Right now I am studying through Philippians along with our church community for the third time, and it’s been so different this time around. It can be easy to read something and think I’ve read this before, and then fear it doesn’t have anything new to offer… don’t we get to that place a lot in life? I am by far, no expert, yet with the few months that I have read Philippians, it could feel like an old CD that I’ve already listened to all its sounds, rewinded the good parts, I know all of the words, etc… but its been a lot more piercing to me personally in this season. Its been much more like listening to and old song and hearing it much louder than before… which means I may be hearing things that I don’t always want to hear…
One bit of evidence that this is falling on fresh ears is that my quiet times seem to be followed with a lot more repentance… with a lot more pensive days and reflective thinking about patterns in my life. It seems to be ‘calling me out’ and bringing to light things within me that have seemed so subtle, almost unnoticable and yet so in need of correction. Do you see where this is going? I’ll let you ponder chapter 1, verses 15-18 if you would be so willing…
“Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.”
… I confess I’ve always read this part and frowned upon ‘whoever was preaching Christ from envy and rivalry.’ Of course, not throwing myself in that category… I would fit the group that shares the gospel of Christ out of LOVE… right? This may be getting complicated, but stay with me. I’m learning that the Webster dictionary can unexpectedly make me feel like I’ve been hit with a 2 by 4. I have spent about 50% of my quiet times this summer reading the dictionary! And actually, I’ve been looking up words that I’ve heard a zillion times… but when I see the multifaceted definitions of just one word… a lot more begins to unfold in its meaning.
After chewing on this verse for a while, I began to ask myself… why were people preaching Christ out of envy or rivalry? From perusing through “Opening Up Philippians,” I began to feel a bit startled at what I learned. Allow me to paraphrase.
There was already a church in Rome before Paul arrived there and certain believers there probably held a high degree of prominence (fame, importance, etc.) Paul was growing in fame for his suffering for Christ’s sake and his spreading of the church, so the prominent leaders of the church may not have been mentioned as much, or were recognized less frequently. Thus, they became envious of Paul, so their motives for sharing the gospel of Jesus were not pure or unmixed.
In fact, it mentioned that some believers- ah-em… BELIEVERS… (gulp) were actually happy that Paul was imprisoned because now they could have a chance to come to the forefront again. Upon reading all of this, my heart grew really sad and a new fear was wakened within me. I pondered “Why does rivalry exist between believers?” Check out these words defined:
Envy: Feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or circumstances
Rivalry: Competition for the same objective or for superiority in the same field.
My ears really are new, friends. These definitions were like an injury for me. Meaning, it HURT to read them.
Apostle Paul truly stands alone. He was actually WILLing for others to speak slander of him if they would also speak well of Christ. He was so far from envying those who were able to preach the gospel while he was locked behind bars that he rejoiced in the preaching of it even by those who do it in pretense (pretending with intention to deceive) and not in truth.
Here’s where it gets convicting. Believers have fear that other believers will become known as a better preachers, speakers, administrators, teachers, encouragers, servants, song-writers, (any other spiritual giftings would fit here)… SO… stay with me… they force out of their minds the cursedness of pride and their need for humility.
Anyone else’s stomach hurt a bit? I felt myself taking gulps… because I knew it was coming… by ‘it’ I mean… conviction of sin… a right feeling of guilt. More simply, I felt exposed in the presence of God. It was slow… but… it came. And my heart followed by asking myself this really hard question:
*Where do I feel good/get joy out of seeing others suffer?
*Do I feel better when others are kept out of the spotlight? Why?
Then, came… slowly- my confession:
I have had seasons where the grace of God and his giving of gifts was not tangible to me or to people around me. I have had long seasons of suffering and waiting, seasons of not being in the spotlight, seasons of being recognized for ‘really struggling’ and seasons of not being noticed for my means of serving… and sadly, I have not be truly content much of those times. Oh, how HELPFUL those seasons have been! How deeply they can cultivate a deeper sense of humility and meekness, and maybe just slightly open me up to admire someone or something other than myself… how rich those seasons actually are! But when the Lord gives me seasons where he’s called me more into the spotlight, weather it be through ministry, through a song, through anything… I face an extreme temptation to love the GIFTS and not the GIVER. I often want to use the gifts God’s given me as fuel for greater qualities, possessions, circumstances, etc. But if I don’t have anything noticeable in any of these areas, I’m filled with…(ok Holy spirit, I hear you)… envious longing of someone else’s ministry, giftings, circumstances, qualities, lifestyle, etc.
After a deep breath, I am asking myself: who and what do I envy? I am trusting the Holy Spirit to keep speaking tenderly, to bring to light anything that’s in the dark. Thankful he’s shown me that yes- EVEN I- can preach the gospel and share Christ with a motive of rivalry or envy… because I believe the lie that there is some value in being recognized… that it is somehow better… that it will somehow give me an ounce of my own righteousness. But oh, how I am learning through this. One of the things that I am praying for my heart this summer is that, by the power of the holy spirit, I would become freer to admire others. I would love your prayers in this! That, I would repent of pride whole-heartedly in seasons where I am called serve the body of Christ in front of people and that I would experience sweet contentedness in seasons where the Lord takes me out of the spotlight and more like under the shadow of his wings. That if I should be crippled and mute, I would delight to see someone strong and articulate sharing the gospel when I can’t. Thinking of what this means in specifics for me…
I will leave you with a quote from Matthew Henry:
“We should say, ‘Let him shine though I be obscured, and his glory be exulted, though upon my ruins.’”
