Samm, Paul, Maddux and Sophie Poteat

Holly, Eric and Evvy Lonergan!

Brian and Mindy Johnson!  (Also known as the Baja’s)

Our newest addition- Nikki and Ried Jilek!  We’re so blessed to have them this year!

Thoughts from Nick:

“This was really helpful to think of last night as I looked through Eph 6 and 1 thes 5:8 — I often forget I dont automatically get the gospel without first putting on the gospel.  I’m praying for you today that your day would be marked by the fruits of the spirit, and that the whole armor of God would be protecting you today.”

Nick asked himself  “Am I trusting this today?”

My Daily Protection (Excerpt from Milton Vincent’s Gospel Primer book)

“As long as I am inside the gospel, I experience all the protection I need from the powers of evil that rage against me. It is for this reason that the Bible tells me to “take up” and “put on” continually the whole armor of God; and the pieces of armor it tells me to put on are all merely synonyms for the gospel. Translated literally from the Greek, they are:

“. . . the salvation . . . the justification . . . truth . . . the gospel of peace . . . the faith . . . [and the] . . . word of God.”

What are all these expressions but various ways of describing the gospel? Therefore, if I wish to stand victorious in Jesus, I must do as the songwriter suggests and “put on the gospel armor, each piece put on with prayer.”

That God would tell me to “take up” and “put on” this gospel alerts me to the fact that I am not automatically protected by the gospel. In fact, these commands imply that I am vulnerable to defeat and injury unless I seize upon the gospel and arm myself with it from head to toe. And what better way is there to do this than to preach the gospel to myself and to make it the obsession of my heart throughout each day?”

Thankful first for the good news of Jesus and how he is ABLE to protect me today in my weakness and vulnerability to sin.  He’s able to hear me cry out to him and faithful to deliver me- even more faithful to forgive me when I stumble and fall.  Secondly, I’m grateful for all of the people in my life who remind me of this daily- including my sweet, dear husband.

Ladies, I never foresaw myself being a racquetball fan.  BUT…  A few weeks ago, I really enjoyed going to my husband’s tournament.  I brought a good book to read between games and for his last round of games, I worked my magic and brought a personal fan club (a.k.a. my parents, our neighbors in our apartment and a student Nick is discipling).  Two things brought my heart joy: 1.  Watching my husband in his ‘element’ (really, he is so good!)  2.  ENCOURAGING Him by being there and surprising him with food and pre-game energy drinks ( the way to a man’s heart, right?).  I am learning so much about the call to encourage in this season.  The call to encourage my husband.

See those M & M’s He got to take home?  Not sure that they made it all the way home… That pic of us is from his tourney one year ago, which also won him a very shiny medal.

I think I need to start buying Him Wheaties for breakfast, what do you think?

]]> http://www.katiestromwall.com/blog/2010/10/26/racquetball-champ/feed/ 0 http://www.katiestromwall.com/blog/2010/03/23/our-fun-date-at-the-conservatory/ http://www.katiestromwall.com/blog/2010/03/23/our-fun-date-at-the-conservatory/#comments Tue, 23 Mar 2010 14:56:32 +0000 katiestromwall http://www.katiestromwall.com/blog/?p=887 My friend Samm informed me of this awesome place that exists in St. Paul, MN- can you believe it?  After a long, cold, icy winter, this felt like a drive to the tropics! Except it only took 10 minutes from my house.  Nick and I walked around, looked at beautiful gardens and sat on benches drinking coffee and talking.  I highly recommend!

Nothing like a good thick Northernly greeting, right? Northernly is a new word, FYI.  Its only appropriate since I am blogging from the northern woods of Minnesota at my parents cabin, where we are chilling for the weekend with some very dear friends.  I thought I’d take a break from my series on gratitude and just say hey!  What are you up to this lovely weekend?  I don’t know about you, but I plan to wear sweatpants for the next three days straight and smell like a big campfire.  Got a good book (“The Great Divorce” By C.S. Lewis), a beautiful lake view, a sweet hub and sweet friends, and the cherry on top: a real fireplace with a real fire.   For an introvert at heart, this doesn’t get any better!

So I saw this at the 'bou the other day. Timely!

So how were your past few mornings?  You know, the part where your alarms went off and you had to get out of bed?  I must confess: My past few mornings have been… revealing to say the least.   Yeah, when circumstances go differently than planned and I’m sick… a whole lot comes out of hiding and into the light, which for the believer, is strangely full of liberating joy…and… more grace.

This week is spring break for Nick and me.  Since we work in college ministry, its one of the perks.  Its actually a great week for catching up on sleep and giving some extra attention to the practical’s of life.  I had come down with a pretty bad cold/sinus infection so this break was much needed.  Most weeks, I am so go-go-go from one hang out with students to the next, in and out of coffee shops, dorm rooms, & our apartment, etc.  I love the balance of people in my life during the week, it blesses me a ton.

So back to mornings and alarms.  So I had these expectations for this week that seemed to instantly rule me when my alarm went off- my desire to wake up early and get some things done, my desire for my husband to sweetly give a ton of googly affection to me right away in the morning, my desire to have a plan of attack.  But I don’t think I even heard my alarm this week because of being totally knocked out by NyQuil for about four nights straight.  Waking up in a total fog of snot, coughing and a case of “Where the heck am I?”and bursting with unrealistic expectations, which actually turned into demands… desires for good things became ultimate things all too quickly in those tiny groggy moments.

When I groggly woke up yesterday, I heard Nick turning on the shower.  I had this expectation that its spring break, He’s going to wake up slowly with me, turn to me and tell me how much he loves me, ask my how I would like to spend my morning and then of course cancel any of his plans or ignore any of his needs in order to meet MY needs.  Woah there, sista. I tell myself in hindsight.  Can’t a husband take a shower?  Aren’t those expecations all about YOU and aren’t they a little super-sized?  Yes, I confess.  How quickly my “good” desire for my husband’s presence and affection became “ruling” of my joy, my contentment, my start to the day.  Believe me, I tried to blame the Nyquil after I realized I was being quite demanding when I asked Nick to turn off the shower come back to bed with me.  He was in typical Nick-mode- wake up, shower, try to be out the door by 9 so he has time to spend alone with God before He goes to the office to work.   But I was in relaxed, carefree- spend time with ME- mode.  Not a good hubby/wifey combination for a morning.

But God used it to teach me a whopping lesson- and turned me from grumbling to praising all in the course of one morning!  THAT is a huge evidence of grace.  He not only convicted me of sin, but returned it with grace and perspective.  This was the order of it all: my expectations not met, angry heart, small fight with Nick, going for a run while listening to Paul Tripp’s “Be good and angry” series…then…BAMB… underneath the railroad bridge on West Rive Pkwy… I repented…. I ran into my father’s arms and said, “I will NOT go home without confessing in FULL to my husband and asking his forgiveness. I will not let him leave for work until I repent in FULL…. then BAMB again… God…DELIVERED me!  He reminded me 2 Cor. 9:8 that He is able to make all grace about to me in ALL things!  I trusted Him to remove my cowardly heart that wants to shrink and hide in my sin and give me boldness.  To walk in the door from my run desiring deliverance, desiring healing, making up my mind to let God “re-start” my day.

With a good sweat (I was excited to get home!) and through a few tears, I basically confessed the following to Nick which I’ll gladly share with you.  Here is how I was humbled on my run yesterday… (I’d also like to thank Paul Tripp!)

So my most massive desire in my heart this week which in itself was a good thing:  to spend some quality time with Nick.  Confession: Nick is pretty much my favorite person in the world to be with, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel really loved and appreciated, I love his personality and pretty much doing anything in life with him- being with him is just sheer enjoyment to me most of the time.  So my desire for his time and attention was pretty big coming into this week because this is spring break right? Key word: BREAK.  For me, that means I wont be on the campus a ton, but for Nick it means he’s still going in to the office M-F.  Of course, my desire for him to go in a little later and take longer lunch breaks and come home early was unspoken, which always goes down real good. (If you’re a fellow wife out there- I know you know what I mean)  Here’s the clutch.

As some of you may have experienced, when a desire for something “good” becomes “ruling” in your heart, anger and conflict begins to swell inside of us.  You know like how you sometimes just craaaaave that mocha from starbucks and then realize its closed?  Your desire for the mocha- which is a good thing- suddenly becomes your fuel for massive ANGER when you realize there’s no possible way you will get to have that mocha.  Well, that’s what happens to me A LOT in life.  I have all of these desires, expectations, standards that are way too high, hopes for things that are in-and-of-themselves good things.  But when they don’t give me what I want, when they don’t make me feel the way I want to feel, they become the fuel to anger and discontentment.  Because I wasn’t created to have “creations” serve me.  I wasn’t created to have mochas, husbands, exercise, friends, comfortable living, etc. serve me.  No wonder that don’t ultimately satisfy me!

I was created to have God alone in the person of Jesus Christ serve me.  Surprised that God actually wants to serve us?  He says it Himself in His word in Luke 12: 37 “Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will dress himself for service and have them recline at table, and he will come and serve them.”  He is rooted in a heart of service to His children.  Matthew Henry observes in His commentary on the whole bibe: “Jesus Christ was among his disciples as one that served, and did once, to show his condescension, gird himself, and serve them, when he washed their feet (Jn. 13:4, 5); it signified the joy with which they shall be received into the other world by the Lord Jesus, who is gone before, to prepare for them, and has told them that his Father will honour them, (Jn. 12:26.)”

When it seems WE should be the one’s washing the feet of Jesus, HE was the one washing ours.  When it seems we should have honored Him and treated Him as a higher king than any, instead we crucified Him.  It seems our God would not serve us, but that is the very foundation of His love- to serve sinners.  We were created to be served by Him and no other. 

So quickly I wake up with a worship issue.  Since I was created with an innate constant pulse to worship something, it only makes sense that worshipping and expecting things from things I wasn’t created to worship in the first place would lead to frustration, anger and discontentment.  My worship needs to be realigned from creation to creator.  From things and people to GOD alone.

I’m sure in the right mind, we could all look at the mocha incident and agree that an appropriate response would be, “Its ok, I don’t need to have that mocha today. I’ll just brew some coffee at home.”  But how badly did you want that mocha?  How badly did you think it would make you happy?  OH, I am all too familiar with believing things will deliver me from my lonliness, my pain, my boredome, my insecurity, my tiredness, my sin, or what have you.

I’ve just come to realize that with a husband as sweet and nurturing, as thoughtful, encouraging and loving, the closest person to me on the face of the planet, the person most gracious to me, the person I enjoy the most… is undoubtedly going to be the biggest “good thing” that I desire that quickly turns into a “ruling thing.”  On any given day, this will be of utmost temptation.

Scan your past week. What are the things and people in your life that you wish would satisfy your desires?  What fuels your anger?  Who or what do you often escape to only to wake up with a hang-over of “This wasn’t what I expected it to be,” or “This didn’t make me feel how I expected it to make me feel?”  I can already think of a zillion other things than my husband that don’t serve me like my God does.

So in the time span of my 45 minute run, the Lord was able to humble me.  Yes, seeing my sin is painful.  The fact that I hurt others is painful.  But I was released, delivered, and FREE after confessing to Nick that I have put his affection for me in the place of God’s.  He held me and forgave me before I was nearly finished my teary confession.

He is so like Christ.  And yet He is not Christ.  That is sobering- and I am happy to report that God is in the business of re-starting your day ANY time of the day.  He can do it at 8am, noon, 5pm, even 10pm, even 3am! Its so worth it to run into His arms a mess instead of running and hiding.  It has a far better result than letting anger have the foothold of my day..

Well, thats all for now folks!  Have a lovely weekend!  Don’t be too jealous of my weekend plans…

Signing off live from this beautiful cabin,

Katie

Nick's Cabin. New Auburn, WI. Me lighting the grill! I look like I've done this before, right?

The porch was quite the restful haven. We played lots of songs and sang and wrote. Definitely fun!

Cruisin'.

I like this pic. I feel like it reflects the plea of my heart... seeking light and freedom... seeking wisdom and glory from this great God of mercy. That is what marriage has really taught me. To seek. To ask for what I do not have. To glimpse moments of becoming complete in Him, of being healed by Him. The light in this pic is much like the light that Jesus has kindled in our marriage. He continues to shine on us, bless us and rescue us as we wrestle this battle of sin and life daily.

My baby lighting the fire. Good job baby!

We made blueberry/banana pancakes for breakfast... mmm mmm very good I must say.

We ate dinner at the "Larabee Lodge." If that doesn't sound hick-ish, I don't know what does! Beautiful view, no? Shortly after, Nick whooped me in a game of pig on the outdoor bball court. Not cool.

Awww. I am a lucky girl to be so loved.

I guess I love him too. Just a lil' bit.

The lovely weekend ended in a deep scrub down of the entire cabin... I couldn't resist. Much like God has used marriage in so many ways to deeply clean and scrub me too! I know that sounds wierd... but roll with me peeps. After one year, I am SO THANKFUL the Lord has revealed so much of my need for Him to come and remove old things still festering deep within me. Things that I stubbornly and angrily don't want the Lord to see or change, but then He DOES it, He changes me daily, and I am a transformed woman by Christ in our marriage every morning. Our marriage is entirely a different relationship after one year of growing together. It has been hard, sweet, emotional, blessed, and so rich with God's faithfulness. I know the deep scrubs will keep coming over the years... and I am watching the Lord change me from a stubborn and angry surrenderer to a willing and humbled surrendering woman. I am so thankful for my husband, Nck, who loves me and adores me. There's no words to describe waking up to the likeness of Christ. Thank you, Jesus, for this man who gives His whole heart and mind to you and leads me through this life. Amen for the first year of marriage!

These things are like a cherry on top of something greater.  Its the character of Christ that I see in him.  Its that He holds onto this life loosely and is willing to take risks to trust the Lord through- like raising a support team to make it possible to do college ministry.  Like being willing to move into dangerous neighborhoods to relationally share Jesus with people.  Its his confidence in the work that Christ has done on the cross for His sin- His total belief in God’s grace and freedom from the bondage of sin and death.  Its that he really loves me as Christ loves the church.  He is faithful and committed to our growth as Christians, and he is faithful to me.  He honors me, serves me, seeks my advice and opinions, is SO thoughtful for me, and is so gracious to me during conflict.  Its that he says to me, “My love for you is not conditional.  It is not based on how well you do, how much you do, or if you fail, it is based on my committment to you.  And nothing will change how committed to you I am.”  Who knew men like this exist today?  THEY DO!

The greatest dating advice I ever received in the area of dating was this, “Run hard after Jesus and life.  Make living for Jesus and giving your life away for others your biggest pursuit.  If God wants you to marry, you’ll run into your husband along the way.”

The day I threw my idol of marriage and relationships out the window after I went through some pretty bumpy break-ups and became a Christian and said, “Lord, here I am!  I want to serve you and give up my life to follow you.  Oh, and if you think its good for me when I’m ready, I would LOVE to marry a missionary!”  was the day that the Lord truly began drawing me closer and closer to this rare missionary.  In our American culture, its easy to think of missionaries as people who just fly to other countries to share the gospel.  Thankfully, God’s idea and purpose for missionaries is so much bigger than this stereotype!  All Christians are missionaries and are called to share Jesus in their entire lifestyle.  But I didn’t just want to marry someone who said they were a Christian.  I wanted to marry someone whose heart and life were actually transformed by the power of God. A man who was laying his life down that others might know this gospel of truth, grace, and freedom.  Someone whose values were not of this world or for this world, but of God’s kingdom and eternity.  I remember how my desire for my husband changed after I gave my life to Christ.  God truly gave met my desires with a man beyond my dreams.  Here’s what I got in my missionary husband:

1. A man who does not fear change

2.  A man who does not cling to comfort

3.  A man who values building up the kingdom of God more than gaining more worldly achievements

4.  A man who desires to mentor younger men and seeks counsel from older men

5.  A man who treats me like I am a queen (literally!  I feel so adored, loved and served by him!)

6.  A man who shares about Jesus in a non-threatening, relational and intentional way

7.  A man who is slow to anger and quick to repent of sin

8.  A man who is quick to forgive others and me!

9.  A man who in young, but whom the Lord has given wisdom and knowledge

10.  A man who loves to serve others

11.  A man who admits his weaknesses

12.  A man who stewards his money as though it is not his own, but God’s

13.  A man who loves to give his money to support others

14.  A man who is a good steward of his body: he eats healthy and exercises

15.  A man who loves one woman and is committed to one woman

16.  A man who sees the bible as the word of God and who uses it in ALL areas of his life

17.  A man who loves others and has compassion

18.  A man who would rather take risks that others might know Jesus than to live in his own world of comfort and security

19.  A man who never threatens or uses me, but respects me and honors me

20.  A man who supports my passions and dreams

21.  A man who encourages me to be creative and spontaneous

22.  A man who loves my family and brothers a ton!

23.  A man who helps around the house just as much as me   (I know, I know, I’m lucky!)

24.  A man who I trust

25.  A man who I delight to submit to and follow

26.  A man who I can’t wait to be a dad of our kids someday!

27.  A man who gives me great advice

28.  A man who takes me dancing and plans fun dates!

29.  A man who could be a professional listener

30.  A man who leads me closer to God and encourages me as I grow in Christ’s character

Thank you, God, for giving me Nick!!

I have found myself in this place not only when going through break-ups, but also in my prayer life. Praying for something and seeing God answer my prayer in a way that I did not ask for.  A way that I did not think would be as great as the way I would have answered my own prayer.  I fing myself identifying with the Psalmist in Psalm 77 asking, “Has God forgotten to be gracious?”

Today, when I am wishing the Lord would have answered my prayers in the way that I thought He would, I am fighting to remember all of the gracious work He has done and that His will is always good.  My best friend reminded me last night that God has heard my prayers and even if he answers them differently than I wanted, He is so good and faithful.  He will not forget any of my prayers, and He will be faithful to carry out His perfect and wise plan in the lives of all His children.  He will bring us all to completion.

In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord
To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph.

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, [1] “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?”

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah

When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Perhaps you weren’t led astray by the ferry-tales of Disney, but I was. Do you know what I heard on Minnesota Public Radio the other day? That Disney makes more sales selling princess and bridal accessories to five-year-olds than any other Disney Disney apparel… SAD! Five-year-olds are suppose to be skipping around in fields, playing and eating peanut-butter and jelly, not idolizing these female non-real characters as they prance around in bikinis while searching for their life-long lovers! Ok. I’ll stop my Disney rant. I really do like Cinderella.

Anyway. Marriage HELPS with SOME problems and is most definitely the sweetest gift apart from Christ I’ll ever be given in this life, but Hollywood did not prepare me for what is actually true about marriage. This is why I am so utterly thankful to have parents who are still happily married and to have been discipled/mentored by older Christian single and married women throughout college who gave me a REAL picture of singleness and marriage, the joys and struggles that befall, and how to be content either way. While its true that marriage does equate entering into a new and exciting chapter FILLED with amazing blessings, it helps to be sobered and trained for how to walk through what often becomes a battlefield.

I seem to be eagerly alert for the day that my marriage could at some point become my life’s biggest battle (and at times, feels like it!) … because in our culture it just seems that we’re doomed to expect it at some point, and in no form or fashion am I above the rest. But I do want to get to the root of why these battles begin, or I fear I’ll never change my ways during conflict with Nick. And I don’t want to be on the pathway of doom. Divorce will never be an option, till death do us part! I said it, and I meant it- forever and ever am I delighted and committed to work through conflict with Nick. I’ll admit I’m still very much a starry-eyed newly wed. Most days I think I could just stare at Nick and do nothing else… but we do have our fights. So, I’ll need help.

Instead of looking to Hollywood for the definition of love and romance, I am going to look to the bible and older, more mature married people than myself. God is the creator of marriage, so you’d think he has a lot more wisdom to offer us than Hollywood’s misrespresentation of the beauty and ideas of what being a woman is, what marriage is, and what husbands are suppose to be. I have yet to be proven wrong that the bible is more helpful than the media around me, but let me let you into a scene from my freshmen year of college…

I was so unsatisfied, but on the outside I had it all: a serious boyfriend, three jobs, perfect grades, a regular exercise routine, and awesome friends. Yet, I wasn’t happy. When circumstances didn’t go my way, do you know who I invited to my pity parties? Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughay. I would watch “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” over and over again or some other chick flick. Seriously, I would pop one into the tiny TV in my dorm room and watch it while planning “cookies and milk” night for our dorm hall. Ridiculous! I think to myself in hindsight. I watched these chick flicks because they displayed what seemed like true love. I would watch them and feel crappy cause I didn’t have it, yet hopeful because these movies seemed to portray that it CAN exist! Oh, if only I knew where to look to find it…

Hollywood combined with my sinful desires destroyed me… before I knew that I could be more loved and accepted by God than I could ever be from people. I assure you that I still watch movies regularly. Its just that I no longer bow down to what they tell me about who I am and what will make me happy in life. After living twenty-one years completely defining myself by the standards of our culture and the media, I have had a rude-awakening, after beginning to trust in Christ, to who I REALLY am and what is REALLY true about my self-worth in the eyes of God.

I’ll never forget the first day of kindergarten. I held a boy named Johnny’s hand, and I believe my teacher had to refrain many testosterone-filled five-year-olds from kissing me. I must have been hard to resist while proclaiming that Santa Clause was real and learning to sound out the alphabet! However, I remember feeling devastated when one boy decided he wanted to kiss Shelly instead of me because Shelly had her ears pierced! The chances of me being loved drastically sunk to somewhere below zero in my mind as a five-year-old. I couldn’t be loved for who I was… I had to have something more to get attention. It didn’t matter how much my parents loved and cherished me (which they did A TON!)… I was born with a natural tendency to sin and to want to be worshipped myself, rather than worship God. I was born with an innate desire to hear what God says, but to totally NOT believe any of it and look everywhere else- ANYWHERE else- but God for love and approval. Age 5-21 were the hardest most unsatisfying years of my life as I chased a false identity for one reason: to be needed and wanted by men.

I wanted to be the object of affection from the opposite sex from a young age. I wanted to be needed. I would do anything to get these things. Nowhere does our culture tell us that being a single woman is a joyful and wonderful experience. If anything, it tells us that the reasons for being a single woman are to show men that you don’t NEED them and you can make it for yourself without them. You can have your “Miss Independent” streak and shun away all attention from men all together. You can prove yourself. Well, I’m sorry. But, honestly, does this angry attempt at “Lone Success” truly make us happy women? What if we could be joyfully single? Patiently single? Single and still desiring the love and affection of an amazing man? I was anything but patient or happy.

I think deep down, we “independence seekers” are still unsatisfied because we were created with an intelligent design- with a radical opportunity to love and enjoy womanhood the way God has created it to be. Does this mean we should all be at home ironing and cooking with pink polka-dotted aprons until hubby and kiddies get home at the end of each day?! NO! Not at all! Perhaps for some, and that is perfectly ok if a woman feels called by God to serve her family and husband in this way. But this isn’t the only way, and its not mandatory for all Christian women. There is a biblical womanhood to be discovered, and it can be lived out in the working world, in politics, in schools, in hospitals, in the music business, in sales, the marketing world, in the home, and in so many other careers.

The sky is the limit with our God-given abilities as women, but it’s the motives and the heart behind why we’re living like we are- that determine if we’ll really be happy and satisfied or not. I think if we’re honest, at the end of the day, we’re all dying to be rescued and swept off our feet by the man of our dreams. Isn’t there a hidden desire in all of us women that wants to be rescued into the arms of a strong and trustworthy leader? I would find it hard to believe if women, at their true core, actually feel satisfied when they are doing the rescuing, date-asking and phone number grabbing.

Little did I know, I was this woman. But I grabbed guys’ attention in different ways than verbal requests for their presence across the table with me on a so-called date. I played the innocent “girl-next-door.” You know, the wholesome girl that people “desire for marriage.” The girl who you could just sit with and pour your heart out to, and she would comfort and listen. She would secretly gain more self-esteem from feeling needed by these relationships in her life. I liked being this girl. This girl that was hard to get, yet so soon would give anything to be in a serious relationship. If a guy EVER pursued me, I thought for about a millisecond before I nearly interrupted the invitation with a hearty and school-girlish: “Yes!” Almost as though I were being proposed to. I said yes as if my life depended on it- depended on assuring myself that I could get attention from men.

I have previously blogged about my struggle with irrational anger. I have no doubt that I will struggle with this again, but I am just now beginning to get to some deeper roots of where this anger is coming from. For most of my life, I have been defined by the amount of attention I could get from guys. As I begin to believe in different standards for who I am and how I am loved by God, I struggle to leave my old ways of thinking and believing. I struggle to believe that I am still worth something, I am still beautiful, and I am still wanted- even if Nick has to finish a work task, or even he would like to spend an hour reading his Popular Mechanics Magazine or spend a few hours playing racquetball at the U of M Rec Center with students. He does these things because he enjoys them, not because he desires them more than me. He would gladly cancel any of these things (and has!) to come running to my side to comfort me and be with me if I’m having a bad day. He will even come home from work for me!

He’s shown me over and over again that he truly cares and loves me more than anything in the world (besides God)… yet I still run to the lie that I’m not worthy of love unless I can remain the most attractive and desirable woman around. I place a lot of anxiety in maintaining this status- this status that says: Katie+ something = lovable. When God is saying to me in every moment: Katie + nothing = always lovable, now that I am saturated with the righteousness of Christ. This makes me worthy of love.

My dream is to be so changed by God’s love for me- His love that doesn’t ask or require me to add anything to who I already am- to believe so much in his grace covering all my shame and sin, that I am unaffected and unshaken if I am not wanted or “needed” by another person or my husband. I am the object of God’s affection all the time! Sadly, I am still living a lot of the time to be the object of someone else’s affection. Namely, my husband. I will love Nick better and be so much more gracious when I become a woman who finds her worth and identity in Christ before I look for my identity in my husband. I am confident that I am becoming this woman ONLY because God is faithful to me, though I go through trials and set-backs. The apostle Paul promises me that God is going to continue to work in me in Philippians Chapter 1.

Phil. 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading as I peel off the layers of myself and expose to you a rather broken and insecure girl, made confident and perfect through Jesus Christ… being made MORE like Him through my husband, Nick Stromwall. He is cuter, sweeter, more gracious, more helpful, more EVERYTHING than I ever dreamed in a the man I would marry. I don’t blame the media for my anger. I will take ownership for my sinful desires involved- my need to get approval, my desire to be perfectly physically attractive, my desire to be worshipped… its not getting these things that make me angry. When I get angry, I’m finding out, its because I am holding myself to a standard I cannot meet, or holding Nick to a standard that he cannot meet. Jesus Christ is the perfect resolution to our conflict. Jesus can meet all of our standards and provide for us a perfect relationship with Him alone, and we don’t have to meet any standards to get his love. We only have to believe that He is real and trustworthy to enter into a life-changing relationship with him.

We will still struggle, but we no longer have to give in to the dominion of sin and lies. Because of Christ, my idea of being a woman has been radically redefined. I can break free from the cultural lies I use to believe in and these recent patterns of anger. I hope that as I learn to believe that I am adored and desired by a perfect God that I will feel less angry and MUCH MORE GRACIOUS towards my husband when conflict arises. The more satisfied I am in God, the more I will give grace. Giving grace shows God’s mercy and kindness. Isn’t this what I want to show others?

I’m beginning to think so.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.