Humbled on My Run Yesterday

Happy Friday Yuuuuuu GIIIIIIIIYS!

Nothing like a good thick Northernly greeting, right? Northernly is a new word, FYI.  Its only appropriate since I am blogging from the northern woods of Minnesota at my parents cabin, where we are chilling for the weekend with some very dear friends.  I thought I’d take a break from my series on gratitude and just say hey!  What are you up to this lovely weekend?  I don’t know about you, but I plan to wear sweatpants for the next three days straight and smell like a big campfire.  Got a good book (“The Great Divorce” By C.S. Lewis), a beautiful lake view, a sweet hub and sweet friends, and the cherry on top: a real fireplace with a real fire.   For an introvert at heart, this doesn’t get any better!

So I saw this at the 'bou the other day. Timely!

So how were your past few mornings?  You know, the part where your alarms went off and you had to get out of bed?  I must confess: My past few mornings have been… revealing to say the least.   Yeah, when circumstances go differently than planned and I’m sick… a whole lot comes out of hiding and into the light, which for the believer, is strangely full of liberating joy…and… more grace.

This week is spring break for Nick and me.  Since we work in college ministry, its one of the perks.  Its actually a great week for catching up on sleep and giving some extra attention to the practical’s of life.  I had come down with a pretty bad cold/sinus infection so this break was much needed.  Most weeks, I am so go-go-go from one hang out with students to the next, in and out of coffee shops, dorm rooms, & our apartment, etc.  I love the balance of people in my life during the week, it blesses me a ton.

So back to mornings and alarms.  So I had these expectations for this week that seemed to instantly rule me when my alarm went off- my desire to wake up early and get some things done, my desire for my husband to sweetly give a ton of googly affection to me right away in the morning, my desire to have a plan of attack.  But I don’t think I even heard my alarm this week because of being totally knocked out by NyQuil for about four nights straight.  Waking up in a total fog of snot, coughing and a case of “Where the heck am I?”and bursting with unrealistic expectations, which actually turned into demands… desires for good things became ultimate things all too quickly in those tiny groggy moments.

When I groggly woke up yesterday, I heard Nick turning on the shower.  I had this expectation that its spring break, He’s going to wake up slowly with me, turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, ask my how I would like to spend my morning and then of course cancel any of his plans or ignore any of his needs in order to meet MY needs.  Woah there, sista. I tell myself in hindsight.  Can’t a husband take a shower?  Aren’t those expecations all about YOU and aren’t they a little super-sized?  Yes, I confess.  How quickly my “good” desire for my husband’s presence and affection became “ruling” of my joy, my contentment, my start to the day.  Believe me, I tried to blame the Nyquil after I realized I was being quite demanding when I asked Nick to turn off the shower come back to bed with me.  He was in typical Nick-mode- wake up, shower, try to be out the door by 9 so he has time to spend alone with God before He goes to the office to work.   But I was in relaxed, carefree- spend time with ME- mode.  Not a good hubby/wifey combination for a morning.

But God used it to teach me a whopping lesson- and turned me from grumbling to praising all in the course of one morning!  THAT is a huge evidence of grace.  He not only convicted me of sin, but returned it with grace and perspective.  This was the order of it all: my expectations not met, angry heart, small fight with Nick, going for a run while listening to Paul Tripp’s “Be good and angry” series…then…BAMB… underneath the railroad bridge on West Rive Pkwy… I repented…. I ran into my father’s arms and said, “I will NOT go home without confessing in FULL to my husband and asking his forgiveness. I will not let him leave for work until I repent in FULL…. then BAMB again… God…DELIVERED me!  He reminded me 2 Cor. 9:8 that He is able to make all grace about to me in ALL things!  I trusted Him to remove my cowardly heart that wants to shrink and hide in my sin and give me boldness.  To walk in the door from my run desiring deliverance, desiring healing, making up my mind to let God “re-start” my day.

With a good sweat (I was excited to get home!) and through a few tears, I basically confessed the following to Nick which I’ll gladly share with you.  Here is how I was humbled on my run yesterday… (I’d also like to thank Paul Tripp!)

So my most massive desire in my heart this week which in itself was a good thing:  to spend some quality time with Nick.  Confession: Nick is pretty much my favorite person in the world to be with, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel really loved and appreciated, I love his personality and pretty much doing anything in life with him- being with him is just sheer enjoyment to me most of the time.  So my desire for his time and attention was pretty big coming into this week because this is spring break right? Key word: BREAK.  For me, that means I wont be on the campus a ton, but for Nick it means he’s still going in to the office M-F.  Of course, my desire for him to go in a little later and take longer lunch breaks and come home early was unspoken, which always goes down real good. (If you’re a fellow wife out there- I know you know what I mean)  Here’s the clutch.

As some of you may have experienced, when a desire for something “good” becomes “ruling” in your heart, anger and conflict begins to swell inside of us.  You know like how you sometimes just craaaaave that mocha from starbucks and then realize its closed?  Your desire for the mocha- which is a good thing- suddenly becomes your fuel for massive ANGER when you realize there’s no possible way you will get to have that mocha.  Well, that’s what happens to me A LOT in life.  I have all of these desires, expectations, standards that are way too high, hopes for things that are in-and-of-themselves good things.  But when they don’t give me what I want, when they don’t make me feel the way I want to feel, they become the fuel to anger and discontentment.  Because I wasn’t created to have “creations” serve me.  I wasn’t created to have mochas, husbands, exercise, friends, comfortable living, etc. serve me.  No wonder that don’t ultimately satisfy me!

I was created to have God alone in the person of Jesus Christ serve me.  Surprised that God actually wants to serve us?  He says it Himself in His word in Luke 12: 37 “Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them.”  He is rooted in a heart of service to His children.  Matthew Henry observes in His commentary on the whole bibe: “Jesus Christ was among his disciples as one that served, and did once, to show his condescension, gird himself, and serve them, when he washed their feet (Jn. 13:4, 5); it signified the joy with which they shall be received into the other world by the Lord Jesus, who is gone before, to prepare for them, and has told them that his Father will honour them, (Jn. 12:26.)”

When it seems WE should be the one’s washing the feet of Jesus, HE was the one washing ours.  When it seems we should have honored Him and treated Him as a higher king than any, instead we crucified Him.  It seems our God would not serve us, but that is the very foundation of His love- to serve sinners.  We were created to be served by Him and no other. 

So quickly I wake up with a worship issue.  Since I was created with an innate constant pulse to worship something, it only makes sense that worshipping and expecting things from things I wasn’t created to worship in the first place would lead to frustration, anger and discontentment.  My worship needs to be realigned from creation to creator.  From things and people to GOD alone.

I’m sure in the right mind, we could all look at the mocha incident and agree that an appropriate response would be, “Its ok, I don’t need to have that mocha today. I’ll just brew some coffee at home.”  But how badly did you want that mocha?  How badly did you think it would make you happy?  OH, I am all too familiar with believing things will deliver me from my lonliness, my pain, my boredome, my insecurity, my tiredness, my sin, or what have you.

I’ve just come to realize that with a husband as sweet and nurturing, as thoughtful, encouraging and loving, the closest person to me on the face of the planet, the person most gracious to me, the person I enjoy the most… is undoubtedly going to be the biggest “good thing” that I desire that quickly turns into a “ruling thing.”  On any given day, this will be of utmost temptation.

Scan your past week. What are the things and people in your life that you wish would satisfy your desires?  What fuels your anger?  Who or what do you often escape to only to wake up with a hang-over of “This wasn’t what I expected it to be,” or “This didn’t make me feel how I expected it to make me feel?”  I can already think of a zillion other things than my husband that don’t serve me like my God does.

So in the time span of my 45 minute run, the Lord was able to humble me.  Yes, seeing my sin is painful.  The fact that I hurt others is painful.  But I was released, delivered, and FREE after confessing to Nick that I have put his affection for me in the place of God’s.  He held me and forgave me before I was nearly finished my teary confession.

He is so like Christ.  And yet He is not Christ.  That is sobering- and I am happy to report that God is in the business of re-starting your day ANY time of the day.  He can do it at 8am, noon, 5pm, even 10pm, even 3am! Its so worth it to run into His arms a mess instead of running and hiding.  It has a far better result than letting anger have the foothold of my day..

Well, thats all for now folks!  Have a lovely weekend!  Don’t be too jealous of my weekend plans…

Signing off live from this beautiful cabin,

Katie