Surviving Beyond The Season

This past Christmas Season was my favorite yet. Spending it with my husband for the first time and feeling hungry for more than just a holiday experience made it different than ever before. I’m not saying I didn’t get caught up in the negotiables of Christmas- you know- Christmas cookies, gifts, traveling, putting up the tree, etc. But there are non-negotiables on Christmas. Things that simply HAVE to be a part of it, or else it is just merely a holiday experience and not truly celebrated.

I can have a lifetime of wonderful Christmas experiences, but its not truly celebrated unless it dawns upon my soul that this holiday marks the first time in history that God chose to show us how understanding he is of us. He didn’t just rule from his throne, which he could have done, but he made himself one of us. He dwelt among us… had to be nursed, changed, raised as a child, adolescent, and young adult. It is quite possibly the greatest act of humility that God ever chose to carry out, save for his death on the cross. An all powerful and all-knowing king made himself a helpless baby to show us all his understanding of mankind.

We are not foreign to him. He can sympathize with all our temptations and all our needs. This reality hit me on Christmas Day. I was listening to cheesy Christmas music (which sometimes makes me want to gag) on the way to the Vanderheyden Family get together. Normally, I am preparing for intense social interaction on the way to these large family functions, but this year I was driving along in the Christmas madness with tears in my eyes completely detached from the Christmas experience and completely swept away in the Christmas reality- the reality that God did something he didn’t have to do, but he chose to make himself one of us, to actually live with us. Dwelling upon this act of mercy made it the most satisfying Christmas I can remember.

So, now its January. I was out of town for about two weeks celebrating Christmas with Nick’s family and then we spend a week in Milwaukee for the annual Christmas Conference put on by Campus Outreach. Our theme this year was “Free.” Nearly four hundred students came, and we had a blast. I learned too much to write about in this entry, but I am going to make it a goal to post about MCC08 this week. The most amazing part of the conference was seeing twenty new college students come to know Christ for the first time. Their lives have been eternally changed. The best part was seeing college students being transparent and real, acknowledging their sin and finding freedom to fail and to be accepted no matter what because God is merciful.

But, like I said, its January. Its real life again. Its working full time again. Its still negative temperatures outside. Its still dark by 5pm and not light until 8am (That’s a lot of darkness!). There is no more Christmas music (sort of a good thing!), and it would be weird if I started baking Christmas cookies post- Christmas. This is the time of year most northerners probably dread the most. I want to continue to experience joy and happiness because of the light of Christ who is in the world and alive in my heart, but I often get down during this season. As I drove to work today, I fought to tell myself… this is just a season.

Its also easy to have a wonderful and intimate experience worshipping God with believers at conferences and be totally impacted by the testimonies of students and the messages from the speakers. In fact, I think the talks given were some of the best I’ve heard at a conference. Conferences are really like a glimpse of heaven… being surrounded by worshippers praising God for his mercy and kindness… living apart from the bondage of worldly expectations… feeling total freedom to open up to others and share life. A lot of students don’t even have the time to evaluate life, much less evaluate their beliefs about God. So, it’s a beautiful experience for students (often bogged down from the weight of school and pressures of life) to come and just take a break. To come to an environment where the world is shut out and they can be surrounded by a community who does not judge them or hold expectations for them. They are free to come as they are and learn about their identity.

Christmas Conference is definitely a mountain top experience. It is a spiritual high, but the sad part is that for some, it is just a high and that’s it. Its not a life change or a catalyst for further growth, just simply another life experience to tag onto the endless years of summer bible camps. I’ve been to enough Christmas conferences and Christian events to know what happens right after they end. We go back to real life and often times, we go back to old patterns and relationships that don’t help us grow closer to Christ at all. We don’t know our own weaknesses or vulnerability to sin. We don’t know its creeping around the corner at just the right moment to attack us when we leave the mountain top.

We quickly forget the boldness and freedom we felt to worship God and talk freely to others about who He is. We come home and stick ourselves right back into the blender. We turn it on and blend until we cannot be seen. We don’t turn the blender off. We just keep blending. To not stand out. To not claim any beliefs. To just mix in. We push God’s promises far away and seek only to “fit in” with our fellow fruits(peers, families, culture, etc).

But in the back of our minds, we remember our hands lifted in praise, we remember that late night authentic conversation, that day at the coffee shop when we sat around and talked about life, fears, doubts, and God without ridicule, without feeling awkward, without persecution. We remember the tears that came to our eyes as we sang about Christ, we remember the fun and silliness. We remember how our desires changed. We remember how we saw the freedom in some of our peers… and we longed for it. We remember the commitments we made, the hope we found, the love and acceptance we experienced.

But now, its January. We’re home. Our old friends and family members are calling us, asking us to do the same things we did before, placing invisible pressures on us and expecting that we are the same person we were before. But the truth is that we aren’t the same anymore. We have been eternally changed. But will we ever admit that? Maybe we’re too scared, but the truth is, we aren’t the same at all. We want something more than this provincial life. We are now on a teeter-totter of living for the world or living for Christ. We have been challenged to let go of false securities, to behold Christ as a greater treasure than internships, jobs, school work, pleasing parents and peers, etc. We’re coming off of the mountain top, and I’d be willing to bet nearly half of the students from conference are now in a valley (if they’re anything like me!). We thought we could be strong on our own, but we’re so weak, we’ve already slid down the entire mountain and are on our faces in the valley. Some of us will survive. Some of us wont.

Some of us were really changed, and the conference wasn’t just a social shin-dig. There is no going back for us. Some of us couldn’t stand to go back to the old, unsatisfying lives we were living because we’ve experienced the tasteless emptiness and have been unsatisfied for way too long. But we don’t often realize that we have no way out of the old temptations without God’s faithfulness and without community and His Word to help us fight.

Some of us will go home and just continue blending in with the patterns and traditions of society and continue seeking the most praise from people that we can. Others of us cannot stand this anymore. We’ve lived for it for so long and have experienced its empty rewards. We cannot keep living like this, where we feel zero freedom and complete bondage to the expectations of other people. We have to get that job to impress… we have to go to that party and get wasted to be cool… we have to be X amount of pounds to be pretty… we have to build our resumes so that we get hired… we have to shove our beliefs about God under a rug so that people like us… we have to get our life plan in order… pretend we are always doing ok…

Let me tell you something. The day I surrendered all of that anxiety to Christ and told Him I was willing to give up my life to follow Him, I have never felt FREEER. I have never felt MORE productive and purposeful. I have never felt so satisfied. I no longer live to meet the expectations of friends or family whom I love dearly. I live to be satisfied in my relationship with Christ alone. I live to show others His grace and mercy. I don’t live for fame or success or praise from anyone. I live in the freedom that I’m totally accepted by Christ because he has lived perfectly for me and he has canceled my record of debt (Colossians). When I surrendered everything I thought I knew, all of my doubts and fears, and trusted Christ to lead me, you’ll never believe how my life began to fall into place! I met my husband, began singing and playing guitar more, I found awesome jobs, and God provided for me financially and relationally with great friends and a great church. I knew God’s promises, but I also had to let go of my low-risk life and begin to pursue spiritual growth with everything I had.

I was not partial anymore to who God was, I threw my entire heart and soul into knowing Him more. Some people in my life thought I was turning into a freak, but would I rather have their approval or an all-satisfying relationship with Christ? Losing a few people’s praise and friendship really doesn’t feel like a loss at all in comparison to how many friends and how much joy I’ve gained from knowing Christ. I love and care for these friends deeply and hope that they too will find joy Christ. I am learning to rest in not feeling total approval of everyone and its so sweet to relish in the satisfying friendships that I do have.

It’s a harsh reality to say that we can’t be the ones to decide if we will survive or not when we are in the valley. That really depends on the people we are surrounded with. Its like entering a war without an army if we just go back to the same crowds who influence us away from Christ. We are alone. We don’t have a chance at changing. But if we prioritize our relationships and who we spend time with, we just might be a survivor. We may have a chance at conquering the war if we have the army of believers and God’s strength. We maybe able to break away from our sinful patterns of living, but its not going to be easy. We may have to make some different decisions, but if we are following Christ, we will delight in making decisions that glorify Him! If we aren’t following Christ, we’ll see no need for change and it would seem pretty koo-koo to do things differently.

Would we be willing to become that one college student who lives a little differently than the mass crowds? Ok… this “one student” is starting to sound really weird to their friends probably and to the rest of the world… maybe even to their families. But this one student is also the one student who is breaking free. This one student is finding true life and reality in Christ. This one student will be satisfied and filled up, rather than temporarily happy and puffed up. Their reward is in heaven, and it will be unbelievable.

Lest this one student sound better than others, let me assure you they aren’t. They are just living for something different, something more freeing. Who I was before I knew Christ was not anything like the “one college student.” I didn’t value sexual purity. There are certain people in my life that I had to have a beer (or more) around every time I hung out with them because that’s how I could gain their approval. I had to go to parties to maintain my social status. I had to primp myself a little extra if I were around the opposite sex. I acted like whoever I hung out with so that I could be accepted. I didn’t go to church every Sunday. I sure as Jamaica didn’t read the bible. I cared unbelievably about success and having titles to my name. Then, I met the real God. The real God who accepts me if I am trusting in Christ. Who accepts me weather I am a success or a failure. And let’s be honest, I am a failure daily- a failure as a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a child of Christ, etc. But I’m ok with that! I’m free to admit it! It means nothing about my identity in Christ. I am not loved any less.

To be “that one student”… is not to say that we can’t hang out with certain people- that would be totally unbiblical. Jesus Christ hung out with tax collectors and sinners. He spent most of his time with his disciples, teaching them about the mysteries of God and sharing his life by example with them. He was fed and nourished in the community of believers. This enabled him to go out into the world and befriend prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners.

What’s interesting about Jesus is that he is a lot harsher to the religious leaders than he is with prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners (Read the book of Matthew!). Jesus is more angry at the people who “practice” religion and have an outward appearance of obedience, but they love their own glory more than God’s (Definitely the old me!). Their practicing of religion makes them seem better than everyone. It makes them wealthier than everyone because they used the church as a marketplace. I don’t know the historical account of this, but I imagine it was something like using the church’s profit for their own personal lives rather than for the kingdom of God. Jesus is furious at this false example of following Christ. He yells at these people. He’s furious at pretending, outward appearances.

But he is gentle, kind, and compassionate to the beggars, the outcasts, the prostitutes. These people are poor and needy and repentant. When Jesus reveals himself to them, they believe. The religious leaders come face to face with the son of God and do not believe at all. They are the ones who supposedly read the bible and have all of the knowledge of the prophesy of Christ coming into the world, yet they see him and do not believe. They crucify him instead.

So, I ask myself… will I be a pretender? A two-face? A hypocrite? By God’s grace, he will protect me from becoming like the religious leaders he was so angry with. After reading the book of Matthew, I am convinced that I have only two options in life: To follow Christ or not. To follow Him is not to be taken lightly. I either completely surrender control, pray for His will to be done in my life, and let go of old bondage of sin, or I try to live for the world and for Christ- which is basically not truly living for Christ. The scary part is that the choice I make will lead to eternal life or eternal death.

If Jesus is a lunatic or a liar, then all of this is hocus-pocus nonsense. Our pursuits of Christianity are in vain. But I believe that what he says is true and that it may heap up persecution and trial in this life, but it keeps me hoping for the day that it all will end. The day that I will live in complete satisfaction and glory with my God forever. If I choose to follow Him, to let Him be the author of my entire life, it wont be easy, but it will be worth it!

The journey of following Christ has just begun for many new students as it did for me 3 years ago. I fear for them like I fear for myself. I am prone to wander, prone to worship people, marriage, job titles, money, what people think of me, physical beauty and success rather than God. My prayer is that these students would be stronger than me! That they would be sustained by God’s grace and strength and empowered by Christ to live differently than they were living before- differently than I lived most of college. I pray that they would not be ashamed to share their experience of knowing Christ to the friends and family in their lives. If they really are hoping in Christ, would they be willing to die to themselves and find true life in the life of Christ?

May Christ be glorified in the lives of the survivors! May their Christ- experience NOT be just a season, but a a lifetime!

January 9, 2009 | Categories: Authentic Thoughts | Tags: Christmas Conference, doubt, Fear, freedom, Jesus, letting go | 2 Comments »