Choosing Gratitude: This is Hard!

So my first week of reading choosing gratitude was really revealing of how much of a complainer I really am.  You’d think setting out on a quest to learn to be more grateful would be easy, right? It’s as if with each page something to complain about decided to newsflash across my mind.  I’d read a few pages and then go about my day to find myself startlingly aware of this thing that seems to nag me day in and day out- its my false sense of entitlement.  Wow, what a work the Lord set in to do when He decided to make me His daughter.

I think I am starting to understand that He takes really weak, broken, squashed, seemingly unchangeable, stubborn, proud, cowardly and wandering lost people as His craftsmanship.  Yep, that’s me.  If you ever thought I was pretty, think again!  There’s loads of things that need to be taken to the dump just taking up empty space in my heart.  I’m convinced God really loves me and therefore wants to go in and do some spring cleaning in my soul.

So what about the part where I willingly surrender?  Well… that’s not so easy I’m finding out.  It takes some serious heart evaluation and effort and possibly some over-extended stays at Caribou to carve away some time for this- I have no problem carving away some time for a latte or mocha- but to reevaluate my soul?  Hardly as easy!  Maybe accompanied by a something tasty and grande, this will be easier… whoops, got swept away in a lie. The truth is that the only thing GRANDE I need is grace.  With a shot of comfort and trust in my God who has promised to conform me into the image of His son.  (Rom 8:29)

DeMoss challenges me by reminding me “Unfortuntely, reading a book on gratitude does not make a person grateful!  And ungrateful people don’t become grateful overnight. Nor do we become grateful by merely thinking about it or wishing to be more so.  Like any other virtue, a grateful spirit is the work of God’s spirit within the life of a believer who is purposeful about putting off fleshly inclinations and cultivating spiritual ones.  And that takes time, effort, and focused attention.”

Time, effort and focused attention are not always my fortes, but I’m not a hopeless case! In the midst of heightened awareness of my sin I remind myself of 2 Cor. 9:8 “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”

So I guess you could say my first week of this book revealed how unable I am to produce this fruit of His spirit in my life.  Now I will say that its not like my “ungratefulness” is outwardly noticeable.  Its not like I walk around complaining and whining to everyone that I meet and see, for that wouldn’t be “polite” and who wants to voluntarily be a Debbie Downer?  If you know me, you’re probably not going to categorize me as an ungrateful brat at first glance.  But its apparent in my inward attitude, the thoughts that I think, the way that I can treat my husband when my agenda gets interrupted or things don’t go my way.  When my expecations don’t get met, you can bet: out comes the grumbling, complaining Katie! Who likes to live behind closed doors most of the time.  Well, you sure don’t want to be behind closed doors with me when I don’t get my way!

Complaining Bird. At least he has a swing though, right??

DeMoss is really, really challenging me, I tell you!  She is being so bold.  She’s one of those authors I’ve never met, but if I could- I would give her a huge hug probably full of tears to tell her how much I have needed this! Even though I’m in the “Terrible Two’s” phase of this whole thing-  The phase where I whine and complain and bark out all kinds of untrue ME ME ME commands when I don’t get my way, I can already see the Holy Spirit at work.  May I point out one evidence of grace?  That I am now AWARE of it!  For so long, I’ve been in denial.  Not even denial, just total ignorance of this sin in me.  Not ever aware that it existed until now.  So this is where change begins I believe!  When you become AWARE of new areas of sin, selfish patterns of thinking and feeling, you can start to look at yourself a little more clearly in the mirror.   You can start admitting what is really true and confessing to God all of your need.

Another evidence of grace: I’m talking about this a lot with God and my husband.  I’m repenting more frequently.  I’m seeing what a good God and father I really have- that there is no room for grumbling and complaining when we have His kingdom to advance and when we are promised “fullness of joy in his presence.” (Psalm 16:11)

As DeMoss puts is, “I want you to be so available to His spirit’s leading, so aware of others’ needs, and so willing to be open and genuine, that God takes the things Satan meant for evil and transforms them into things of value.”

Wow, to be like that! I think to myself as I gaze off into the clouds peacefully puffing by our apartment windows on Huron Blvd. Its as if God is reminding me: HE will work this all out.  HE will walk me through these muddy waters.  HE will accomplish all of His purposes in me… HE will help me become grateful. Did I mention that my personality type is labeled “dreamer?”  So you can imagine what I am dreaming of becoming…  I’ll bet God is way more committing to dreaming of who I am becoming and making sure His purpose is accomplished in me than I am.  That’s mighty comforting.

So I’ve done some digging through my bible and jotting down of what God says about being thankful. I’m a little blown away at how thankful the Apostle Paul was!  Every letter of His included sincere and overwhelming gratitude.  You can just feel his heart pounding with thankfulness when you read his words.  I’m beginning to ponder: what was he so thankful for?  Why was he so grateful? You can’t be truly grateful for something unless you have something to be truly grateful for.

Now I could say a lot of Sunday-Schoolish sounding things like- I’m grateful for Jesus death on the cross, grateful that he saved me from my sin, grateful that he A.B.C. and on and on and on.  But if those are merely words swirling around in my mind then its more like saying I know what I should be thankful for rather than being truly grateful at a heart level.  I long for these things to swirl down into my heart and awaken my soul!  I want to believe that there are actual things to be grateful for so that gratefulness can overflow from a heart that really believes in the things she is grateful for.  I feel like I could be on the show trading spaces.  I think I am slowly surrending to them coming in and offering me some new ideas for my life!  I can just see the new designers parading through all of the rooms of my heart with new paint colors, lamps, rugs, and furniture- but I have to let them in, I have to be willing to give up some old stuff.  Ok… I think I can do that… God, I think I can let you come in and change me.  I know you are in the business of redemption… the business of taking old creations and making them new. I confess: I WANT that.  I am here, bowed down, confessing in honesty that my heart is open, unlocked and soft enough in this moment to let you into my ungratefulness.  Help me stay here… for more than this hour… for more than this book… for more than a few months… help me for a lifetime.

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  Col. 3:17

Now I KNOW I can’t do that without God’s mighty strength.  I pray He delights to give this to His very weak daughter (me).

Stay tuned for more evidences of grace as I share with you what I’m learning through this process.  I am going to try to blog a few times a week about it- to help me stay committed to this!  After all- it DOES take time, effort and focuses attention (like I mentioned above- my personal fortes).  Hopefully blogging about it will help!