katie stromwall's blog

My friend Samm informed me of this awesome place that exists in St. Paul, MN- can you believe it?  After a long, cold, icy winter, this felt like a drive to the tropics! Except it only took 10 minutes from my house.  Nick and I walked around, looked at beautiful gardens and sat on benches drinking coffee and talking.  I highly recommend!

Happy Friday Yuuuuuu GIIIIIIIIYS!

Nothing like a good thick Northernly greeting, right? Northernly is a new word, FYI.  Its only appropriate since I am blogging from the northern woods of Minnesota at my parents cabin, where we are chilling for the weekend with some very dear friends.  I thought I’d take a break from my series on gratitude and just say hey!  What are you up to this lovely weekend?  I don’t know about you, but I plan to wear sweatpants for the next three days straight and smell like a big campfire.  Got a good book (“The Great Divorce” By C.S. Lewis), a beautiful lake view, a sweet hub and sweet friends, and the cherry on top: a real fireplace with a real fire.   For an introvert at heart, this doesn’t get any better!

So I saw this at the 'bou the other day. Timely!

So how were your past few mornings?  You know, the part where your alarms went off and you had to get out of bed?  I must confess: My past few mornings have been… revealing to say the least.   Yeah, when circumstances go differently than planned and I’m sick… a whole lot comes out of hiding and into the light, which for the believer, is strangely full of liberating joy…and… more grace.

This week is spring break for Nick and me.  Since we work in college ministry, its one of the perks.  Its actually a great week for catching up on sleep and giving some extra attention to the practical’s of life.  I had come down with a pretty bad cold/sinus infection so this break was much needed.  Most weeks, I am so go-go-go from one hang out with students to the next, in and out of coffee shops, dorm rooms, & our apartment, etc.  I love the balance of people in my life during the week, it blesses me a ton.

So back to mornings and alarms.  So I had these expectations for this week that seemed to instantly rule me when my alarm went off- my desire to wake up early and get some things done, my desire for my husband to sweetly give a ton of googly affection to me right away in the morning, my desire to have a plan of attack.  But I don’t think I even heard my alarm this week because of being totally knocked out by NyQuil for about four nights straight.  Waking up in a total fog of snot, coughing and a case of “Where the heck am I?”and bursting with unrealistic expectations, which actually turned into demands… desires for good things became ultimate things all too quickly in those tiny groggy moments.

When I groggly woke up yesterday, I heard Nick turning on the shower.  I had this expectation that its spring break, He’s going to wake up slowly with me, turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, ask my how I would like to spend my morning and then of course cancel any of his plans or ignore any of his needs in order to meet MY needs.  Woah there, sista. I tell myself in hindsight.  Can’t a husband take a shower?  Aren’t those expecations all about YOU and aren’t they a little super-sized?  Yes, I confess.  How quickly my “good” desire for my husband’s presence and affection became “ruling” of my joy, my contentment, my start to the day.  Believe me, I tried to blame the Nyquil after I realized I was being quite demanding when I asked Nick to turn off the shower come back to bed with me.  He was in typical Nick-mode- wake up, shower, try to be out the door by 9 so he has time to spend alone with God before He goes to the office to work.   But I was in relaxed, carefree- spend time with ME- mode.  Not a good hubby/wifey combination for a morning.

But God used it to teach me a whopping lesson- and turned me from grumbling to praising all in the course of one morning!  THAT is a huge evidence of grace.  He not only convicted me of sin, but returned it with grace and perspective.  This was the order of it all: my expectations not met, angry heart, small fight with Nick, going for a run while listening to Paul Tripp’s “Be good and angry” series…then…BAMB… underneath the railroad bridge on West Rive Pkwy… I repented…. I ran into my father’s arms and said, “I will NOT go home without confessing in FULL to my husband and asking his forgiveness. I will not let him leave for work until I repent in FULL…. then BAMB again… God…DELIVERED me!  He reminded me 2 Cor. 9:8 that He is able to make all grace about to me in ALL things!  I trusted Him to remove my cowardly heart that wants to shrink and hide in my sin and give me boldness.  To walk in the door from my run desiring deliverance, desiring healing, making up my mind to let God “re-start” my day.

With a good sweat (I was excited to get home!) and through a few tears, I basically confessed the following to Nick which I’ll gladly share with you.  Here is how I was humbled on my run yesterday… (I’d also like to thank Paul Tripp!)

So my most massive desire in my heart this week which in itself was a good thing:  to spend some quality time with Nick.  Confession: Nick is pretty much my favorite person in the world to be with, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel really loved and appreciated, I love his personality and pretty much doing anything in life with him- being with him is just sheer enjoyment to me most of the time.  So my desire for his time and attention was pretty big coming into this week because this is spring break right? Key word: BREAK.  For me, that means I wont be on the campus a ton, but for Nick it means he’s still going in to the office M-F.  Of course, my desire for him to go in a little later and take longer lunch breaks and come home early was unspoken, which always goes down real good. (If you’re a fellow wife out there- I know you know what I mean)  Here’s the clutch.

As some of you may have experienced, when a desire for something “good” becomes “ruling” in your heart, anger and conflict begins to swell inside of us.  You know like how you sometimes just craaaaave that mocha from starbucks and then realize its closed?  Your desire for the mocha- which is a good thing- suddenly becomes your fuel for massive ANGER when you realize there’s no possible way you will get to have that mocha.  Well, that’s what happens to me A LOT in life.  I have all of these desires, expectations, standards that are way too high, hopes for things that are in-and-of-themselves good things.  But when they don’t give me what I want, when they don’t make me feel the way I want to feel, they become the fuel to anger and discontentment.  Because I wasn’t created to have “creations” serve me.  I wasn’t created to have mochas, husbands, exercise, friends, comfortable living, etc. serve me.  No wonder that don’t ultimately satisfy me!

I was created to have God alone in the person of Jesus Christ serve me.  Surprised that God actually wants to serve us?  He says it Himself in His word in Luke 12: 37 “Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them.”  He is rooted in a heart of service to His children.  Matthew Henry observes in His commentary on the whole bibe: “Jesus Christ was among his disciples as one that served, and did once, to show his condescension, gird himself, and serve them, when he washed their feet (Jn. 13:4, 5); it signified the joy with which they shall be received into the other world by the Lord Jesus, who is gone before, to prepare for them, and has told them that his Father will honour them, (Jn. 12:26.)”

When it seems WE should be the one’s washing the feet of Jesus, HE was the one washing ours.  When it seems we should have honored Him and treated Him as a higher king than any, instead we crucified Him.  It seems our God would not serve us, but that is the very foundation of His love- to serve sinners.  We were created to be served by Him and no other. 

So quickly I wake up with a worship issue.  Since I was created with an innate constant pulse to worship something, it only makes sense that worshipping and expecting things from things I wasn’t created to worship in the first place would lead to frustration, anger and discontentment.  My worship needs to be realigned from creation to creator.  From things and people to GOD alone.

I’m sure in the right mind, we could all look at the mocha incident and agree that an appropriate response would be, “Its ok, I don’t need to have that mocha today. I’ll just brew some coffee at home.”  But how badly did you want that mocha?  How badly did you think it would make you happy?  OH, I am all too familiar with believing things will deliver me from my lonliness, my pain, my boredome, my insecurity, my tiredness, my sin, or what have you.

I’ve just come to realize that with a husband as sweet and nurturing, as thoughtful, encouraging and loving, the closest person to me on the face of the planet, the person most gracious to me, the person I enjoy the most… is undoubtedly going to be the biggest “good thing” that I desire that quickly turns into a “ruling thing.”  On any given day, this will be of utmost temptation.

Scan your past week. What are the things and people in your life that you wish would satisfy your desires?  What fuels your anger?  Who or what do you often escape to only to wake up with a hang-over of “This wasn’t what I expected it to be,” or “This didn’t make me feel how I expected it to make me feel?”  I can already think of a zillion other things than my husband that don’t serve me like my God does.

So in the time span of my 45 minute run, the Lord was able to humble me.  Yes, seeing my sin is painful.  The fact that I hurt others is painful.  But I was released, delivered, and FREE after confessing to Nick that I have put his affection for me in the place of God’s.  He held me and forgave me before I was nearly finished my teary confession.

He is so like Christ.  And yet He is not Christ.  That is sobering- and I am happy to report that God is in the business of re-starting your day ANY time of the day.  He can do it at 8am, noon, 5pm, even 10pm, even 3am! Its so worth it to run into His arms a mess instead of running and hiding.  It has a far better result than letting anger have the foothold of my day..

Well, thats all for now folks!  Have a lovely weekend!  Don’t be too jealous of my weekend plans…

Signing off live from this beautiful cabin,

Katie

God is so gracious to me!  He has given me a husband who knows the gospel.  A man who trusts in Jesus and knows how to apply truth to our marriage, our conflict, and to the life decisions we make.  I could not ask the Lord for anything more in a husband.  My husband blows the standard of what I use to think husbands were out of the water.  Why?  Is it his looks? His talents? His discipline in life?  His integrity? His sense of humor?  His musical geniousness?  No.

These things are like a cherry on top of something greater.  Its the character of Christ that I see in him.  Its that He holds onto this life loosely and is willing to take risks to trust the Lord through- like raising a support team to make it possible to do college ministry.  Like being willing to move into dangerous neighborhoods to relationally share Jesus with people.  Its his confidence in the work that Christ has done on the cross for His sin- His total belief in God’s grace and freedom from the bondage of sin and death.  Its that he really loves me as Christ loves the church.  He is faithful and committed to our growth as Christians, and he is faithful to me.  He honors me, serves me, seeks my advice and opinions, is SO thoughtful for me, and is so gracious to me during conflict.  Its that he says to me, “My love for you is not conditional.  It is not based on how well you do, how much you do, or if you fail, it is based on my committment to you.  And nothing will change how committed to you I am.”  Who knew men like this exist today?  THEY DO!

The greatest dating advice I ever received in the area of dating was this, “Run hard after Jesus and life.  Make living for Jesus and giving your life away for others your biggest pursuit.  If God wants you to marry, you’ll run into your husband along the way.”

The day I threw my idol of marriage and relationships out the window after I went through some pretty bumpy break-ups and became a Christian and said, “Lord, here I am!  I want to serve you and give up my life to follow you.  Oh, and if you think its good for me when I’m ready, I would LOVE to marry a missionary!”  was the day that the Lord truly began drawing me closer and closer to this rare missionary.  In our American culture, its easy to think of missionaries as people who just fly to other countries to share the gospel.  Thankfully, God’s idea and purpose for missionaries is so much bigger than this stereotype!  All Christians are missionaries and are called to share Jesus in their entire lifestyle.  But I didn’t just want to marry someone who said they were a Christian.  I wanted to marry someone whose heart and life were actually transformed by the power of God. A man who was laying his life down that others might know this gospel of truth, grace, and freedom.  Someone whose values were not of this world or for this world, but of God’s kingdom and eternity.  I remember how my desire for my husband changed after I gave my life to Christ.  God truly gave met my desires with a man beyond my dreams.  Here’s what I got in my missionary husband:

1. A man who does not fear change

2.  A man who does not cling to comfort

3.  A man who values building up the kingdom of God more than gaining more worldly achievements

4.  A man who desires to mentor younger men and seeks counsel from older men

5.  A man who treats me like I am a queen (literally!  I feel so adored, loved and served by him!)

6.  A man who shares about Jesus in a non-threatening, relational and intentional way

7.  A man who is slow to anger and quick to repent of sin

8.  A man who is quick to forgive others and me!

9.  A man who in young, but whom the Lord has given wisdom and knowledge

10.  A man who loves to serve others

11.  A man who admits his weaknesses

12.  A man who stewards his money as though it is not his own, but God’s

13.  A man who loves to give his money to support others

14.  A man who is a good steward of his body: he eats healthy and exercises

15.  A man who loves one woman and is committed to one woman

16.  A man who sees the bible as the word of God and who uses it in ALL areas of his life

17.  A man who loves others and has compassion

18.  A man who would rather take risks that others might know Jesus than to live in his own world of comfort and security

19.  A man who never threatens or uses me, but respects me and honors me

20.  A man who supports my passions and dreams

21.  A man who encourages me to be creative and spontaneous

22.  A man who loves my family and brothers a ton!

23.  A man who helps around the house just as much as me   (I know, I know, I’m lucky!)

24.  A man who I trust

25.  A man who I delight to submit to and follow

26.  A man who I can’t wait to be a dad of our kids someday!

27.  A man who gives me great advice

28.  A man who takes me dancing and plans fun dates!

29.  A man who could be a professional listener

30.  A man who leads me closer to God and encourages me as I grow in Christ’s character

Thank you, God, for giving me Nick!!

It is so easy to get discouraged in this life.  To put too much stock into people and experiences and expectations.  Sometimes we don’t realize how much stock we’ve put into something or someone so temporary.  Its like going through a terrible break up and realizing you have put all of your hope and emotional energy into one person who you really wont spend the rest of your life with.  And then we make ourselves the victim, questioning “Why would God do this to me?”

I have found myself in this place not only when going through break-ups, but also in my prayer life. Praying for something and seeing God answer my prayer in a way that I did not ask for.  A way that I did not think would be as great as the way I would have answered my own prayer.  I fing myself identifying with the Psalmist in Psalm 77 asking, “Has God forgotten to be gracious?”

Today, when I am wishing the Lord would have answered my prayers in the way that I thought He would, I am fighting to remember all of the gracious work He has done and that His will is always good.  My best friend reminded me last night that God has heard my prayers and even if he answers them differently than I wanted, He is so good and faithful.  He will not forget any of my prayers, and He will be faithful to carry out His perfect and wise plan in the lives of all His children.  He will bring us all to completion.

In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord
To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph.

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, [1] “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?”

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah

When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

If you follow my blog regularly, you’ve gotten a glimpse of how sweet and how sanctifying (which also means: to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate) marriage is… because I’ve let you into the ebbs and flows of our life as newlyweds. If you grew up watching movies like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, and basically any other chick flicks, you have been led astray just like me. You have been led to believe that if you are beautiful and have no stomach, big boobs, and a nice butt to stare at, you will win the heart of another piece of eye candy who will sweep you off your perfectly cute feet, marry you, and then you’ll live “Happily _______ _______.” I have no doubt you can fill in the blanks.

Perhaps you weren’t led astray by the ferry-tales of Disney, but I was. Do you know what I heard on Minnesota Public Radio the other day? That Disney makes more sales selling princess and bridal accessories to five-year-olds than any other Disney Disney apparel… SAD! Five-year-olds are suppose to be skipping around in fields, playing and eating peanut-butter and jelly, not idolizing these female non-real characters as they prance around in bikinis while searching for their life-long lovers! Ok. I’ll stop my Disney rant. I really do like Cinderella.

Anyway. Marriage HELPS with SOME problems and is most definitely the sweetest gift apart from Christ I’ll ever be given in this life, but Hollywood did not prepare me for what is actually true about marriage. This is why I am so utterly thankful to have parents who are still happily married and to have been discipled/mentored by older Christian single and married women throughout college who gave me a REAL picture of singleness and marriage, the joys and struggles that befall, and how to be content either way. While its true that marriage does equate entering into a new and exciting chapter FILLED with amazing blessings, it helps to be sobered and trained for how to walk through what often becomes a battlefield.

I seem to be eagerly alert for the day that my marriage could at some point become my life’s biggest battle (and at times, feels like it!) … because in our culture it just seems that we’re doomed to expect it at some point, and in no form or fashion am I above the rest. But I do want to get to the root of why these battles begin, or I fear I’ll never change my ways during conflict with Nick. And I don’t want to be on the pathway of doom. Divorce will never be an option, till death do us part! I said it, and I meant it- forever and ever am I delighted and committed to work through conflict with Nick. I’ll admit I’m still very much a starry-eyed newly wed. Most days I think I could just stare at Nick and do nothing else… but we do have our fights. So, I’ll need help.

Instead of looking to Hollywood for the definition of love and romance, I am going to look to the bible and older, more mature married people than myself. God is the creator of marriage, so you’d think he has a lot more wisdom to offer us than Hollywood’s misrespresentation of the beauty and ideas of what being a woman is, what marriage is, and what husbands are suppose to be. I have yet to be proven wrong that the bible is more helpful than the media around me, but let me let you into a scene from my freshmen year of college…

I was so unsatisfied, but on the outside I had it all: a serious boyfriend, three jobs, perfect grades, a regular exercise routine, and awesome friends. Yet, I wasn’t happy. When circumstances didn’t go my way, do you know who I invited to my pity parties? Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughay. I would watch “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” over and over again or some other chick flick. Seriously, I would pop one into the tiny TV in my dorm room and watch it while planning “cookies and milk” night for our dorm hall. Ridiculous! I think to myself in hindsight. I watched these chick flicks because they displayed what seemed like true love. I would watch them and feel crappy cause I didn’t have it, yet hopeful because these movies seemed to portray that it CAN exist! Oh, if only I knew where to look to find it…

Hollywood combined with my sinful desires destroyed me… before I knew that I could be more loved and accepted by God than I could ever be from people. I assure you that I still watch movies regularly. Its just that I no longer bow down to what they tell me about who I am and what will make me happy in life. After living twenty-one years completely defining myself by the standards of our culture and the media, I have had a rude-awakening, after beginning to trust in Christ, to who I REALLY am and what is REALLY true about my self-worth in the eyes of God.

I’ll never forget the first day of kindergarten. I held a boy named Johnny’s hand, and I believe my teacher had to refrain many testosterone-filled five-year-olds from kissing me. I must have been hard to resist while proclaiming that Santa Clause was real and learning to sound out the alphabet! However, I remember feeling devastated when one boy decided he wanted to kiss Shelly instead of me because Shelly had her ears pierced! The chances of me being loved drastically sunk to somewhere below zero in my mind as a five-year-old. I couldn’t be loved for who I was… I had to have something more to get attention. It didn’t matter how much my parents loved and cherished me (which they did A TON!)… I was born with a natural tendency to sin and to want to be worshipped myself, rather than worship God. I was born with an innate desire to hear what God says, but to totally NOT believe any of it and look everywhere else- ANYWHERE else- but God for love and approval. Age 5-21 were the hardest most unsatisfying years of my life as I chased a false identity for one reason: to be needed and wanted by men.

I wanted to be the object of affection from the opposite sex from a young age. I wanted to be needed. I would do anything to get these things. Nowhere does our culture tell us that being a single woman is a joyful and wonderful experience. If anything, it tells us that the reasons for being a single woman are to show men that you don’t NEED them and you can make it for yourself without them. You can have your “Miss Independent” streak and shun away all attention from men all together. You can prove yourself. Well, I’m sorry. But, honestly, does this angry attempt at “Lone Success” truly make us happy women? What if we could be joyfully single? Patiently single? Single and still desiring the love and affection of an amazing man? I was anything but patient or happy.

I think deep down, we “independence seekers” are still unsatisfied because we were created with an intelligent design- with a radical opportunity to love and enjoy womanhood the way God has created it to be. Does this mean we should all be at home ironing and cooking with pink polka-dotted aprons until hubby and kiddies get home at the end of each day?! NO! Not at all! Perhaps for some, and that is perfectly ok if a woman feels called by God to serve her family and husband in this way. But this isn’t the only way, and its not mandatory for all Christian women. There is a biblical womanhood to be discovered, and it can be lived out in the working world, in politics, in schools, in hospitals, in the music business, in sales, the marketing world, in the home, and in so many other careers.

The sky is the limit with our God-given abilities as women, but it’s the motives and the heart behind why we’re living like we are- that determine if we’ll really be happy and satisfied or not. I think if we’re honest, at the end of the day, we’re all dying to be rescued and swept off our feet by the man of our dreams. Isn’t there a hidden desire in all of us women that wants to be rescued into the arms of a strong and trustworthy leader? I would find it hard to believe if women, at their true core, actually feel satisfied when they are doing the rescuing, date-asking and phone number grabbing.

Little did I know, I was this woman. But I grabbed guys’ attention in different ways than verbal requests for their presence across the table with me on a so-called date. I played the innocent “girl-next-door.” You know, the wholesome girl that people “desire for marriage.” The girl who you could just sit with and pour your heart out to, and she would comfort and listen. She would secretly gain more self-esteem from feeling needed by these relationships in her life. I liked being this girl. This girl that was hard to get, yet so soon would give anything to be in a serious relationship. If a guy EVER pursued me, I thought for about a millisecond before I nearly interrupted the invitation with a hearty and school-girlish: “Yes!” Almost as though I were being proposed to. I said yes as if my life depended on it- depended on assuring myself that I could get attention from men.

I have previously blogged about my struggle with irrational anger. I have no doubt that I will struggle with this again, but I am just now beginning to get to some deeper roots of where this anger is coming from. For most of my life, I have been defined by the amount of attention I could get from guys. As I begin to believe in different standards for who I am and how I am loved by God, I struggle to leave my old ways of thinking and believing. I struggle to believe that I am still worth something, I am still beautiful, and I am still wanted- even if Nick has to finish a work task, or even he would like to spend an hour reading his Popular Mechanics Magazine or spend a few hours playing racquetball at the U of M Rec Center with students. He does these things because he enjoys them, not because he desires them more than me. He would gladly cancel any of these things (and has!) to come running to my side to comfort me and be with me if I’m having a bad day. He will even come home from work for me!

He’s shown me over and over again that he truly cares and loves me more than anything in the world (besides God)… yet I still run to the lie that I’m not worthy of love unless I can remain the most attractive and desirable woman around. I place a lot of anxiety in maintaining this status- this status that says: Katie+ something = lovable. When God is saying to me in every moment: Katie + nothing = always lovable, now that I am saturated with the righteousness of Christ. This makes me worthy of love.

My dream is to be so changed by God’s love for me- His love that doesn’t ask or require me to add anything to who I already am- to believe so much in his grace covering all my shame and sin, that I am unaffected and unshaken if I am not wanted or “needed” by another person or my husband. I am the object of God’s affection all the time! Sadly, I am still living a lot of the time to be the object of someone else’s affection. Namely, my husband. I will love Nick better and be so much more gracious when I become a woman who finds her worth and identity in Christ before I look for my identity in my husband. I am confident that I am becoming this woman ONLY because God is faithful to me, though I go through trials and set-backs. The apostle Paul promises me that God is going to continue to work in me in Philippians Chapter 1.

Phil. 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading as I peel off the layers of myself and expose to you a rather broken and insecure girl, made confident and perfect through Jesus Christ… being made MORE like Him through my husband, Nick Stromwall. He is cuter, sweeter, more gracious, more helpful, more EVERYTHING than I ever dreamed in a the man I would marry. I don’t blame the media for my anger. I will take ownership for my sinful desires involved- my need to get approval, my desire to be perfectly physically attractive, my desire to be worshipped… its not getting these things that make me angry. When I get angry, I’m finding out, its because I am holding myself to a standard I cannot meet, or holding Nick to a standard that he cannot meet. Jesus Christ is the perfect resolution to our conflict. Jesus can meet all of our standards and provide for us a perfect relationship with Him alone, and we don’t have to meet any standards to get his love. We only have to believe that He is real and trustworthy to enter into a life-changing relationship with him.

We will still struggle, but we no longer have to give in to the dominion of sin and lies. Because of Christ, my idea of being a woman has been radically redefined. I can break free from the cultural lies I use to believe in and these recent patterns of anger. I hope that as I learn to believe that I am adored and desired by a perfect God that I will feel less angry and MUCH MORE GRACIOUS towards my husband when conflict arises. The more satisfied I am in God, the more I will give grace. Giving grace shows God’s mercy and kindness. Isn’t this what I want to show others?

I’m beginning to think so.

I can’t really think out loud, speak out loud, or process anything out loud. After a big fight in marriage after a constant few weeks without a big fight, I am quieted. I am slow to carry out any actions or sentences at all today.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.

I am thankful for the Friday Night Blues I had two days ago. They led me to a total revelation of my insecurities and false places I place my worth, which revealed so many deeper things going on inside of my heart. When Nick came home Friday night, I was messing around with cool vintage paper, my recipe book, a glue stick, magazine clippings, and cool pens. Crafts ease my mind and allow my creative juices to run wild, rather than allowing myself to run wild. Nick came home and sat next to me, held my hands, rubbed my back and calmly asked me how I was doing while apologizing for the night’s miscommunication. It was very much glorious grace.

This is a pattern I am getting use to in my life. Searching for joy in the wrong places + measuring my self worth based on my works + getting angry and unleashing sin+ processing conflict+ realizing I’m not satisfied+ REPENTANCE = Receiving glorious grace and Christ’s righteousness covering all of my insecurities and sin. However, it is very much a wrestling match between believing lies and believing truth. It takes all I am to believe fully that God’s grace completely removes me from condemnation and punishment. I am totally freed because of Christ’s perfect life given to me and his death, which bore the wrath for all of my sin. It is finished. There is nothing more I have to do to gain his worth and love. Nothing. I’m free. But I have to knock down the wall of lies to believe it.

As the pattern continues, I continue to learn more about myself and God- and I’m slowly seeing myself change! Nick is honestly the best catalyst to my growth and change as a person and as a Christian. Being in such close relationship with him has revealed so many things inside of me that was sneakily hidden before marriage. Because of the natural level of accountability spouses bring each other, I am forced to look myself in the heart and examine. The deeper I am exposed, the more grace I see! I am flippant and swayed by emotions and circumstances (if that’s not obvious!), but God remains steadfast and unchanging in his love. Whew! I am so blessed.

As the Friday Night Blues were coming to an end, I poured out my heart and insecurities, Nick listened- much like I would imagine Jesus listens to us when we pour our hearts out to him. After a good cry, he began helping me with the recording equipment he surprised me with a few weeks after getting married. As he fuddled with the computer, microphone and piano, we finally figured out how to record! I played and sang while he played around with the computer program. I love writing songs and singing. Nick loves computers. A match made in heaven? I think so.

After facing the truth- that I have been rescued by God’s grace and shown mercy amidst my sin and rebellion of God- I eventually shed this grace upon Nick, and he shed grace upon me as well within minutes of him walking in the door. Honestly, I can’t imagine what marriage would be like without this understanding- that we are both deeply sinful and the only way we can truly forgive each other is because we have first been forgiven. Right now, I am trusting in Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Even though I had the Friday Night Blues because of a combination of expectations not being met, a sinful heart and insecurities, I have been set free from it all in Christ. Because of this glorious grace, Nick and I have been able to (after processing through deeper issues and sin) forgive and forget.

I am on the lifelong journey to hope in God instead of in things, people, marriage, how I look, how others perceive me, etc.

Thanks for being on this slow and awesome journey with me.

Why is it that I can be having a great day and then within one second, my entire world falls apart? Here I am, in the aftermath of that second. In fact, whatever took place in that second is now ruining my entire night. Let me tell you how ridiculous I am.

So, all day, I have basically been a housewife. I’ve been doing laundry and cleaning and cooking. You know what I’m talking about. Fridays are my day off of work, so I basically take care of everything around the house on these days. There have been a few times when I’ve attempted to do all of these things and then some, in hopes to superly-duperly impress my incredibly organized, efficient, and structured husband. Previous to marriage, you would usually find me playing guitar, possibly wasting time, putting things off, and finding something creative and random to focus my attention on. So… I really like it when I can show that I do have it in me to be organized.

So, today, I went to his first racquetball game (and even video taped!), but I had to come home to finish our laundry since we live in an apartment and our laundry could get booted and we could get hated if we don’t get in and out of there fast, so I walked all the way back home and carried on with my housewifey duties.

Now, there have been previous Fridays in which Nick has come home from work and these tasks have been either in progress or not completed quite like I made it out to sound like, so he has been frustrated at times because he likes things organized and he likes it when people do what they say they are going to do. This is a great quality about Nick and makes him so great at what he does in his life, but it, at times, leaves me feeling really anxious about getting things done so that he feels our home is an organized and comfortable place to live. And, being newly married, I tend to put way too much emphasis and over-exaggeration into these mundane tasks. Rather than just being ok with the fact that I don’t do this perfectly at times, I run in the other direction saying, “Just watch! I will make this the best most organized place on this earth! Hmph!” or something bratty and ridiculous like that.

So this afternoon, while he was crushing his opponents in racquetball, I was putting all the laundry away, cleaning up all of the messes, organizing closets, and I prepared his dinner on the table so that he could have it when he got home (I assure you- I don’t do this every day! Usually, we just wing dinner and eat it together. I’m not typically the type to have our house all perfect-y when he arrives home). But this time, I was going to make it a treat for him, and I was sooooooooo excited!

Then, I get a call he’s moving on to finals in the tournament and that he got in touch with a student he is going to hang out with, so he tells me that he wont be coming home but he’s just going to go straight to the student event (which we were planning on going to together). On any given day, I could react like this: “Ok babe! Sounds great, see you there in about an hour!” But not today.

I reacted how I felt: crushed. I was putting so much hope into greeting him at the door and showering him with wifely affection and love and so looking forward to him getting home and feeling stress free. In my feeling crushed-ness, I began to make Nick my opponent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a student? I thought you were going to come home first! I had dinner all ready for you and I finally did everything I said I would!” I allowed myself to over-react to him just before his final rounds. Probably not the most loving thing for me to do, right? Well, I did it anyway. If he was going to let me down, then I was going to get even and angry.

Then, I started a really immature text message battle- you know, like I was back in the seventh grade again. And honestly, I have never began a snotty text message war with Nick- ever! But tonight I wanted to act 13. I texted with a lot of force the words, “I am staying home and I hope you have fun.” Then, I sent another just to make him mad, “I am really pissed.” And I kept going. “I had everything all ready for you and you’re just blowing me off!” My text messaging did nothing helpful, and currently I am planted on our white chair in our lonely apartment with candles still lit from being excited for hubby to come home, sulking and feeling really upset. But there is something in me that feels really selfish right now and not gracious towards my husband at all.

So, in one second a great day has turned into a crappy day. And, I know I’m guilty. I know that I am just self-pitying and deciding that this night is ruined. But, I am also realizing how insecure I am. I am not trusting in Christ for my identity, but I am putting my hope in two things: How college ministry is going and how much I can please my husband. Its like I think that these are the only two things that make up my self worth sometimes.

The truth of beginning college ministry is that it takes time for relationships to develop with students. If I don’t show up to an event with a new student, then my identity will feel less valuable because this is my job- to bring new students. Granted there are plenty of students going that I already know, but there is something special about bringing a new student. Bringing someone new into such a great world of friends and love is probably one of the greatest highs one could experience- watching someone who may not have found friends yet or may not believe in God experience God’s people and awesome friendships for the first time is what college ministry is all about! And I just feel crappy sometimes if I can’t bring someone new. I seek to live missionally- I don’t want the gospel just to change my life- but I want it to bring girls the same joy and freedoms I have experienced because of it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my hope in Christ and trust in Him, no matter my failures or successes- and even more- Nick’s failures and successes? If my ultimate hope was in a perfect God instead of imperfect people, I could react to my expectations not being met in such a flexible and forgiving way.

But here I am, stuck in the mud. I don’t have a student to bring tonight and I’m upset with Nick, so I don’t want to go to the annual “root-beer pong” tournament we have planned. I know, it sounds nerdy and its not the typical beer pong most people play, but it is a great time anyway. However, I suck at it since I lost nearly all rounds of real beer pong in college, so why go anyway? Except I really do like root-beer. But I’m mad. My expectation didn’t get met, and I’m moping around because of it.

I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process. Marriage has been going so great lately, and then I have to declare it Friday Fight Night when I could have rolled with the punches , moved on, and greeted Nick at the student event all smiles.

But I’m selfish and putting my worth in all the wrong places.

My moral dilemma: If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband? AND- he didn’t even do anything intentionally wrong, so shouldn’t I forgive and forget?

Help.

Whew!  We’re surviving!  Three and a half months of marriage and the lens of which I see the world through continues to get bigger and bigger.  Why?  Because I am seeing that something that I thought was all about myself and my longings being fulfilled is about something much bigger and broader than myself and the little world in which I live.

So the first month of marriage was equally blissful as it was challenging.  If I could freeze month three, I would!  It is filled with God’s grace and blessings beyond what I thought imaginable in temporary human marriage.  Marriage takes work, and the past three months have been the greatest job of my life- getting to know Nick more deeply than any human bond on this earth, exposing myself completely before him, and getting to know my real savior amidst my loneliness, despair, and fear- Jesus Christ.  As I have grown closer to my first best friend, God himself, I have been shed with grace and an outpouring of love and care for my second best friend, Nick.

I never knew how much the simple, yet incredibly complex quest to enjoy God effects everything in my life, especially my marriage. When I don’t enjoy who God is, I don’t enjoy much else in life.  When I enjoy God, I enjoy everything.  I enjoy Nick. I enjoy living life with him.  I feel as though we are both forward positions on a soccer team, assisting each other for the next goal.  Sound cheesy?  Sorry.  Its just that I’m overjoyed after walking through some darker days of confusing goals.  Was I living to achieve perfection in marriage, or was I living to enjoy God with Nick on my team?  If I am honest, I’ll admit that I was living to achieve perfection in a human relationship- and I discovered all over again that its impossible.  With the help of many others, my goal has deviated from its unrealistic-ness into something attainable and even more satisfying- enjoying God!

It really feels like we’re apart of a team that is much bigger than Nick and me.  Its like the soccer ball got punted from the goalie, to the defender, kicked out of bounds, tossed back by a soccer dad, thrown in to the midfielder, passed to the forwards, and the people in our lives are sharing the ball all around, helping each other get to the goal- which I believe to be enjoying God and who He is and what he has given us.  At this very moment, each of us has the great challenge to enjoy God during whatever he has currently given us as a circumstance. For some of us, that’s marriage, for some- singleness, for others- overcoming addiction, and others- a difficult job, etc.  I don’t think we would be experiencing marital bliss in month three without surrounding ourselves with older, married couples on a more-than-weekly basis, otherwise known as the rest of our “team” as described above.

We discuss weekly (and sometimes more-than-weekly) the specifics of how marriage is doing with our marriage couples group.  Sometimes I show up holding Nick’s hand all cloud-nine-ish like and other times I show up in tears because of a big fight we’ve had, and I freely admit: “I’m not doing well” as the tears roll. The point being- we are average people tainted with sin, so we have conflict like every other relationship, and we have to work through it.  Sometimes that means working through emotions, fears, hurtful words, sinful tendencies, and downright anger.

To me, marriage is a fairy tale… but not the kind that you see in Disney movies.  Its better because, as my mom has shared with me, it is something you have to fight for daily.  Its better than the movies because it includes redemption as the main fuel for getting unbelievable joy and satisfaction in our marriage.  That may mean we have to work through hard days, weeks, months, and someday- maybe years- of conflict.  Nick and I are not above any sin in this world, making even the worst of tragedies possible for us.  This is why we have to fight. This is why we need you to fight with us!  Walking in the light and confessing sin honestly and openly with others paves the way for the redemption of the root causes of our arguments and imperfections.  Its what makes us change over time and makes months like month three full of marital bliss!  I am expressing my joy in this moment, while fully aware that month four could bring struggle and pain.  Whatever it brings, I’ll blog about it.  I’ll blog about how its really going and hopefully receive help along the way.

I don’t want it to sound as though marriage is bliss all of the time because if you could live with us day in and day out, you’d hear the arguments, you’d see the way that I hate to be confronted about my downfalls and throw two-year-old-like tantrums in which bobby-pins have been thrown, pillows have been punched, and long walks have been cool-down methods for the short-temperament that I have; you’d see the way Nick can be very concerned about things like getting gas before the tank runs out and planning, and you’d see the inconsistency in my overall life-effectiveness and to-do tasks.  You’d also see that Nick and I are total opposites on the spectrum of personality types… yet we share a common bond of grace from God which unites us so strongly amidst our sin and negative tendencies and makes coming together (otherwise known as: sex) truly a firework of daily sin being forgiven and loving someone though they are not your twin or ultimate being of love.

My sincere apologies if this is moving anyone to uncomfort.  I just wanted to give a real and authentic picture of what month three looks like for this thing called marriage, which God has called us to at this point of our pilgrimage in life.

It is a ride, and we are flying through the twists and turns seeking to have our hands up and open to whatever the Lord shall bring us through to make us more like Him.

Instead of thinking that marriage is about my ultimate and total satisfaction and happiness, I now see how fighting for marriage is what brings the satisfaction and happiness. Through working through our issues and short-comings, we see more of God’s faithfulness, and in turn, marriage is, on October 22, 2008, unspeakably satisfying.  Because we continue to be rescued by God’s grace and the help of others, I am filled with joy beyond words.  The fight will continue… and we’ll invite you through each step.

Month #1 and month #2 felt like incredibly slloooooowww crawling, but I think month three is showing signs of us at least standing up and holding on to something.  Perhaps walking is in sight?

If you have a story of redemption through a difficult trial, I’d love to hear about it!