Clause was real and learning to sound out the alphabet! However, I remember feeling devastated when one boy decided he wanted to kiss Shelly instead of me because Shelly had her ears pierced! The chances of me being loved drastically sunk to somewhere below zero in my mind as a five-year-old. I couldn’t be loved for who I was… I had to have something more to get attention. It didn’t matter how much my parents loved and cherished me (which they did A TON!)… I was born with a natural tendency to sin and to want to be worshipped myself, rather than worship God. I was born with an innate desire to hear what God says, but to totally NOT believe any of it and look everywhere else- ANYWHERE else- but God for love and approval. Age 5-21 were the hardest most unsatisfying years of my life as I chased a false identity for one reason: to be needed and wanted by men.

I wanted to be the object of affection from the opposite sex from a young age. I wanted to be needed. I would do anything to get these things. Nowhere does our culture tell us that being a single woman is a joyful and wonderful experience. If anything, it tells us that the reasons for being a single woman are to show men that you don’t NEED them and you can make it for yourself without them. You can have your “Miss Independent” streak and shun away all attention from men all together. You can prove yourself. Well, I’m sorry. But, honestly, does this angry attempt at “Lone Success” truly make us happy women? What if we could be joyfully single? Patiently single? Single and still desiring the love and affection of an amazing man? I was anything but patient or happy.

I think deep down, we “independence seekers” are still unsatisfied because we were created with an intelligent design- with a radical opportunity to love and enjoy womanhood the way God has created it to be. Does this mean we should all be at home ironing and cooking with pink polka-dotted aprons until hubby and kiddies get home at the end of each day?! NO! Not at all! Perhaps for some, and that is perfectly ok if a woman feels called by God to serve her family and husband in this way. But this isn’t the only way, and its not mandatory for all Christian women. There is a biblical womanhood to be discovered, and it can be lived out in the working world, in politics, in schools, in hospitals, in the music business, in sales, the marketing world, in the home, and in so many other careers.

The sky is the limit with our God-given abilities as women, but it’s the motives and the heart behind why we’re living like we are- that determine if we’ll really be happy and satisfied or not. I think if we’re honest, at the end of the day, we’re all dying to be rescued and swept off our feet by the man of our dreams. Isn’t there a hidden desire in all of us women that wants to be rescued into the arms of a strong and trustworthy leader? I would find it hard to believe if women, at their true core, actually feel satisfied when they are doing the rescuing, date-asking and phone number grabbing.

Little did I know, I was this woman. But I grabbed guys’ attention in different ways than verbal requests for their presence across the table with me on a so-called date. I played the innocent “girl-next-door.” You know, the wholesome girl that people “desire for marriage.” The girl who you could just sit with and pour your heart out to, and she would comfort and listen. She would secretly gain more self-esteem from feeling needed by these relationships in her life. I liked being this girl. This girl that was hard to get, yet so soon would give anything to be in a serious relationship. If a guy EVER pursued me, I thought for about a millisecond before I nearly interrupted the invitation with a hearty and school-girlish: “Yes!” Almost as though I were being proposed to. I said yes as if my life depended on it- depended on assuring myself that I could get attention from men.

I have previously blogged about my struggle with irrational anger. I have no doubt that I will struggle with this again, but I am just now beginning to get to some deeper roots of where this anger is coming from. For most of my life, I have been defined by the amount of attention I could get from guys. As I begin to believe in different standards for who I am and how I am loved by God, I struggle to leave my old ways of thinking and believing. I struggle to believe that I am still worth something, I am still beautiful, and I am still wanted- even if Nick has to finish a work task, or even he would like to spend an hour reading his Popular Mechanics Magazine or spend a few hours playing racquetball at the U of M Rec Center with students. He does these things because he enjoys them, not because he desires them more than me. He would gladly cancel any of these things (and has!) to come running to my side to comfort me and be with me if I’m having a bad day. He will even come home from work for me!

He’s shown me over and over again that he truly cares and loves me more than anything in the world (besides God)… yet I still run to the lie that I’m not worthy of love unless I can remain the most attractive and desirable woman around. I place a lot of anxiety in maintaining this status- this status that says: Katie+ something = lovable. When God is saying to me in every moment: Katie + nothing = always lovable, now that I am saturated with the righteousness of Christ. This makes me worthy of love.

My dream is to be so changed by God’s love for me- His love that doesn’t ask or require me to add anything to who I already am- to believe so much in his grace covering all my shame and sin, that I am unaffected and unshaken if I am not wanted or “needed” by another person or my husband. I am the object of God’s affection all the time! Sadly, I am still living a lot of the time to be the object of someone else’s affection. Namely, my husband. I will love Nick better and be so much more gracious when I become a woman who finds her worth and identity in Christ before I look for my identity in my husband. I am confident that I am becoming this woman ONLY because God is faithful to me, though I go through trials and set-backs. The apostle Paul promises me that God is going to continue to work in me in Philippians Chapter 1.

Phil. 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading as I peel off the layers of myself and expose to you a rather broken and insecure girl, made confident and perfect through Jesus Christ… being made MORE like Him through my husband, Nick Stromwall. He is cuter, sweeter, more gracious, more helpful, more EVERYTHING than I ever dreamed in a the man I would marry. I don’t blame the media for my anger. I will take ownership for my sinful desires involved- my need to get approval, my desire to be perfectly physically attractive, my desire to be worshipped… its not getting these things that make me angry. When I get angry, I’m finding out, its because I am holding myself to a standard I cannot meet, or holding Nick to a standard that he cannot meet. Jesus Christ is the perfect resolution to our conflict. Jesus can meet all of our standards and provide for us a perfect relationship with Him alone, and we don’t have to meet any standards to get his love. We only have to believe that He is real and trustworthy to enter into a life-changing relationship with him.

We will still struggle, but we no longer have to give in to the dominion of sin and lies. Because of Christ, my idea of being a woman has been radically redefined. I can break free from the cultural lies I use to believe in and these recent patterns of anger. I hope that as I learn to believe that I am adored and desired by a perfect God that I will feel less angry and MUCH MORE GRACIOUS towards my husband when conflict arises. The more satisfied I am in God, the more I will give grace. Giving grace shows God’s mercy and kindness. Isn’t this what I want to show others?

I’m beginning to think so.

In Job 9:19, Job says “If it is a contest of strength, behold, he is mighty! If it is a matter of justice, who can summon him?”

Job is so truthful. He doesn’t pretend to understand God or presume to have all knowledge. He regards God within his shattered life and speaks in his uncomfort, honestly stating that he loathes his life. His whole family has died and his body is taken over by disease. Satan’s goal is to get Job to curse God- so he takes away all that Job has been blessed with.

In Job 1:11, Satan says to God, “But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” God agrees to let Satan test Job, “And the Lord said to Satan, Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.”

In Job chapter 9, Job speaks as though he is in a battle with God. In all of his suffering, he acknowledges God’s total supremacy and power. When Job says, “If it is a contest of strength, behold, he is mighty! If it is a matter of justice, who can summon him?” He knows that his own strength is not stronger than God’s. He knows that God is completely just in all his ways, the ultimate and most perfect judge.

Job goes on in chapter 10 to be even more real and vulnerable, “I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.” (Job 10:1)

It is clear from reading in Job that God wants something from us. He doesn’t want our good deeds or our perfect satisfaction at all times- but our broken hearts pleading before him- acknowledging our frailty and inability to help ourselves. He wants us to be so broken that we cry out to him- like Job. And he wants us to cry out in honesty, in fear of God, in belief that he is real and powerful. How comforting to know that God, in his wisdom, included broken people filled with calamity, sin, and bitterness in the bible. We can be comforted because it is these very type of people that can still have relationship with the God of the Universe, who can cry out to him in the midst of despair.

In chapter 7, Job is hopeless. He believes his life is ruined and that there is no hope of redemption or restoration. He’s basically expecting death. He says in Job 7:11, “Therefore, I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” He goes on in verses 13- 16, “When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me, my couch will ease my complaint, then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones. I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.”

Job sees his sickness and despair. Rather than hoping in the eternity after his death, he is expecting death to take him and end it all. It is a hopeless plight. Even so, he is honest in his despair, which allows me to feel freedom to be honest in my own despair.

Bildad speaks in Chapter 8 that Job should repent of his hopelessness. He encourages Job in verses 8:5-7, “If you will seek God and plead with the Almighty for mercy, if you are pure and upright, surely then he will rouse himself for you and restore your rightful habitation. And though your beginning is small, your latter days will be very great.” Verse 12 says, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting. Those who hate you will be clothed with shame, and the tent of the wicked will be no more.”

There is so much hope for Job in his most lowly hours! Is there not the same hope for us in our most lonely, most terrified, most beaten, most bruised, most ungodly, most helpless hours?

In the beginning of Job, Job thinks he is righteous on his own, that he is without sin. But God reveals to him that he is sinful and Job begins to have understanding. Job 13: 23, “How many are my iniquities and my sins? Make me know my transgression and my sin.” He believes in God’s redemption, in his power to remove our sin… “For then you would number my steps; you would not keep watch over my sin; my transgression would be sealed up in a bag, and you would cover over my iniquity.”

God can cover over our iniquity when we cry out to him, in raw emotion and despair. We can trust him to remove all our sin and to promise us better days ahead. We can talk to God in anger, in despair, in untrust, in disbelief- and hope that he can restore us and mark us with redemption and total forgiveness and blessing.

Job’s faith is contagious. I want to be real with God like Job. I want to learn to hope in God through my own struggles and despair.

Isn’t it great? We can come to God as we are. He is stronger than we are and powerful enough to break our addictions and patterns of crap in our lives.

I am so hopeful today.

This song is helping me walk through the gospel today…

“I Need You To Love Me”
Barlowgirl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

I can’t really think out loud, speak out loud, or process anything out loud. After a big fight in marriage after a constant few weeks without a big fight, I am quieted. I am slow to carry out any actions or sentences at all today.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.

I am thankful for the Friday Night Blues I had two days ago. They led me to a total revelation of my insecurities and false places I place my worth, which revealed so many deeper things going on inside of my heart. When Nick came home Friday night, I was messing around with cool vintage paper, my recipe book, a glue stick, magazine clippings, and cool pens. Crafts ease my mind and allow my creative juices to run wild, rather than allowing myself to run wild. Nick came home and sat next to me, held my hands, rubbed my back and calmly asked me how I was doing while apologizing for the night’s miscommunication. It was very much glorious grace.

This is a pattern I am getting use to in my life. Searching for joy in the wrong places + measuring my self worth based on my works + getting angry and unleashing sin+ processing conflict+ realizing I’m not satisfied+ REPENTANCE = Receiving glorious grace and Christ’s righteousness covering all of my insecurities and sin. However, it is very much a wrestling match between believing lies and believing truth. It takes all I am to believe fully that God’s grace completely removes me from condemnation and punishment. I am totally freed because of Christ’s perfect life given to me and his death, which bore the wrath for all of my sin. It is finished. There is nothing more I have to do to gain his worth and love. Nothing. I’m free. But I have to knock down the wall of lies to believe it.

As the pattern continues, I continue to learn more about myself and God- and I’m slowly seeing myself change! Nick is honestly the best catalyst to my growth and change as a person and as a Christian. Being in such close relationship with him has revealed so many things inside of me that was sneakily hidden before marriage. Because of the natural level of accountability spouses bring each other, I am forced to look myself in the heart and examine. The deeper I am exposed, the more grace I see! I am flippant and swayed by emotions and circumstances (if that’s not obvious!), but God remains steadfast and unchanging in his love. Whew! I am so blessed.

As the Friday Night Blues were coming to an end, I poured out my heart and insecurities, Nick listened- much like I would imagine Jesus listens to us when we pour our hearts out to him. After a good cry, he began helping me with the recording equipment he surprised me with a few weeks after getting married. As he fuddled with the computer, microphone and piano, we finally figured out how to record! I played and sang while he played around with the computer program. I love writing songs and singing. Nick loves computers. A match made in heaven? I think so.

After facing the truth- that I have been rescued by God’s grace and shown mercy amidst my sin and rebellion of God- I eventually shed this grace upon Nick, and he shed grace upon me as well within minutes of him walking in the door. Honestly, I can’t imagine what marriage would be like without this understanding- that we are both deeply sinful and the only way we can truly forgive each other is because we have first been forgiven. Right now, I am trusting in Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Even though I had the Friday Night Blues because of a combination of expectations not being met, a sinful heart and insecurities, I have been set free from it all in Christ. Because of this glorious grace, Nick and I have been able to (after processing through deeper issues and sin) forgive and forget.

I am on the lifelong journey to hope in God instead of in things, people, marriage, how I look, how others perceive me, etc.

Thanks for being on this slow and awesome journey with me.

Why is it that I can be having a great day and then within one second, my entire world falls apart? Here I am, in the aftermath of that second. In fact, whatever took place in that second is now ruining my entire night. Let me tell you how ridiculous I am.

So, all day, I have basically been a housewife. I’ve been doing laundry and cleaning and cooking. You know what I’m talking about. Fridays are my day off of work, so I basically take care of everything around the house on these days. There have been a few times when I’ve attempted to do all of these things and then some, in hopes to superly-duperly impress my incredibly organized, efficient, and structured husband. Previous to marriage, you would usually find me playing guitar, possibly wasting time, putting things off, and finding something creative and random to focus my attention on. So… I really like it when I can show that I do have it in me to be organized.

So, today, I went to his first racquetball game (and even video taped!), but I had to come home to finish our laundry since we live in an apartment and our laundry could get booted and we could get hated if we don’t get in and out of there fast, so I walked all the way back home and carried on with my housewifey duties.

Now, there have been previous Fridays in which Nick has come home from work and these tasks have been either in progress or not completed quite like I made it out to sound like, so he has been frustrated at times because he likes things organized and he likes it when people do what they say they are going to do. This is a great quality about Nick and makes him so great at what he does in his life, but it, at times, leaves me feeling really anxious about getting things done so that he feels our home is an organized and comfortable place to live. And, being newly married, I tend to put way too much emphasis and over-exaggeration into these mundane tasks. Rather than just being ok with the fact that I don’t do this perfectly at times, I run in the other direction saying, “Just watch! I will make this the best most organized place on this earth! Hmph!” or something bratty and ridiculous like that.

So this afternoon, while he was crushing his opponents in racquetball, I was putting all the laundry away, cleaning up all of the messes, organizing closets, and I prepared his dinner on the table so that he could have it when he got home (I assure you- I don’t do this every day! Usually, we just wing dinner and eat it together. I’m not typically the type to have our house all perfect-y when he arrives home). But this time, I was going to make it a treat for him, and I was sooooooooo excited!

Then, I get a call he’s moving on to finals in the tournament and that he got in touch with a student he is going to hang out with, so he tells me that he wont be coming home but he’s just going to go straight to the student event (which we were planning on going to together). On any given day, I could react like this: “Ok babe! Sounds great, see you there in about an hour!” But not today.

I reacted how I felt: crushed. I was putting so much hope into greeting him at the door and showering him with wifely affection and love and so looking forward to him getting home and feeling stress free. In my feeling crushed-ness, I began to make Nick my opponent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a student? I thought you were going to come home first! I had dinner all ready for you and I finally did everything I said I would!” I allowed myself to over-react to him just before his final rounds. Probably not the most loving thing for me to do, right? Well, I did it anyway. If he was going to let me down, then I was going to get even and angry.

Then, I started a really immature text message battle- you know, like I was back in the seventh grade again. And honestly, I have never began a snotty text message war with Nick- ever! But tonight I wanted to act 13. I texted with a lot of force the words, “I am staying home and I hope you have fun.” Then, I sent another just to make him mad, “I am really pissed.” And I kept going. “I had everything all ready for you and you’re just blowing me off!” My text messaging did nothing helpful, and currently I am planted on our white chair in our lonely apartment with candles still lit from being excited for hubby to come home, sulking and feeling really upset. But there is something in me that feels really selfish right now and not gracious towards my husband at all.

So, in one second a great day has turned into a crappy day. And, I know I’m guilty. I know that I am just self-pitying and deciding that this night is ruined. But, I am also realizing how insecure I am. I am not trusting in Christ for my identity, but I am putting my hope in two things: How college ministry is going and how much I can please my husband. Its like I think that these are the only two things that make up my self worth sometimes.

The truth of beginning college ministry is that it takes time for relationships to develop with students. If I don’t show up to an event with a new student, then my identity will feel less valuable because this is my job- to bring new students. Granted there are plenty of students going that I already know, but there is something special about bringing a new student. Bringing someone new into such a great world of friends and love is probably one of the greatest highs one could experience- watching someone who may not have found friends yet or may not believe in God experience God’s people and awesome friendships for the first time is what college ministry is all about! And I just feel crappy sometimes if I can’t bring someone new. I seek to live missionally- I don’t want the gospel just to change my life- but I want it to bring girls the same joy and freedoms I have experienced because of it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my hope in Christ and trust in Him, no matter my failures or successes- and even more- Nick’s failures and successes? If my ultimate hope was in a perfect God instead of imperfect people, I could react to my expectations not being met in such a flexible and forgiving way.

But here I am, stuck in the mud. I don’t have a student to bring tonight and I’m upset with Nick, so I don’t want to go to the annual “root-beer pong” tournament we have planned. I know, it sounds nerdy and its not the typical beer pong most people play, but it is a great time anyway. However, I suck at it since I lost nearly all rounds of real beer pong in college, so why go anyway? Except I really do like root-beer. But I’m mad. My expectation didn’t get met, and I’m moping around because of it.

I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process. Marriage has been going so great lately, and then I have to declare it Friday Fight Night when I could have rolled with the punches , moved on, and greeted Nick at the student event all smiles.

But I’m selfish and putting my worth in all the wrong places.

My moral dilemma: If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband? AND- he didn’t even do anything intentionally wrong, so shouldn’t I forgive and forget?

Help.

“I, Too, am a Refugee” Personal Narrative
By Katie Vanderheyden October 17, 2007

Rain slammed down hard on Loring Park
It slammed the stories
Of the boy who’s face was blown off by a bomb
Of the girl who carried her brother
On her back
Everyday
To get medicine

Into my mind

The mud splashing the misery onto my feet
As the puddles of distant pain grew deeper
They flooded the guilt of the American Individual
The guilt of having freedom
Of having enough

There were 10,000 people in Uganda
Huddled in a field, he said
He got a call and went
They escaped
A rescue worker died trying to help
She gave her life

Puddles deepening

I’m sure I could die of self obsession
Here in America
In Darfur, in Chad, in Colombia
They want to be safe
To eat food

Suffering, we all are
Some more affluently than others

We have a lot of stuff
What about empty jars without water?
They have so many over there
Got to pump it from wells
If they have a well to pump from

I never see where my water comes from
Know I get thirsty
Know what it feels like to appear full
But to be empty

If their jars were full
Would they want more?
Don’t we need more than food and water?
Looks that way, here in America
When I watch TV
When I go to college

I do
Want more
I can’t sleep sometimes
Because its not enough
The food
The water
My affluent quality of life

It’s not enough for me

Fallen, Broken
We are
In Darfur, in Chad, In Colombia
Everywhere
Here, in America

Fighting, Despairing
We are

Unconsciously attracted to life
Hoping forever is real
Rest for our souls
Wanting to know the secret
Groaning for places that sparkle
From conversation to conversation
Heaven, Utopia, Nirvana…
Begging to be given everything we need
Or acting like we need nothing

Jesus Christ says his yoke is light
Come to him; says he will give us rest
Wasn’t sure if he was just my “homeboy” a “good man”
Or a liar
Stopped believing in the cultural Jesus
Wanted to know him
For real

Truth

Use to think he wanted just the good ones
Now I know Him
Know he likes to take the ones broken, crying
Messy and honest
Like me

Says he will see us in paradise
Not because we’re good enough
But because of his mercy

I am a refugee
From sin
From guilt
From hiding
From the weight of others’ eyes
Got so heavy, I laid my burden down

Still fighting, but not despairing
Persecuted, but not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
His joy is going to be my strength

His joy, His strength

A free gift he says
But I want to act like I have
A wealth of knowledge and peace
Like I understand
But I don’t
Just know it felt real dark
And I got scared that the dark would take me
I needed a refuge
A rescue worker
Who would die for me

A free gift to
Everyone who is fleeing
Everyone who wants to escape
For all of the refugees

Who have nothing left but belief

I don’t feel free because of America
Or because I can eat, go to college, and be clean
Actually, I feel heavy chains here
Maybe there are chains are everywhere…

Maybe its because we’re all sinners—
We know not what we do

Offending a perfect God
Could we admit it?
Would we?
If we knew—
We could be completely accepted
Approved of
Lavished in grace

“Forgive them, Father—
They know not what they do,”
He prayed

But dancing with him
The one who made himself poor
Who loved prostitutes, outcasts, beggars
Like me

Laying my sin upon him
Like he’s my best friend’s ear
Being made new, scars erased
That’s where I feel the most free

For what he’s done now
What joy, what peace!
I am not who I use to be…

Never thought, never dreamed…

He’s come to free me
All I am is worth it to believe
Worth letting go of the past
Worth admitting I am weak
Worth it to start over
To see him live in me
Worth it to feel this true

This free

In my puddle, I can see that
I, too, am a refugee

Early October
New life in full swing
Books weigh
Leaves crunch
Cider warms the mug in my hands

Powerful how he enters
Dressed in white
He spills over a grey horizon
Over a lonely city

Shaken by his glory
Heads turn
Tasks unfinished
A sign to some that warmth is leaving
To others, warmth is coming

“Each year the beauty lasts less and less,”
Sighs a voice as we stare
Because in our eyes, it has fallen to soon
But, to him, this is perfect timing

So soon the swirls of white rest invisible
On streets and buildings,
But he has not gone away

I am glad he came like this
He stopped us all
And we looked out
We forgot about our coffee
We forgot about our problems
He distracted us
We saw his beauty
But we didn’t know it was him

A promise keeps
Unbroken in his hands
He will come back

And it will be like the first snow