Quieted.

I can’t really think out loud, speak out loud, or process anything out loud. After a big fight in marriage after a constant few weeks without a big fight, I am quieted. I am slow to carry out any actions or sentences at all today.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.