Nick and I raise financial and prayer support to work full time in college ministry. One of our supporters, Terry, has been an amazing blessing in our lives. And guess what?! We’ve never even met him! He has a daughter who was apart of a bible study Nick was involved in in California a few years ago… His daughter told him about our ministry to college students, and he felt led by the Lord to become one of our first financial and prayer supporters! We were unbelievably humbled to hear of such a cheerful giver’s deep desire for the gospel to heal and bless the hearts of college students. He has been laboring on our team with us for the past two years. And its true, we’ve never even met him!
Terry was diagnosed with kidney failure and has had to be on dialysis for some time. He recently emailed us an update of his circumstances. When we heard his story, we were blown away at his grateful heart. I thought it was only appropriate to count him as a “guest blogger” on my blog during my series of “Choosing Gratitude.” Be prepared to read about a man truly grateful for things like physical pain, suffering, uncertainty, friends, a God to trust in, and hope. Thanks for sharing, Terry!
Dear Family and Friends,
It was almost two years ago (April 2008) that I wrote you inviting you to Praise God for the gift of uncertainty as I embarked upon the journey of kidney failure, dialysis, and who knows what. I write today to give testimony to the God of all grace, my heavenly Father, whose grace is sufficient, whose wisdom and goodness cause all things to work together for good, who invites us to cast all our anxieties on him because he cares for us, who provides mercy and grace to help in time of need (Heb. 4:16). These promises from our Heavenly Father have sustained me these last two years, and he has proven to be faithful to his word and all his promises. Lamentations 3:21-24 has been particularly encouraging and a source of continued hope. It reads:
“This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning. GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS! The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.”
Nothing could be truer.
While I never thought that God needed to prove his goodness by providing a transplant (“He is good and does good” in all things, Ps. 119:68), nevertheless he in grace has once again acted for my good by providing a donor and and a transplant date at Stanford March 31st, Lord willing. There are no words to say thank you to the many of you who sacrificially offered to be tested as potential donors. It was such a display of the love of Christ, and when Stanford and my dialysis caregivers indicated how unusual it was to have so many people willing to donate (approx. two dozen of you), I simply told them that my family and friends were all Christ-followers and that’s what Christ-followers do — love sacrificially. Christie and I would also like to express our gratitude for every expression of support you all have provided and for the prayers you have all assured me you have made on our behalf. I’m certain that God has answered those prayers with daily grace and mercy through the last two years as well as in providing a kidney through the sacrificial gift of a Christ-follower and good friend, George. They say to let George do it; well George did it … sacrificially.
I concluded the previous letter with the following paragraph, and I conclude this one re-affirming that every word has been proven true over these last two years:
“… as I embark upon this journey of uncertainty, not to grumble and complain about my lot in life, or to curse my bad luck at having this disease, or to ask for your sympathy, but to give testimony to the God who is my heavenly Father and who can be trusted with everything. I want to take my stand in praise of this God while things are their most uncertain so that no one can say that my faith in God is a fair-weathered faith, happy with God when he gives good gifts, but not when the road is rockier. I am confident that whatever happens is for my good and for his glory and I wanted to share this with you all so that you too may praise him with mefor his mercy and grace and wisdom and goodness and sovereignty at all times, and not live in the illusion of certainty, but thank him with me for the gift of uncertainty.
Amen and Amen.
–
Soli Deo Gloria,
TC
We praise the Lord for Terry’s partnership and for God’s faithfulness to Terry. Thank you, Jesus, for giving Terry a kidney transplant and for helping Him trust you through the pain and the unknown future.
This morning, the first words that came out of my mouth were, “This alarm clock sucks.” Wouldn’t you love to wake up next to me? I looked at the time to see that it was 7:11am. I swear I set it for 7am! I recalled. I then looked to see I had set it for 7:00pm. Nick was humored because, yes, this is the second day in a row of mixing up my AM with PM. Then, I heard our coffee bean grinder go off. Another reason to grumble, even though I really love coffee. Then, Nick asked if I could make him a sandwich while he was in the shower. More grumbling. After pouring my coffee, the white cozy chair looked so inviting. I was getting all set to re-align my compass with the Word of God. Then Nick said, “can we get to church early?” (I go with him on Tuesdays to take a guitar lesson). Out came more grumbling.
ALAS. I open up to my gratitude devotion in the basement of our church. Psalm 56. Of course, David is overflowing with thankfulness in like- REALLY TOUGH- circumstances. That seems to be a common theme of David and the apostle Paul. ME, however? Grumbling and complaining in REALLY EASY circumstances. I turned to ask Nick, “How come David’s Psalms are always like, ‘My enemies are about to kill me, I’m being tormented, I’m wasting away, I have the hardest life EVER- but always ending in THANKS, PRAISE, GOD IS GOOD, I LOVE THE WORD OF GOD, GOD IS MY DELIVERER, I WILL RENDER THANK TO GOD, etc?’” He’s so aware of God’s massive goodness in the midst of harder trials than I’ve ever faced.
Then I read this paragraph: “Perhaps it’s hard for you to find much to be thankful for today. Perhaps all you can see is what’s wrong, what hurts, and what others are doing to you. But look above your circumstances, beyond your fears, and ask God to show you what He’s doing in the midst of them.”
I turned to Nick and laughed and said, “Let me read this to you. Fitting of me, today, isn’t it?” He laughed and made an impression of me saying “This alarm sucks!” We both had a good laugh. The Word of God has a way of thawing out a cold, stubborn heart. Am I ever grateful for the word of God- that it DOES redirect my compass for the day. I am mighty desperate for that!
So this is what ingratitude is: Being thankful for nothing. In the chapter, “No Thanks,” in Choosing Gratitude, I spent a few hours journaling (ok…WEEPING) through a lot of things that needed to come to the surface. So why am I often so ungrateful? In this chapter, I learned 5 instigators of ingratitude. It was startling to admit how much these traps have a hold on me.
5 instigators of ingratitude:
Unrealistic Expectations
Forgetfulness
Entitelment
Comparison
Blindness to God’s grace.
For me, unrealistic expectations, entitlement and comparison are the three widest doorways for Satan to come and have a foothold in my life. Its going to take some real awareness of what these things actually do to me and to see the ugly affects of them before I can learn to be grateful. I have to start from some real shadows in my heart. But knowing that God is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love gives me courage to go to these dark places.
Unrealistic Expectations. I think marriage and relationships with others is the place that reveals that I often carry unrealistic expectations. I am so prone to place others in the place of God in my life. I forget that God alone is the one who saves me, so I look to others to save me. I often expect others to understand me, to know me fully, to be lavishly gracious to me, to say just the right thing to me, to give me what I want, to make me feel how I want to feel. Last year, I read the book “When People are Big and God is Small.” It really helped me lower my expectations for all relationships in my life apart from my relationship with Christ. Why do we expect so much from people who are sinful? I can honestly say that after the Lord teaching me a lot more about who HE IS for ME, I actually enjoy my relationships in life a lot more when I lower my expectations and understand that people are just PEOPLE! They are not GOD! I do not need to love them to BE loved. I can love them because I have BEEN loved. I enjoy relationships for the great blessing they are, rather then expecting them to fill the deep void in me only Jesus was meant to fill.
Entitlement. No one is to blame but me for this false right I give to myself daily. DeMoss says it well, “The more affluent we are, the higher our standard of living, it seems, the more demanding and discontent we become.” I know I live in a small apartment and live on a really simple and low budget with my husband, but there are some things that I need to deal with anyway: I have a college degree and own a car. Did you know that only 1% of the world has these two luxuries? Did you know that only 1/3 of America has the internet in their homes? Yep, that pretty much puts me in my place. I’m spoiled. Really spoiled. Even though I shop with coupons and buy clothes from the good will and other thrifty stores (I really can’t remember the last time I went to a real store to buy clothes), I have plenty of entitled attitudes that carry into my daily life. Our American culture is festering with this sense of “deservedness.” I confess… so am I.
Comparison. This hit me real hard, friends. She’s prettier than me. She’s funnier than me. She’s a better ______ than me. She has a better career than me. She has more accomplishments than me. Sound familiar? Confession: Don’t we all compare our level of labor and commitments we are investing in with others? I do. I am often consumed with myself- and it keeps me from being grateful for what others contribute. I was listening to Tim Keller’s sermon, “Blessed Self Forgetfulness,” and he spoke about an Olympic athlete. He said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we could see a figure skater land that triple- lux and be able to marvel and rejoice just as much as if WE had landed it? Wouldn’t it be great if we could just marvel at the fact that it got landed at all?” I felt pierced right in the heart. Because I knew, I would be consumed with ME in that situation. Comparing my ability to land the cool spin and totally bummed that I couldn’t land it as smoothly as the other athlete. I would be ruled by comparison. I AM ruled by comparison a lot.
The following reality brought me to tears as I read on in my book, “We lose our appreciation for our spouse, children, friends, and coworkers when we constantly view them in our own shadow.” I cried as I could think of specific people in my life that I view through the lens of my own accomplishments. They are either less or more than me. I cried hard. These people, often the closest to me, are the ones that I am constantly one-upping or one-downing… do you get my drift? Like I said, I cried hard. Because I don’t truly love these people… in fact, I don’t love them at all… I just live life competing with them.
Oh how I did repent. I told the Lord how bitter I become when I start to think that someone has something more or better than me. I told him how sorry I was for the crippling motivations in my heart. I pleaded with the Lord to teach me to love. To teach me to be self-forgetful. I want to be genuinely happy when God is glorified through the achievements of people. Does it always have to be through me? Can’t I be joyful seeing someone else write a great song rather than thinking, “Why can’t I write song as great as that?” I believe God can transform me… I think that’s what he’s doing by helping me see what he’s actually transforming… But in light of His abundant grace, I have so much hope!
So. Ingratitude. It steals all. Healthy relationships, humility, contentment, enjoyment, and the sweet walk with Christ that provides our only access to abundant life. (DeMoss).
Sometimes crying hard is good. Crying because we have been so hateful and prideful in our hearts towards others is… crying because we have been so obsessed with ourselves and our own performances… that we’ve actually hated others (even though we can be really good at outwardly faking love) … followed by desperate repentance to Jesus… is strangely liberating. I have even carried in my heart this new sense of appreciation and thankfulness for the gifts and blessings of others. What a freedom… to be grateful is liberating me from bitter thoughts, jealous comparison, envy… I am thankful I have a big gracious, slow to anger father in heaven who sympathizes with my weaknesses. His cross is big enough for me to drop off even larger loads of ungratefulness. (Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right?!)
You guys. I have allowed roots of pride and ingratitude grow up in my heart for years. You can imagine the pain involved in them being chopped down… and the joy that new seeds are replacing the old ones… seeds of real gratitude, of real awareness of what I’ve been given.
I’ve begun two lists. 1. Gifts From God. 2. Gifts From others. Maybe this sounds cheesy. But that’s ok… I think I have learned to accept that I’m a huge cheese-ball. I may have to get cheesy to become grateful. More like I may have to put on some humility to be grateful. It’s been transformational to write down all of the ways I’ve been lavishly blessed. I’m in the process of telling others the ways they have blessed me. The sweet thing is that it’s the Holy Spirit inspiring me to tell people of my gratefulness for them and not a “how to” attempt at making relationships better. Love breathed by the Holy Spirit is such a sweet thing! I’ve got a long way to go, folks!
Left to myself, I do not naturally gravitate towards gratitude. With the Word, the living and active, sharp as a sword WORD of God- so much gratefulness is possible. That’s what I need as my compass. That’s what I can trust in.
Here’s a look at Psalm 56 to encourage your heart…
Psalm 56
1Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;
all day long an attacker oppresses me; 2my enemies trample on me all day long,
for many attack me proudly. 3When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you. 4In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?
5All day long they injure my cause;
all their thoughts are against me for evil. 6They stir up strife, theylurk;
theywatch my steps,
as they have waited for my life. 7For their crime will they escape?
In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!
8You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book? 9Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, thatGod is for me. 10In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise, 11in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
12I must perform myvows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.
I would love to hear your trials of choosing gratitude in the face of being tempted not to… please share! What are you grateful for?
My friend Samm informed me of this awesome place that exists in St. Paul, MN- can you believe it? After a long, cold, icy winter, this felt like a drive to the tropics! Except it only took 10 minutes from my house. Nick and I walked around, looked at beautiful gardens and sat on benches drinking coffee and talking. I highly recommend!
Nothing like a good thick Northernly greeting, right? Northernly is a new word, FYI. Its only appropriate since I am blogging from the northern woods of Minnesota at my parents cabin, where we are chilling for the weekend with some very dear friends. I thought I’d take a break from my series on gratitude and just say hey! What are you up to this lovely weekend? I don’t know about you, but I plan to wear sweatpants for the next three days straight and smell like a big campfire. Got a good book (“The Great Divorce” By C.S. Lewis), a beautiful lake view, a sweet hub and sweet friends, and the cherry on top: a real fireplace with a real fire. For an introvert at heart, this doesn’t get any better!
So I saw this at the 'bou the other day. Timely!
So how were your past few mornings? You know, the part where your alarms went off and you had to get out of bed? I must confess: My past few mornings have been… revealing to say the least. Yeah, when circumstances go differently than planned and I’m sick… a whole lot comes out of hiding and into the light, which for the believer, is strangely full of liberating joy…and… more grace.
This week is spring break for Nick and me. Since we work in college ministry, its one of the perks. Its actually a great week for catching up on sleep and giving some extra attention to the practical’s of life. I had come down with a pretty bad cold/sinus infection so this break was much needed. Most weeks, I am so go-go-go from one hang out with students to the next, in and out of coffee shops, dorm rooms, & our apartment, etc. I love the balance of people in my life during the week, it blesses me a ton.
So back to mornings and alarms. So I had these expectations for this week that seemed to instantly rule me when my alarm went off- my desire to wake up early and get some things done, my desire for my husband to sweetly give a ton of googly affection to me right away in the morning, my desire to have a plan of attack. But I don’t think I even heard my alarm this week because of being totally knocked out by NyQuil for about four nights straight. Waking up in a total fog of snot, coughing and a case of “Where the heck am I?”and bursting with unrealistic expectations, which actually turned into demands… desires for good things became ultimate things all too quickly in those tiny groggy moments.
When I groggly woke up yesterday, I heard Nick turning on the shower. I had this expectation that its spring break, He’s going to wake up slowly with me, turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, ask my how I would like to spend my morning and then of course cancel any of his plans or ignore any of his needs in order to meet MY needs. Woah there, sista. I tell myself in hindsight. Can’t a husband take a shower? Aren’t those expecations all about YOU and aren’t they a little super-sized? Yes, I confess. How quickly my “good” desire for my husband’s presence and affection became “ruling” of my joy, my contentment, my start to the day. Believe me, I tried to blame the Nyquil after I realized I was being quite demanding when I asked Nick to turn off the shower come back to bed with me. He was in typical Nick-mode- wake up, shower, try to be out the door by 9 so he has time to spend alone with God before He goes to the office to work. But I was in relaxed, carefree- spend time with ME- mode. Not a good hubby/wifey combination for a morning.
But God used it to teach me a whopping lesson- and turned me from grumbling to praising all in the course of one morning! THAT is a huge evidence of grace. He not only convicted me of sin, but returned it with grace and perspective. This was the order of it all: my expectations not met, angry heart, small fight with Nick, going for a run while listening to Paul Tripp’s “Be good and angry” series…then…BAMB… underneath the railroad bridge on West Rive Pkwy… I repented…. I ran into my father’s arms and said, “I will NOT go home without confessing in FULL to my husband and asking his forgiveness. I will not let him leave for work until I repent in FULL…. then BAMB again… God…DELIVERED me! He reminded me 2 Cor. 9:8 that He is able to make all grace about to me in ALL things! I trusted Him to remove my cowardly heart that wants to shrink and hide in my sin and give me boldness. To walk in the door from my run desiring deliverance, desiring healing, making up my mind to let God “re-start” my day.
With a good sweat (I was excited to get home!) and through a few tears, I basically confessed the following to Nick which I’ll gladly share with you. Here is how I was humbled on my run yesterday… (I’d also like to thank Paul Tripp!)
So my most massive desire in my heart this week which in itself was a good thing: to spend some quality time with Nick. Confession: Nick is pretty much my favorite person in the world to be with, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel really loved and appreciated, I love his personality and pretty much doing anything in life with him- being with him is just sheer enjoyment to me most of the time. So my desire for his time and attention was pretty big coming into this week because this is spring break right? Key word: BREAK. For me, that means I wont be on the campus a ton, but for Nick it means he’s still going in to the office M-F. Of course, my desire for him to go in a little later and take longer lunch breaks and come home early was unspoken, which always goes down real good. (If you’re a fellow wife out there- I know you know what I mean) Here’s the clutch.
As some of you may have experienced, when a desire for something “good” becomes “ruling” in your heart, anger and conflict begins to swell inside of us. You know like how you sometimes just craaaaave that mocha from starbucks and then realize its closed? Your desire for the mocha- which is a good thing- suddenly becomes your fuel for massive ANGER when you realize there’s no possible way you will get to have that mocha. Well, that’s what happens to me A LOT in life. I have all of these desires, expectations, standards that are way too high, hopes for things that are in-and-of-themselves good things. But when they don’t give me what I want, when they don’t make me feel the way I want to feel, they become the fuel to anger and discontentment. Because I wasn’t created to have “creations” serve me. I wasn’t created to have mochas, husbands, exercise, friends, comfortable living, etc. serve me. No wonder that don’t ultimately satisfy me!
I was created to have God alone in the person of Jesus Christ serve me. Surprised that God actually wants to serve us? He says it Himself in His word in Luke 12: 37 “Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them.” He is rooted in a heart of service to His children. Matthew Henry observes in His commentary on the whole bibe: “Jesus Christ was among his disciples as one that served, and did once, to show his condescension, gird himself, and serve them, when he washed their feet (Jn. 13:4, 5); it signified the joy with which they shall be received into the other world by the Lord Jesus, who is gone before, to prepare for them, and has told them that his Father will honour them, (Jn. 12:26.)”
When it seems WE should be the one’s washing the feet of Jesus, HE was the one washing ours. When it seems we should have honored Him and treated Him as a higher king than any, instead we crucified Him. It seems our God would not serve us, but that is the very foundation of His love- to serve sinners. We were created to be served by Him and no other.
So quickly I wake up with a worship issue. Since I was created with an innate constant pulse to worship something, it only makes sense that worshipping and expecting things from things I wasn’t created to worship in the first place would lead to frustration, anger and discontentment. My worship needs to be realigned from creation to creator. From things and people to GOD alone.
I’m sure in the right mind, we could all look at the mocha incident and agree that an appropriate response would be, “Its ok, I don’t need to have that mocha today. I’ll just brew some coffee at home.” But how badly did you want that mocha? How badly did you think it would make you happy? OH, I am all too familiar with believing things will deliver me from my lonliness, my pain, my boredome, my insecurity, my tiredness, my sin, or what have you.
I’ve just come to realize that with a husband as sweet and nurturing, as thoughtful, encouraging and loving, the closest person to me on the face of the planet, the person most gracious to me, the person I enjoy the most… is undoubtedly going to be the biggest “good thing” that I desire that quickly turns into a “ruling thing.” On any given day, this will be of utmost temptation.
Scan your past week. What are the things and people in your life that you wish would satisfy your desires? What fuels your anger? Who or what do you often escape to only to wake up with a hang-over of “This wasn’t what I expected it to be,” or “This didn’t make me feel how I expected it to make me feel?” I can already think of a zillion other things than my husband that don’t serve me like my God does.
So in the time span of my 45 minute run, the Lord was able to humble me. Yes, seeing my sin is painful. The fact that I hurt others is painful. But I was released, delivered, and FREE after confessing to Nick that I have put his affection for me in the place of God’s. He held me and forgave me before I was nearly finished my teary confession.
He is so like Christ. And yet He is not Christ. That is sobering- and I am happy to report that God is in the business of re-starting your day ANY time of the day. He can do it at 8am, noon, 5pm, even 10pm, even 3am! Its so worth it to run into His arms a mess instead of running and hiding. It has a far better result than letting anger have the foothold of my day..
Well, thats all for now folks! Have a lovely weekend! Don’t be too jealous of my weekend plans…
So my first week of reading choosing gratitude was really revealing of how much of a complainer I really am. You’d think setting out on a quest to learn to be more grateful would be easy, right? It’s as if with each page something to complain about decided to newsflash across my mind. I’d read a few pages and then go about my day to find myself startlingly aware of this thing that seems to nag me day in and day out- its my false sense of entitlement. Wow, what a work the Lord set in to do when He decided to make me His daughter.
I think I am starting to understand that He takes really weak, broken, squashed, seemingly unchangeable, stubborn, proud, cowardly and wandering lost people as His craftsmanship. Yep, that’s me. If you ever thought I was pretty, think again! There’s loads of things that need to be taken to the dump just taking up empty space in my heart. I’m convinced God really loves me and therefore wants to go in and do some spring cleaning in my soul.
So what about the part where I willingly surrender? Well… that’s not so easy I’m finding out. It takes some serious heart evaluation and effort and possibly some over-extended stays at Caribou to carve away some time for this- I have no problem carving away some time for a latte or mocha- but to reevaluate my soul? Hardly as easy! Maybe accompanied by a something tasty and grande, this will be easier… whoops, got swept away in a lie. The truth is that the only thing GRANDE I need is grace. With a shot of comfort and trust in my God who has promised to conform me into the image of His son. (Rom 8:29)
DeMoss challenges me by reminding me “Unfortuntely, reading a book on gratitude does not make a person grateful! And ungrateful people don’t become grateful overnight. Nor do we become grateful by merely thinking about it or wishing to be more so. Like any other virtue, a grateful spirit is the work of God’s spirit within the life of a believer who is purposeful about putting off fleshly inclinations and cultivating spiritual ones. And that takes time, effort, and focused attention.”
Time, effort and focused attention are not always my fortes, but I’m not a hopeless case! In the midst of heightened awareness of my sin I remind myself of 2 Cor. 9:8 “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”
So I guess you could say my first week of this book revealed how unable I am to produce this fruit of His spirit in my life. Now I will say that its not like my “ungratefulness” is outwardly noticeable. Its not like I walk around complaining and whining to everyone that I meet and see, for that wouldn’t be “polite” and who wants to voluntarily be a Debbie Downer? If you know me, you’re probably not going to categorize me as an ungrateful brat at first glance. But its apparent in my inward attitude, the thoughts that I think, the way that I can treat my husband when my agenda gets interrupted or things don’t go my way. When my expecations don’t get met, you can bet: out comes the grumbling, complaining Katie! Who likes to live behind closed doors most of the time. Well, you sure don’t want to be behind closed doors with me when I don’t get my way!
Complaining Bird. At least he has a swing though, right??
DeMoss is really, really challenging me, I tell you! She is being so bold. She’s one of those authors I’ve never met, but if I could- I would give her a huge hug probably full of tears to tell her how much I have needed this! Even though I’m in the “Terrible Two’s” phase of this whole thing- The phase where I whine and complain and bark out all kinds of untrue ME ME ME commands when I don’t get my way, I can already see the Holy Spirit at work. May I point out one evidence of grace? That I am now AWARE of it! For so long, I’ve been in denial. Not even denial, just total ignorance of this sin in me. Not ever aware that it existed until now. So this is where change begins I believe! When you become AWARE of new areas of sin, selfish patterns of thinking and feeling, you can start to look at yourself a little more clearly in the mirror. You can start admitting what is really true and confessing to God all of your need.
Another evidence of grace: I’m talking about this a lot with God and my husband. I’m repenting more frequently. I’m seeing what a good God and father I really have- that there is no room for grumbling and complaining when we have His kingdom to advance and when we are promised “fullness of joy in his presence.” (Psalm 16:11)
As DeMoss puts is, “I want you to be so available to His spirit’s leading, so aware of others’ needs, and so willing to be open and genuine, that God takes the things Satan meant for evil and transforms them into things of value.”
Wow, to be like that! I think to myself as I gaze off into the clouds peacefully puffing by our apartment windows on Huron Blvd. Its as if God is reminding me: HE will work this all out. HE will walk me through these muddy waters. HE will accomplish all of His purposes in me… HE will help me become grateful. Did I mention that my personality type is labeled “dreamer?” So you can imagine what I am dreaming of becoming… I’ll bet God is way more committing to dreaming of who I am becoming and making sure His purpose is accomplished in me than I am. That’s mighty comforting.
So I’ve done some digging through my bible and jotting down of what God says about being thankful. I’m a little blown away at how thankful the Apostle Paul was! Every letter of His included sincere and overwhelming gratitude. You can just feel his heart pounding with thankfulness when you read his words. I’m beginning to ponder: what was he so thankful for? Why was he so grateful? You can’t be truly grateful for something unless you have something to be truly grateful for.
Now I could say a lot of Sunday-Schoolish sounding things like- I’m grateful for Jesus death on the cross, grateful that he saved me from my sin, grateful that he A.B.C. and on and on and on. But if those are merely words swirling around in my mind then its more like saying I know what I should be thankful for rather than being truly grateful at a heart level. I long for these things to swirl down into my heart and awaken my soul! I want to believe that there are actual things to be grateful for so that gratefulness can overflow from a heart that really believes in the things she is grateful for. I feel like I could be on the show trading spaces. I think I am slowly surrending to them coming in and offering me some new ideas for my life! I can just see the new designers parading through all of the rooms of my heart with new paint colors, lamps, rugs, and furniture- but I have to let them in, I have to be willing to give up some old stuff. Ok… I think I can do that… God, I think I can let you come in and change me. I know you are in the business of redemption… the business of taking old creations and making them new. I confess: I WANT that. I am here, bowed down, confessing in honesty that my heart is open, unlocked and soft enough in this moment to let you into my ungratefulness. Help me stay here… for more than this hour… for more than this book… for more than a few months… help me for a lifetime.
“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Col. 3:17
Now I KNOW I can’t do that without God’s mighty strength. I pray He delights to give this to His very weak daughter (me).
Stay tuned for more evidences of grace as I share with you what I’m learning through this process. I am going to try to blog a few times a week about it- to help me stay committed to this! After all- it DOES take time, effort and focuses attention (like I mentioned above- my personal fortes). Hopefully blogging about it will help!
Hey Everyone! Here is a video of Nick and me facing our piles of late night dishes. Its just a glimpse of my fight to be GRATEFUL rather than always wishing I had more. Even in this tiny little video alone, there are countless blessings. A sink, water, soap, dishes to eat off of, food that made the dishes dirty in the first place, a sweet husband who actually DOES the dishes for me most of the time- I mean really, spoiled is an understatement. The Lord is gently reminding me of what to be thankful for, instead of wishing I had more than he’s given me. I am thankful to live in our apartment, which allows us to live right on campus where we minister to college students and for the relationships we have in our lives, which is why we have so many dishes! Who needs a dishwasher when you have all of these other wonderful things to be grateful for?
I love my hub who is so gracious and is so willing to do the dishes when he doesn’t have to! Thank you baby!
Hey Friends! Guess what? I caved and bought the book “Choosing Gratitude” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It says “You’re journey to joy” on the cover, which at first glanced seemed a little cheesy and a bit self-help sounding, but this book is all about transformation from the heart level. I have heard this woman speak, and I find her so refreshingly delightful and helpful! She’s one of those women who I know is going to challenge me, and for some reason, I am up for (more like desperate for) her challenge of “choosing gratitude.”
In this season of my life, the Lord has been gently convicting me of a grumbling, complaining bent attitude. And if I’m honest, this is the season of my life in which I have the LEAST to complain about! Yet, daily I wake up to the war of Christ at work within me vs. my prideful, self-centered, and falsely entitled heart. When one little thing doesn’t go my way, I can quickly act or think as though people or things owe me something and that there is nothing to be grateful for. What a joke, huh? Don’t I sound like real snob? I confess… that…sometimes…ok a LOT of times… that’s what I really am!
I have been saved from the depths of Hell, yet when there are piles of dishes to do at midnight, I choose to grumble rather than rejoice for the food we got to eat, for the people we got to have over, for the running water, soap and sink we have. I think its safe to say, I need a good smack in the face. And, most likely, if you’re an American, you may need one too. Not that I’m judging! (But I am).
How can a girl who’s faced hardly any real suffering be so ungrateful? I am learning that without being proactive about seeing and acknowledging the blessings I have been given, without delighting in or at least trying to understand the command from God to “give thanks always,” I don’t stand a fat chance of living with real joy. If I don’t fight and ask the holy spirit to do a mighty work in me, I am doomed to be stuck in patterns of entitlement, complaining, ungratefulness, bitterness, and half-hearted gratitude towards people and my loving father who has so graciously given me all things.
A lot of times in my past, I’ve read books like this purely through a self-righteous lens, meaning that as I’ve read “how to” advice, I’ve largely banked on my own personal strength and capability to “obey God.” I’ve read books like these thinking, “Ok. I’ll do these five steps today. Then, everything will be better in my life.” Well, that’s like saying “I think I can, I think I can,” when the honest truth is that I really can’t. Without real heart transformation breathed by the Holy Spirit, books like these are just merely “behavior management,” which never has any lasting effects.
I could fake being grateful for the rest of my life, or I could wait on the Lord and trust Him to transform me into a radically grateful woman in the face of huge losses or serious suffering. I don’t doubt this is not an overnight transformation, but more like a lifetime. One of my biggest prayers for 2010 is to trust the Lord to radically transform me into a grateful woman by the work of His holy spirit. I use to try to muster up all my own strength in order for change to happen in my life, but I can confidently say that my strength far too often fails me. To be a real grateful woman is something beyond myself, beyond my own willpower. I need an intervention from God to be the kind of person who “chooses gratitude.” Its just so much easier to complain! Wouldn’t you agree?
So this time around, I’m completely dependent on God to help me. Every step is His, not mine. He has offered me a promise, and I am believing that He is really interested in the character of my heart and transforming my old ways of thinking into His ways of thinking.
If you’re reading this, would you mind offering up a prayer for me? 2 Cor. 9:8? I’d be mighty blessed if you would!
2 Corinthians 9:8
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”
He promises that He is able! I’m real glad about that because I am not.
I’m half-way through this book, and the Lord has been faithful! I can’t wait to tell you about the first week of reading the book and the few recent weeks in which God’s done a few 180’s on my heart.
So I’m finding out the universe doesn’t revolve around ME… and its strangely liberating. And I have a ridiculous amount of things to be grateful for… you can only imagine how much repentance has come about from reading this book. Gosh its good to be humbled and a little smacked in the face.
Thank you Nancy Leigh DeMoss for giving me a reality check and so much hope!
