In this season of my life, the Lord has been gently convicting me of a grumbling, complaining bent attitude.  And if I’m honest, this is the season of my life in which I have the LEAST to complain about!  Yet, daily I wake up to the war of Christ at work within me vs. my prideful, self-centered, and falsely entitled heart.  When one little thing doesn’t go my way, I can quickly act or think as though people or things owe me something and that there is nothing to be grateful for.  What a joke, huh?  Don’t I sound like real snob?  I confess… that…sometimes…ok a LOT of times… that’s what I really am!

I have been saved from the depths of Hell, yet when there are piles of dishes to do at midnight, I choose to grumble rather than rejoice for the food we got to eat, for the people we got to have over, for the running water, soap and sink we have.  I think its safe to say, I need a good smack in the face.  And, most likely, if you’re an American, you may need one too.  Not that I’m judging!  (But I am).

How can a girl who’s faced hardly any real suffering be so ungrateful? I am learning that without being proactive about seeing and acknowledging the blessings I have been given, without delighting in or at least trying to understand the command from God to “give thanks always,” I don’t stand a fat chance of living with real joy.  If I don’t fight and ask the holy spirit to do a mighty work in me, I am doomed to be stuck in patterns of entitlement, complaining, ungratefulness, bitterness, and half-hearted gratitude towards people and my loving father who has so graciously given me all things.

A lot of times in my past, I’ve read books like this purely through a self-righteous lens, meaning that as I’ve read “how to” advice, I’ve largely banked on my own personal strength and capability to “obey God.”    I’ve read books like these thinking, “Ok.  I’ll do these five steps today.  Then, everything will be better in my life.”  Well, that’s like saying “I think I can, I think I can,” when the honest truth is that I really can’t.  Without real heart transformation breathed by the Holy Spirit, books like these are just merely “behavior management,” which never has any lasting effects.

I could fake being grateful for the rest of my life, or I could wait on the Lord and trust Him to transform me into a radically grateful woman in the face of huge losses or serious suffering.  I don’t doubt this is not an overnight transformation, but more like a lifetime. One of my biggest prayers for 2010 is to trust the Lord to radically transform me into a grateful woman by the work of His holy spirit.  I use to try to muster up all my own strength in order for change to happen in my life, but I can confidently say that my strength far too often fails me.  To be a real grateful woman is something beyond myself, beyond my own willpower.  I need an intervention from God to be the kind of person who “chooses gratitude.”  Its just so much easier to complain!  Wouldn’t you agree?

So this time around, I’m completely dependent on God to help me.  Every step is His, not mine.  He has offered me a promise, and I am believing that He is really interested in the character of my heart and transforming my old ways of thinking into His ways of thinking.

If you’re reading this, would you mind offering up a prayer for me?  2 Cor. 9:8?  I’d be mighty blessed if you would!

2 Corinthians 9:8
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”

He promises that He is able!  I’m real glad about that because I am not.

I’m half-way through this book, and the Lord has been faithful!  I can’t wait to tell you about the first week of reading the book and the few recent weeks in which God’s done a few 180’s on my heart.

So I’m finding out the universe doesn’t revolve around ME… and its strangely liberating.  And I have a ridiculous amount of things to be grateful for… you can only imagine how much repentance has come about from reading this book.  Gosh its good to be humbled and a little smacked in the face.

Thank you Nancy Leigh DeMoss for giving me a reality check and so much hope!

After our New Year’s Conference with 500 college students, we spent four days in San Diego, CA.   After hours of planning and late nights, working about 18 hours per day and staying up way too late at MNYC, we welcomed the rest! We have decided to make this an annual trip to get away

somewhere and take time to rest, evaluate, plan, pray and spend quality time together.  It was a highlight of our marriage!

We enjoyed the blessing of free hotel points, free breakfasts and a free flight!  Can you believe that? The only thing we paid for in CA was one flight, a few romantic dinners at the nearby mall’s food court, one cab ride and one bus trip.  Though this trip afforded me many comfortable perks, guess what I enjoyed the most?  My sweet husband.  My luggage got lost for the first two days of our trip, and I didn’t even mind!  I was content to wear my jeans, Nick’s T shirts, and my tennis shoes without even having the choice to bother with make-up or cute hair.  So here I was, this frozen Minnesotan thawing out in San Diego, cribbing it up at the Hyatt San Diego, with no luggage, no car, and no plan.  It was so liberating!  It made holding my husband’s hand feel like I had everything in the world.

Eventually my luggage arrived, which was great because then I got to take advantage of the hot tub, which I would love to transport into our apartment on Huron Blvd. up in Minneapolis. Pleeeez Tony, I can just imagine begging our landlord.  I know, I know, its bigger than our living room, BUT…. oh the simple pleasures of hot water.  I really did feel like I was thawing out after flying out of -10 degree weather!

I was so incredibly exhausted from our conference, (joyfully exhausted) and Nick and I had done so much planning leading up to it that we decided to make no plans or schedule for our time in CA.  We like spontaneously exploring places we’ve never been.  So, each day we woke up when the sun rose (since their time is two behind MN)- which was beautiful, then took advantage of our free continental breakfast (which was amazing!), and then my absolute favorite part of each day: sitting under the shade by the poolside with our bibles, journals, and each other. We talked, prayed, reflected, & learned more about God and each other.  Then, we swam or ran and then walked a mile and a half to a nearby mall to eat dinner at the food-court!  Good stuff.  On our last night, we took a bus to the beach and explored.  We found this small beach-side candle-lit Italian restaurant, where we enjoyed my  favorite: spaghetti and meatballs!  Conversation was rich and deep.

Our time was focused largely on resting and praying for vision and direction from the Lord in our marriage and life together.  I highly recommend to all couples!  It was one of the sweetest and most intimate times I have had with Nick yet.  He is my absolute best friend in the world, which made our four days such a delight!  More than reaping the benefits of San Diego weather, I got to reap the benefits of being Nick’s wife.  I get the privilege of being married to a man who has been richly invested into by older and wiser Christian men in his life, who have cared about him so deeply.  Nick has become an incredible leader in our marriage and shepard of my heart.  He took the time to prepare a list of things to pray through in CA, a bible reading plan for us to do together in 2010, and a detailed life, marriage, ministry, and personal evaluation for us to discuss together.  I really feel spoiled to be his wife.  I felt so honored, nourished and cherished by the way he prepared for our marriage and spiritual reflection.  He was inspired by the way Jesus would retreat and pray.

If I had to go back to that place full of sunshine, palm tress, ocean and rest, you bet I would!! San Diego, you are too good to be true.  Thankful to be undeservedly blessed.

I am from brothers’ clothes
The buttonhook on dad’s hand
In the backyard of summer

I am from bike jumps and bloody knees
Prayers and backrubs by my bedside
Dad’s surprise tickle attacks

I am from kleenexes
Tucked in a sleeve in case of tears
I am from a late night movie
On a school night

I am from cake rolls
Cinnamon gum in a purse
Crowds of people laughing
Cousins joking
Till stomachs hurt

I am from dirt paths
Cutting down Christmas trees
A small cabin overflowing
The clean plate club
Pink curlers and the boxcar children
Popcorn clouded skies
Endless with dreams

I am from sock fights on rainy days
Mochas and listening from blue eyes
The patience that taught me to drive
Taught me to live

I am from hands that let go
Freedom to become
Freedom to sing my own song
That love
Even so

I am from bike rides and road trips
Books on tape
Stories around a campfire
Guitars around a campfire

I am from cheers at soccer games
I am from cheering
At football
At basketball
At the Depot

I am from being amazed
At songs they write
At their humor
At their love
For a sister in tears
Or a sister on an amateur stage
Or at a project on beach
Or a sister in a fight
Even so
They love

I am from drums in the basement
Microphones and speakers
Crowds of boys in the house
I am from wanting to be cool
Like them

I am from the Christmas walk
Birthday Breakfast in bed
Cinnamon Rolls on Christmas
From homemade dinner
From buttons re-sewn
From fingers calming my back
Hot chocolate after
The snow jumps we made

I am from clothes on my back
And shoes on my feet
Dinner on the table
Every night
Lots of kids don’t have that

I am from fights and misunderstanding
And a powerful grace
Moments of re-creation
Redemption at work
A puzzle never-ending
Still being pieced

I am from a goofy face
Peering in the door crack
Holding a football blanket
Asking to sleepover
Night after night
Late night chats about mistakes
About redemption
Backrubs and peanut butter
Harmonizing to songs

I am from his hands
Showing me A, B, C, D
From power chords
And re-writing songs
His help, his intellect
His honesty
Another goofy face
Making me laugh
Making me think deep
Over coffee
Over a kid’s ice cream cone
Creative ideas
Made into real life

I am from the tree house
The boat, the music
I am from vanilla dipped in chocolate
At the drive through
Chocolate chip cookies
Baking

I am from their genuine songs
Ears and eyes
Gets louder, wiser
Freer
Over time

Here’s how I feel about airplanes:

1. It is to me the most unatural human experience EVER! I mean we are sitting in chairs in the sky THATS weird.

2. It’s like a life or death experience… Although Nick keeps telling me that I’m more likely to crash in a car than a plane. I’m encouraged to have the hope of heaven… To believe that death secure in Christ is only gain… Thanks apostle Paul!

3. Yeah I cried on my first plane ride. I’ve moved past the crying and I’m facing my fear! Wow I’m such a risky person can’t u tell?

4. Aaas yes. The people watching. The chance to observe mankind… I feel like airports give you a glimpse into so many different backgrounds… Cool yo.

5. Fighting to be eternally minded and to see His purposes in each moment… And wondering what kind of conversatons I will have on the plane… always an interesting place to get to know someone! I have to fight not to be introverted and individual… Oh and the fact that a little boy just ran into me and my luggage is helping! Haha! I need more distractions like that!

Well, like I said above… We’ll see what this east coast business is all about!

Peace!

“I Need You To Love Me”
Barlowgirl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

Rain slammed down hard on Loring Park
It slammed the stories
Of the boy who’s face was blown off by a bomb
Of the girl who carried her brother
On her back
Everyday
To get medicine

Into my mind

The mud splashing the misery onto my feet
As the puddles of distant pain grew deeper
They flooded the guilt of the American Individual
The guilt of having freedom
Of having enough

There were 10,000 people in Uganda
Huddled in a field, he said
He got a call and went
They escaped
A rescue worker died trying to help
She gave her life

Puddles deepening

I’m sure I could die of self obsession
Here in America
In Darfur, in Chad, in Colombia
They want to be safe
To eat food

Suffering, we all are
Some more affluently than others

We have a lot of stuff
What about empty jars without water?
They have so many over there
Got to pump it from wells
If they have a well to pump from

I never see where my water comes from
Know I get thirsty
Know what it feels like to appear full
But to be empty

If their jars were full
Would they want more?
Don’t we need more than food and water?
Looks that way, here in America
When I watch TV
When I go to college

I do
Want more
I can’t sleep sometimes
Because its not enough
The food
The water
My affluent quality of life

It’s not enough for me

Fallen, Broken
We are
In Darfur, in Chad, In Colombia
Everywhere
Here, in America

Fighting, Despairing
We are

Unconsciously attracted to life
Hoping forever is real
Rest for our souls
Wanting to know the secret
Groaning for places that sparkle
From conversation to conversation
Heaven, Utopia, Nirvana…
Begging to be given everything we need
Or acting like we need nothing

Jesus Christ says his yoke is light
Come to him; says he will give us rest
Wasn’t sure if he was just my “homeboy” a “good man”
Or a liar
Stopped believing in the cultural Jesus
Wanted to know him
For real

Truth

Use to think he wanted just the good ones
Now I know Him
Know he likes to take the ones broken, crying
Messy and honest
Like me

Says he will see us in paradise
Not because we’re good enough
But because of his mercy

I am a refugee
From sin
From guilt
From hiding
From the weight of others’ eyes
Got so heavy, I laid my burden down

Still fighting, but not despairing
Persecuted, but not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
His joy is going to be my strength

His joy, His strength

A free gift he says
But I want to act like I have
A wealth of knowledge and peace
Like I understand
But I don’t
Just know it felt real dark
And I got scared that the dark would take me
I needed a refuge
A rescue worker
Who would die for me

A free gift to
Everyone who is fleeing
Everyone who wants to escape
For all of the refugees

Who have nothing left but belief

I don’t feel free because of America
Or because I can eat, go to college, and be clean
Actually, I feel heavy chains here
Maybe there are chains are everywhere…

Maybe its because we’re all sinners—
We know not what we do

Offending a perfect God
Could we admit it?
Would we?
If we knew—
We could be completely accepted
Approved of
Lavished in grace

“Forgive them, Father—
They know not what they do,”
He prayed

But dancing with him
The one who made himself poor
Who loved prostitutes, outcasts, beggars
Like me

Laying my sin upon him
Like he’s my best friend’s ear
Being made new, scars erased
That’s where I feel the most free

For what he’s done now
What joy, what peace!
I am not who I use to be…

Never thought, never dreamed…

He’s come to free me
All I am is worth it to believe
Worth letting go of the past
Worth admitting I am weak
Worth it to start over
To see him live in me
Worth it to feel this true

This free

In my puddle, I can see that
I, too, am a refugee

Powerful how he enters
Dressed in white
He spills over a grey horizon
Over a lonely city

Shaken by his glory
Heads turn
Tasks unfinished
A sign to some that warmth is leaving
To others, warmth is coming

“Each year the beauty lasts less and less,”
Sighs a voice as we stare
Because in our eyes, it has fallen to soon
But, to him, this is perfect timing

So soon the swirls of white rest invisible
On streets and buildings,
But he has not gone away

I am glad he came like this
He stopped us all
And we looked out
We forgot about our coffee
We forgot about our problems
He distracted us
We saw his beauty
But we didn’t know it was him

A promise keeps
Unbroken in his hands
He will come back

And it will be like the first snow

The Minnesota Landscape Arberetum: http://www.arboretum.umn.edu/

Here are some pictures from a recent fall outing to the arboretum…

Erin and her daughter Payton

Nick and me

Trying to capture *pink*

Big and Red

Yellow and sunlight

Climbing Rocks!