I Am Nowhere But Here
Hazy yellow floats onto my hands, my desk, my coffee. A ray of sunshine collides with the steam swirling from my coffee cup. The traffic is light outside my window, creating a sense of calm I don’t normally feel in the mornings. The distance between each car rolling by unveils the secret that there really are birds that sing in the city. I love this morning. Everything in me is level. Peace-filled, even, controlled, calm. I am nowhere but here.
I am stirred. I am listening. Most mornings I am not listening because I am doing. Doing and worrying. Most mornings I am busy and unleveled. Fast and unpeaceful, talking and not listening, deciding and not waiting. But today is different. Waking up before I have to be anywhere, early enough to brew coffee and read the bible and journal. There is so much to be gained from this small moment in which I am listening and waiting. I am fully awakened to something.
In each sip, I taste my affections for the only one I was made to feel affections for. In each still pocket of stopped traffic, they grow. This desire of my heart would be clouded if I were sleeping in. It would be forgotten if I pressed my snooze button. I am eternally grateful for this moment to feel faint before my creator. To feel swept away into His presence. Because normally, I am swept away FROM His presence because of my anxious and jump-started mornings, but not today. Today, He has given me ears to hear His peace. I am clothed in the presence of God.
Today, this is the only feeling I want to feel. Total peace amidst circumstances. I want this perspective to glue to my mind. This total trust in God, total joy in God, and total surrender to God. Total belief that Jesus is the perfect man who lived and died in my place and gave me this freedom from shame and sin, this cup that no longer measures my iniquities, but overflows with grace.
I want to hear God speaking to me today. I want to listen to anything new He might show me.
This morning, God showed me Psalm 103 (written by David who is in love with God’s mercy, which He has longed to receive because of all of his sin. His soul rejoices on the Lord because the Lord has removed his iniquities)
This is my song of hope and joy for the day…
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like f the eagle’s.
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us m according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
Ok. Time to shower. And begin this day with a listening heart surrendered to God.
I think I like not pressing my snooze button. 
Robbed of Joy
I’m going to re-evaluate some patterns in my life because some of them completely rob me of joy. I hate when I lose all perspective and wallow in the reality of lost joy- when I know that all the while I watched my joy get robbed- there was a way out. There is always a way out. Yet, sadly, for me, that’s the path least taken.
The voice of the joy stealer sounds so inviting, so illusive, so captivating. I hear it in my snooze button, I feel it in the fatigue right when my work day is over, when I get on the internet and begin surfing the web for completely unimportant reasons, when I cancel plans with someone because I’m tired, when I walk around defining myself by how skinny or fat I feel, when I ignore piles of laundry and my unclean apartment, when I scarf down dessert like I just won a vacation to Hawaii, when I begin to justify myself for my wrongdoings with my “right” doings, when I don’t make to-do lists, plan ahead or set goals, when I feel jealous of someone else’s cute hair or cute outfit, when I compare myself to others rather than LOVE others, when I feel better or worse than someone else, when I go to Target and unconsciously wander into the clothing section and discover that I suddenly need a whole new wardrobe, when I go to church and criticize the worship music selected, when I leave social gatherings and let my emotions run wild with despair and self-evaluation, when I just plain ignore the truth and dive into a big fat sparkling pool of LIES.
This is the joy stealer. He comes in the form of chocolate cake, snooze buttons, waking up late and not showering, comparison, self-righteousness, laziness, apathy, being ruled by the gloom of February. Ugh. So much joy is robbed from my life because I get enticed by these things that seem temporarily good and fulfilling. Yesterday, the snooze button left me caving in to the belief that it would lead me to having a great day, but when that small little nearly unconscious action lead to a day of mayhem, fatigue, and no shower, I lived in a cloudy fog, took a nap, canceled working out, made dinner, skipped the student event, read, and went to bed. All of my original plans failed because of one small action in the wee morning hours. When all was said and done, I went to turn my light off at night and felt… robbed. What a mediocre day.
I felt… zero joy. Oh the snooze button sounded like my best friend at 6am… until it was 7:30 and I had 15 minutes to throw my hair back grab a bagel and stuff something in my bag for lunch while frantically yelling to Nick, “Where’s my phone? Where’s my keys? Where’s my brain? Do you want an apple? I said, DO YOU WANT AN APPLE? WE HAVE TO GO!!” Then, the ride to work consists of me feeling train-wrecked, angry, exhausted, unprepared, and mad at myself for becoming a barking wife at my husband. ALL BECAUSE OF THE SNOOZE BUTTON!
This doesn’t happen every day. But its happened enough, where I feel myself turning all barky and beasty, that I have GOT to put an end to it. The snooze button has controlled me for too long. That one small little joy stealer breeds so much other joy robbing throughout my day. The sad thing is that the moment I wake up, God is offering me more joy than I can imagine, yet I trade in the diamonds for nasty, smelly, ugly I don’t know… old tennis shoes. That’s what its like to describe being robbed of joy. I cannot give in anymore!
I’m not going to talk about being robbed of joy as if something outside of my control came to rob me in the middle of the night. Actually, the joy that is robbed is a result of something within me, Jesus says. (Mark 7: 20-23) And He said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these things come from within, and they defile a person.”
It is my heart that defiles me and robs me of joy. Because I choose to follow its sinful desires rather than to take God up on His life-giving opportunities, I rob myself. I often have a vision of my day- a perfect picture of doing all these things to glorify God, like cleaning up, showering, exercising, getting together with friends, writing, singing and recording songs, and then the end of the day rolls around, and one word comes to mind: wasted. I wasted so many opportunities. Yet, my heart’s desire was to have this great productive day, but I traded in an hour more of sleep for A TERRIBLE DAY. Was the sleep worth it? Um, no.
God is so good that he uses the greatest missionary to ever have lived- the Apostle Paul- to help us identify with. Though He carried out God’s commandment to the fullest, He was human and confesses in Romans 7, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from the body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
If I could add some specifics into that verse, I would say, “For I do not wake up on time, but I press my snooze button and wake up late. I have the desire to stop pressing my snooze button, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not wake up when I know it will be good for me, but the evil of pressing my snooze button is what I keep on doing!”
I know this sounds ridiculous, but sleeping is currently my biggest problem and my biggest idol. It is causing all the problems in my life.
How sweet is God to speak His truth to us through ordinary, uneducated and sinful people throughout the bible. He is so merciful to us. I love that God uses these ordinary characters instead of just telling a story of a bunch of perfect people. Because let’s be honest. We’re not. And if we had to read a story that read, “And then the Lord spoke: “All hail, my perfect earthly villans! Thou shalt only receive my love if thou livest a perfect life!” We’d probably rather chuck it out the window or flush it down the toilet.
Praise God that is love is not reduced to a cause-effect relationship only based on our mediocre performances, but rather it is infinitely based on His mercy! We get to read a story about people who ARE sinful. Being sinful and struggling with self-control is the natural way in which each person thinks and lives. And yet we get to read about the compassion and mercy that God has for us through Jesus Christ. He is willing to pay the debt for all our failure through Christ. I’ve been into saying this a lot lately, so I’ll say it again. Can I getta Amen?! God is so wonderful to us.
So, back to robbing. When I rob myself of joy, my affections for God decline. I don’t want to talk to Him. I don’t want to love Him. In turn, I don’t want to talk to others and I don’t want to love them. It’s a total domino effect. When I rob myself of joy, I also rob those around me of joy.
I want my affections for God to increase. There are a lot of things in my life that stir up my heart to love God more, even simple things like the smell of coffee, listening to Minnesota Public Radio, writing, being outdoors, etc. But there are a few things that I know would most likely stir up my heart to love God more, but I just don’t do them.
So now is the time to start. I am going to try to change a few of the sneaky joy-robbers in my life to see if I might truly become a happier, more effective, and joy-radiant person. I don’t want to feel that I am wasting my life or my time, though I know that God’s grace is enough to pardon all of my joy-robbed days.
I am going to set a few attainable goals to help me as I begin my teaching career next week.
1) Begin winding down for bed at 9pm.
2) Wake up at 5:30am (because I have to leave by 7am)
3) Meet with God in the morning before work.
4) No pressing my snooze button
5) Workout every night after work.
Ok, thats it. Those are the lifesetyle changes that I feel will be necessary if I want to be an effective and awake person throughout my days in the kindergarten classroom.
I know that its easier to type my goals than to attain my goals, so this is in no way going to be easy.
But something has to change in my life, or I’ll feel robbed everyday, and that would just not be pleasant for me, Nick, or anyone around me.
I’ll post about how realistic these goals are once I actually try them.
Buh-Bye snooze button!
My First Real Job
…begins in approximately one week. I chose to begin marriage nannying because it was counseled to me by our pastor to take a season to slow down, learn how to be married (and I’m still learning!), and re-evaluate everything. With all of the stress and anxiety pre-wedding, I couldn’t get through marriage counseling without adding to the Mississippi River, so the advice was timely. There was a definite need for some time to breathe. After grad school and planning a wedding, its safe to say I was pretty burnt out. I have spent the last 7 months part-time nannying, writing and recording music, dreaming, praying, spending time with college women, substitute teaching, and writing and studying Matthew, Acts, and Romans… seriously- God just totally blessed me with an amazing season of rest and personal growth as an individual and in marriage. Coming off of last year, it seriously has felt like emotional rehab. I think I have fully recovered. Can I getta Amen?
It is all going to change in one week, but I am ready. I am anticipating it, excited for how God will use me and teach me. I will be working as a teaching assistant and a morning program supervisor at Hope Academy, while continuing to hang out with college women in the evenings and weekends.
The reason I have decided to pursue a teaching job is because I have been on the teeter-totter of working as a teacher or working in college ministry for the past few years. I have subbed at Hope a few times per week this past school year, and this job became available, so I applied for it to see if God would open or close the door. He opened it, and Nick and I think it would be wise for me to try teaching out. I know that I love college ministry and would do it full time in a heart beat, but there has always been this draw- this pull towards children and families in the city of Minneapolis. Since my first time working with them at Hope five years ago, something about working in the city with all of the children stirred my affections for Jesus.
Here I am, this blonde girl from the suburbs sliding in the dirt, falling off of playgrounds playing with children, talking to them about their lives, praying with them- and my affections for God just shot through the roof! I have climbed the ladder from volunteer to substitute teacher to teaching assistant. I guess we’ll see what’s next! It was funny because the Hope administration staff said that if they could describe me in one word in my interview it would be: persistent. I guess they are right.
As long as this door is open, I am going to go for it. I am going to be working with a wonderful woman in a kindergarten classroom, so I am bracing myself for lots of colored paper, singing songs, and sheparding the hearts of these young children. I am grateful to have so many teacher friends to learn from.
My experience subbing for middle school has been really challenging, but so rewarding. My favorite part is when a student is being rude or disrespectful (sounds weird, I know). This provides an amazing opportunity to get a little deeper with my young friends. I often sternly tell him/her to come into the hall with me. They walk with me, usually looking really afraid of losing a privilege or getting detention… but then I change my tone quickly. I calmly tell them how much I love having them in my class and how much I want them to be there. I tell them that I don’t appreciate being disrespected and ask them to change their demeanor. I am also able to ask, “How’s your day going? Do you want to talk about anything?” I have had some great one-on-ones with some young women because of our little hall chats. After one second chance (and they all know this)- it’s a detention. Boo. I hate giving detentions.
Today, I did something a little different in my fun fitness class. During the free activity time, I asked all of the girls to come sit and talk with me. Here’s a visual of the racial diversity: Two latino girls to my left and four African American girls on my right. And then me. White, blonde, born-and-raised-in-the-suburbs-me. I moved past barriers as we formed a small, intimate circle. The reason I did this is because I desire to know them. I can’t effectively teach them- or reach them- if I don’t know them. And I will not let racial barriers or cultural backgrounds get in the way. God created all of us and put us on this earth, and though we have miles to go to understanding each others’ cultural influences, we must try.
I took this time to ask them how their days were, how old they were, what grades they were in. Here is what I learned: Their favorite musical artists, their desire to get their learners’ permits, how their days were going, the ups and downs, the difficulties they are having in school, what they want to study in college, some phrases they say, etc. We laughed as I tried to say some of the phrases they say and as I told them about my experience of driving my parents’ car into the wall in my garage when I first got my permit. It was definitely girl talk. Which I thought was ok considering I was substitute teaching for the after school extracurricular program.
It was a stepping stone to understanding who they are and what influences them. This is key to understanding how to teach them.
So my first real job… is in kindergarten and not middle school, but either way, I am eager to learn and watch other teachers show me how to teach in the inner city of Minneapolis. I confess I feel inadequate, but I believe that God is going to develop me through this process. He’s going to show me what it takes to love and help these children and young adults. The funny thing is that I often feel like a child myself.
Just because there’s a ring on my finger and I’m working out of college doesn’t mean I’m all grown up. I am certain that God is giving me this job to reveal to me all the areas that I need to grow in. I know it wont be easy, but God never promised me easy.
He promised to be with me.
Why a Recession?
“What’s going to happen when we go to Rainbow and there is no food to buy? We will help each other and be there for each other. No Christian should live in the land of plenty while their brothers and sisters somewhere else do not have what they need. God is going to test His people- are they truly a church? Or just a club?” (paraphrase of John Piper: What is a Recession For? Some of God’s Purposes)
The sermon I heard today was so full of truth, hope, and reasons to why we might be enduring a recession in our economy today- so good that I have to post the highlights. I hope it gives those who are feeling fear, anxiety, or restlessness about a lost job, a layoff, or struggles and hardships that are coming out of the recession hope and a softened heart to God’s goodness when it might seem hard to believe He is good.
The most comforting point was that God foresees everything and nothing comes to pass unless He commands it to. God doesn’t let anything happen without a solid purpose. At very least, we can trust that He will not waste a recession or waste the trials some of us are facing. Piper encourages us NOT to waste this recession by seeing some of God’s purposes.
John Piper’s Five reasons that God might allow a recession are as follows:
#1) He intends to expose hidden sin and bring us to repentance.
○ Recessions are good at exposing the sin of waste, selfishness, and fear. It is GRACE that God would expose our true state of heart, that it might lead us to repentance and to receive His mercy and forgiveness.
#2) He intends to awaken the western world to an economic state that 2/3 of the world lives in every day.
○ John Piper read an excerpt from the website http://www.global-prayer-digest.org/ about one family’s situation in Ethiopia.
“It’s 3:00 am, and the Afar father is still awake. The desert night is cold. He snuggles up to his wife and newborn baby to keep them warm. Their stomachs rumble with hunger. Should he slaughter his scrawny goat to feed his wife, hoping she will produce enough milk for their baby? Or should he beseech the clan elders to move again, in search of weeds for the goat, or maybe even some fresh water? They are fortunate; both his wife and their baby survived the birth.
The Afar people have the highest maternal fatality rate in the world. Women give birth without benefit of sterile conditions, or even clean water. Of the babies born alive one-third die before age five. Afar people roam throughout one of the most desolate places on earth: the Ethiopian desert. Drought and malnutrition make them vulnerable to diseases such as tuberculosis, malaria, conjunctivitis, and other water-borne illnesses. Of 13 million Afar people, three million are infected with HIV/AIDS. They have never been taught basic hygiene or sterilization techniques. Sources of clean water are few and far between.
Nomadic and clannish, the Afar people are suspicious of any outsiders. Ninety-five percent of the Afars are professing Muslims.
* Pray for non-threatening missionaries to reach the Afar, so they might receive His truth. Pray for Afar elders to experience Jesus in dreams and visions. Pray that Christian radio broadcasts in the Afar language will show them the way to Jesus, and also include teachings on how to address their many health problems.-JWS”
#3) He intends to relocate the roots of our joy and His grace, His goods, not our money, and His worth, not our wealth.
○ We so often forget that our joy doesn’t ultimately come from money or wealth, but from His grace, His worth, and the things that He has given us. During a recession, we will have to fight to remember that our joy is not found because of an easy life with easily available health care and food supply, but found in God’s love and mercy poured out on us.
#4) He intends to awaken us to waste, mistreatment, and over consumption.
○ A recession brings to light the mistreatment of resources and people through exposing greed, selfishness, and overconsumption of some, which leaves others at the receiving end of selfish hoarding. It brings to light unethical business dealings and the need for Christians to offer relief to those who have been mistreated and who lack resources to get help. Many have a chance to repent of wrong spending and the wrong motives of their heart and receive the grace of Christ.
#5) He intends for His mission in the world to advance- the spread of the gospel and growth of the church when the resources of the church are the least they have been in a long time.
○ A recession is a time to think about giving your life away to relieve the suffering, especially the eternally suffering.
○ It is biblical to give generously (not just financially) during suffering, not out of duty, but out of overflowing joy! 2 Corinthians 8: 1-4 shares the story of the church in Macedonia, facing harsh poverty, who gave generously for the relief of their brothers and sisters in Christ. “We want you to know, brothers, about the grace of God that has been given among the churches of Macedonia, for in a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part. For they gave according to their means, of their own accord, begging us earnestly for the favor of taking part in the relief of the saints- and this, not as we expected, but that gave themselves first to the Lord and then by the will of God to us.”
God is so good that He included so many stories of despair, struggle, and near death experiences of people in the bible for us to read about, identify with, and gain a right perspective from. The apostle Paul was quite possibly the most persecuted and afflicted Christian to ever have lived, and He wrote to His churches that He was ministering to from often near- death circumstances. He wrote with His brother Timothy to the church of Corinth out of extreme affliction, and He helps us see something good about it: “… For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” (2 Cor. 1:8-9)
I have found myself praying at times in my life that God would show me more of Him, that I would rely on Him, that He would show me that He is all I really have, but I think about the potential of losing my comfort, losing my job, losing security, losing cleanliness, losing health care, losing food, losing all of these things that so readily sustain me in America- and it is easy to despair and think things like: What if I can’t pay off that loan? What if I have to move? What if I can’t provide for my family? What if I am forced to ask for help? What if, in the Apostle Paul’s words, I am “so utterly burdened beyond my strength that I despair of life itself?”
Now, I’m not experiencing any anxiety or fear of the future right now because I am not currently facing hardship or a loss of my job due to the economic crisis, but I will say that I am clinging to the security of a job or a home, or clean water and food- very loosely right now. Because its not guaranteed at the end of the day. I want to be like the church in Macedonia, who, even amidst affliction and severe poverty, experienced abundant joy because of the grace of Christ.
The fact that God has had mercy on me and promised me eternal life through Christ is the only hope that lasts. If or when I face mere survival in my physical body on this earth, how much more will I hope for a life that is better than this?
Perhaps God is bringing us through a recession to show us the reality that this life isn’t it. This world is a fallen world. It is not as beautiful, glorious, or steadfast as Heaven and the glory that we can one day share with God forever.
If we have to go through trials of broken marriages, lost jobs, and unguaranteed health and security to urge us to hope more in heaven, then we should brace ourselves. Brace ourselves for the trials to come, yet dance with overflowing joy that the trials are not the end- a life in God’s Kingdom with Christ who gave Himself as a ransom for many- is the timeless hope we can have.
How humbling to feel inadequate and have nowhere to run but into the arms of God, surrendered and broken. Yet, how difficult will it be to find hope in Him rather than in the temporary blessings of this life? This is perhaps my biggest daily struggle, but I wonder how an economic crisis will reveal even more how much I put my hope in false circumstances rather than God. If this is a means for Him to help us rely on Him more deeply and to feel His presence more sweetly, then what a good God He is. He will never leave us or forsake us. Not even death can separate Him from us because it is He who raises the dead, and this can be our ultimate hope when we “despair of life itself.”
I get excited about the social justice that might come forth through the broken economic infrastructure. I don’t want to sound all Miss-America-like and wish for world peace, but I pray for a savior to reach the world and restore the sin that has messed it up, and that even if the world is not in a peaceful estate, that many would feel the peace of their soul resting in the forgiveness and grace of God- and that this would be sweeter than any earthly thing.
