What a Love, What a Cost
I don’t think there has ever been a time where I’ve heard or sung this song without a wet face afterwards. There’s something about this one that stirs my emotions about what God did for me more than any other song. The message of what Jesus has done when I know I don’t deserve it… his complete and total forgiveness is overwhelming in the face of my unworthiness.
Its so easy to get distracted, especially with moving over the weekend, but as Nick and I took a break to go to church yesterday, I was pierced by every single word in this song. To think this is the news that Jesus came to tell the entire world… to think that through his suffering, I am free from the heavy guilt that follows ever bitter thought and every evil deed within me. What a love, what a cost! Of everything in my life- this is the reward I deserve least… and yet this liberation is graciously given to me. It lifts me from anguish to the deepest happiness and joy I’ve ever felt. A God who understands my weaknesses and has compassion on me… why should I gain from his reward?
“The Power of The Cross”
Written By Keith Getty
Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
CHORUS:
This, the pow’r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev’ry bitter thought,
Ev’ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.
Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
“Finished!” the vict’ry cry.
Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.
FINAL CHORUS:
This, the pow’r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Secure
Jesus
The mediator of our love
Only covered in His blood, can you love me
And I dare love you
Though my flesh fail,
My heart grow weak
And death be near
The bond of our love can never be broken
We’re anchored by the life and death of Him
Your son
Though your enemies wage a war
No, I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me
And though my crimes were committed in your presence, God
You forgave me
Now, not even for a moment
Would you let me go unloved
This you have promised
You love me
And
Nothing can separate us
I am secure
Inspired by: Romans 8:38-39
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Growing and Changing
http://www.hopefeathersphotoblog.com/
John 15:2 says “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary… can you believe it? It has been two of the sweetest, refining and sharpening years the Lord has given me. So much in me has come to the surface… so much in me has been reevaluated, pondered, repented of and… changed. I have such a tender-hearted and sweet husband! He has spoken such encouraging and wise words to me over the years.
I know that might sound funny, but the definition of ‘prune’ is so comparable to being a believer. Prune 2: trim (a tree, shrub, or bush) by cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems, esp. to increase fruitfulness and growth. Its exactly what God’s been doing in me. At first glance… that’s not a pretty picture. But that’s not where God has stopped. His pruning is freedom-causing. Love- causing.
He gently cuts away dead or overgrown branches or stems, all for what? To increase fruitfulness and growth. It would be painful without the life, death and resurrection of Jesus given on our behalf or the promise that “we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:18 )
I have just been massively hit with the realness of God’s faithfulness to me in this season. After these years of wrestling with the Lord through loads of insecurity, fear, and doubt… Something in me has…changed. Something that is so tangibly not of me.
There’s something about David’s songs in the Psalms that displays that God has proved something to Him. David is so stinkin’ expectant of grace. “As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!” (Psalm 40:11 ) After the past few years, my heart has grown so expectant of this grace because its been proved over and over.
I wanted to share a few verses full of truths that I have prayed would transform me throughout the past 2 years, often through tears, knowing God was faithful, but not yet seeing him bear these fruits in my life. Anyone know what I mean in that?
Col 4:6
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
Ps. 62:1-2
“For God ALONE my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. 2 He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”
Gal 5: 22
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.”
Psalm 119:133
“Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me.”
Psalm 120:2
“Deliver me, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.”
James 1:19
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.”
Psalm 63: 8
“My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”
In my first year of marriage, I asked Nick to pray these verses for me. and I’ve been fervently asking the Lord to transform me by the reneal of my mind with these specific truths because, in all honesty my mind was a product of believing lies. It was a diseased place that needed healing, restoration, and years of meditating on things that are TRUE.
God wasn’t lying about his faithfulness. The Word I have prayed has returned to me with fruit of His spirit. I’m finally experiencing true freedom from places of bondage. He’s proven so much to me of his character. “What I could not earn, Jesus earned, what I could not defeat, Jesus defeated, what I could not bear, Jesus bore. He is my solitary hope.” (-Paul Tripp- I echo him deeply!)” I am not greatly shaken. I am at peace more often. I am slower to anger. I rest more. When I fear, I am reminded that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. And I’m alright.
I’m convinced that we are called into seasons for very specific purposes that God has planned to use in the advancement of His kingdom. I could tell sweet stories of how he’s used the past years for His glory. After these past few years, I feel like I am…a newly blooming flower. I feel the breeze blow against new skin… with a new mind, a new freedom, a lighter heart, a greater awareness of sin and what an incredible savior and father I have, a deeper freedom to fail, a deeper trust that I am secure in Him. Everything in my life is different. I’m so caught up in Christ’s love for me and his work he has set out for me to do, I’m not dwelling in my past or failures…instead He’s causing me to “forget what lies behind, and strain forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13-14) And, just like all flowers, I will continue to die and re-bloom. I only know Him a little bit, but I am intimately acquainted with His faithfulness and steadfast love to a weak woman- its changing everything.
So… for the big 2 year celebration, of course Nick went all out. He surprised me and took me to a B&B on Lake Peppin! We stood in awe of God’s steady work in transforming us. We sat by the lake in silence. We stared into creation… and not only proclaimed, but believed and evidenced that His faithfulness is real. “…The old has passed away; Behold, the new has come!” (2. cor 5:17). I am overcome by what God promised: “you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”
I’m expecting so many more seasons of pruning, but its fruit-bearing and growth-causing. Its worth every season marked by suffering.
Praying for strength for those of you walking through really hard seasons right now… there is a deep joy in not knowing its purpose… but years later seeing His steadfast love and how He never left you in it. How He’s advancing His kingdom through it.
Healed.
Can you relate to me in this? Sometimes I’m having a sweet season with the Lord, I see the value of coming and depending on him even when I’m not tangibly in need… I’m given the blessing of consitency… but then I have a morning like this: I will reach for my bible, journal and pen, go to my little haven (a.k.a. my big white chair) and sit there looking out my window. Then, I’ll remember I need to start the laundry so it gets finished in time for… then I get a text which reminds me I need to send that email… then I remember I need to take out chicken from the freezer so it will be ready in time for dinner… don’t judge if this is not your struggle 
I think it is a common theme for the believer to come to the Lord as a last resort. Its so common to arrange our lives around things that seem important, around needs that seem most tangible. Even in desperate circumstances, it’s easy to exert every amount of human effort to change a circumstance before it dawns on us to pray… at least I see this pattern in my own life.
I read this story of the woman in the crowd in Mark chapter 5 through new eyes today and felt pressed to post about it. Its worth a read, if you have a quick moment!
“And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I will be made well.” And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.” (Mark 5:25-34 ESV)
Can you see yourself in this woman? For years, she has gone to different physicians to cure her disease. When they all seemed to make her well, they actually made her worse. It says “She spent all that she had.”
Something really sweet is happening in a dear friend of mine’s life from high school, whom I haven’t talked to all through college, Sara! We met up at Starbucks and caught up on our lives and our college experiences. To see her courage to be so raw and honest about her life was a huge refreshment. In her own words she said, “I just feel like I’ve tried everything, but nothing is satisfying anymore. I’m 26, and I just can’t keep living my life this way.” It wasn’t long before my eyes welled up with tears after we talked about Jesus for a while, which I’m sure always looks weird to people on the first coffee date But to see someone reaching out in the chaos of their life, someone reaching out for the garment of Jesus, to be healed by him… As I listened to Sara, I knew exactly how she felt. And I know that there is something about that feeling that is TRUE. Her hunger reminds me of my hunger when I felt the same way my junior year of college. She’s already come to church and is joining a small group to have other women in her life!
It makes sense that we run and literally hunt down every other form of refuge because we’ve never known Jesus as a refuge. When we live in a world that promises us lies, that deceives us by making things look true that aren’t… we don’t believe that he could truly be an escape, a green pasture to come and rest in until we cast ourselves upon him. Even as a last resort, he proves faithful!
Anyone else drawn by the way the woman with the disease believes finally after 12 years of trying everything else? Her made up mind that he could heal… “If I just touch his garments, I will be made well.” What gets me about this story is that in her sickly condition (she was constantly bleeding) she runs out into the crowd where people are trampling and swarming Jesus just to see if she might be able to touch even just a sliver of his clothing. I love how her desperation moves her directly past all of the failed physicians, past all of the crowd and directly to the true healer.
And she touched his clothing, and she was immediately healed. But notice he doesn’t just say she is physically healed… its her faith that makes her well. In all of the accounts of Jesus healing people, he seems to have such compassion on their physical state of suffering, yet its not ultimately their suffering that causes him to heal them. Its because they trusted him, they believed in him and acted on that belief by calling out to him… and we read Jesus commend their faith, that their faith healed them… ultimately their souls.
I am learning a lot in this season about a similar pattern in my own heart and life. I am coming out of a lot of years of running to everything else to heal me, but by the grace of God learning to be like this woman! Learning to go directly to the only true healer. Learning to run past everything to go directly to Jesus. I find myself wondering… how long had that woman heard of Jesus before she believed he could really heal? When Jesus says, “Who touched me?” wouldn’t it have been so easy for Jesus to tell her all about the times she ignored him, for him to remind her of her sickness and all of the money she had spent thinking that people or other things could heal her. Wouldn’t it be just like the heart of man to make that woman feel guilty and ashamed?” That’s why I love Jesus. He does not have the heart of man. He has the heart of God. Forgiving, taking pleasure in her as she “fell down before him and told him the whole truth.”… waiting to be her father.
(Huge sigh). This gets me. This messes me up. Instead, he calls her “Daughter!” He says, “Your faith has made you well, go in peace and be healed of your disease.”
There is so much evidence for us to believe that “…God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” (John 3:17)
Because God speaks for himself, I will leave this post at that.
I Love Him
Happy Spring!!
Today I am really grateful. There is nothing greater than being given the steadfast love of the Lord and His new mercy every morning. In fact, THIS morning. So often, I wake up with such a dead heart… and somehow He comes and melts me. Well, its safe to say I’m being melted here at Overflow Cafe.. physically and emotionally. Physically because its a whopping 70 degrees and the sun is shining here in the otherwise frozen tundra of MN!! (Hence, the Happy Spring greeting)… and sitting outside hearing the water from the fountain is also reminding me of life… emotionally because of the Word. It is NO JOKE. I just can’t believe that every time I open it, I come alive. Is it so strange that God’s own voice resonates with all the longing in my soul? The soul that He made? It makes perfect sense…
As I am reading this morning, I am humbled to tears. Because none of these words would make me come alive if Jesus had not died on the cross. If He was not my perfect advocate, the atonement for all my sin… if He had not come and opened up my mind and my heart, I would remain spiritually dead and unawakened. I would not have a heart of stone turned into a heart of flesh.
I was reading through the Psalms a bit today… and I just leaped in my soul echoing David in Psalm 65:1-4…
“Praise is due to you, O God, in Zion, and to you shall vows be performed. O you who hear prayer, to you shall all flesh come. When iniquities prevail against me, you atone for our transgressions. Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts! We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!”
There is just nothing better than being a daughter of such a worthy, humble, righteous king. I am a welcomed sinner in the arms of God. I am free to be showered with love and affection from Him… oh this is so much more than I deserve. This is so much better than anything else this life could offer.
All I can say today…is… I love Him. I love Jesus. He’s come to such great lengths to rescue me… and it is so sweet to be saved by Him! I am in awe of His gift of life to me… of His steadfast love to such a wandering, lost distracted girl. His humility and selfless love.. If that’s what God is like, I have so far to come in being like him. If that’s what God is like, I cannot help but fall on my face and worship Him alone. I can’t help loving Him today.. what grace. These moments are rare… there are few days where I actually love Him.
Today, I do. All because He has first loved ME. I sinned against God, and He loved me. A pretty lopsided exchange, huh? His love doesn’t make sense, it seems so foolish He would love His enemies… He would love me. I feel all light-hearted in my soul today… what can I say? I’m totally captivated by Him today.
A Friend Who Changed My Life
It is one of my dearest friend’s 25th birthday today. Her name is Jen Jacobs. And let me tell ya’ll, this is a day to celebrate!!! When a friend’s birthday rolls around, I start to get really consumed with myself. (Sad, right? Like aren’t birthdays for celebrating OTHER people? No, I’ve come to find out everyone else’s birthdays have become all about me.) For example, this is the conversation I had with my husband last night: “Nick!! It’s Jen’s birthday tomorrow. Actually, her GOLDEN birthday. What should I do? What would be the best? Coffee? Take her out to dinner? Wait, I want to make her something. No… let’s take her to one of her favorite desert places… Should I come surprise her at her school with flowers? Golden Balloons? NO I could bring cupcakes to her classroom!” And on and on I went proclaiming all of the things I could do for her. I imagine that’s how God’s love is towards us, so full of desire and affection to let us know how deeply he cares. Nick reminded me, “It’s the thought that counts- just remembering someone’s birthday means a lot to them.” I sighed. “But?!!?”
I am usually consumed with “ME” when it comes to relationships. I am consumed with how I can perform for my friends. So celebrating birthdays becomes all about me and not about truly loving and celebrating life with that person, though somewhere in the cloud of my performance is genuine care and love in hopes to make my friend feel thought for and encouraged. God is so merciful to me in my selfishness! This is an area I am growing in, and the Lord is revealing more and more that He does not require anything of me in a human relationship but to love and share in the riches of Christ with that person. I so often get consumed with what I can offer someone when I can look to what God has to offer someone. He is required to be everything for my friends, not me. So I can feel really free to celebrate and enjoy my friends when I am with them knowing that their ultimate happiness in life can be far greater met by God Himself.
But there are certain people who have given me so much that I would give them the whole world if I could! Jen is one of those people. Instead of the whole world I am landing on something quite simple today. Instead of giving her a gift, I want to tell the world about a friend who changed my life. And let her be encouraged that her laboring as a friend has been such a worthy effort and risk in my life and has overflowed into countless other’s lives.
This could be one long blog post because Jen has been through most of my life experiences up close through the past five years. I got the joy and delight of being her roommate (of ALL people, God- you chose ME?! ) and the joy of sharing mostly all of my college classes with her. You can bet we got to know each other pretty well.
In fact, when you get to know someone THIS well, chances are you’ll find out about each other’s weaknesses and realize that friendships take work and at some point giving up becomes an option. But relationships in Jesus Christ are so radically different. Still full of the same imperfections as in all relationships, yet so full of forgiveness and hope, commitment and love.
Jen has always been an old soul. Someone who is in this world, but not of this world. When I met her, I remember thinking exactly that. She was different. She was truly a light in a crooked generation to me. A friend that loved and cared more deeply than anyone I had known at the time.
My journal in the fall of 2004 reads, “Dear God, I am so lonely. Please send me one friend.”
I know, I sound like a sad case. But I WAS! I had just transferred to the U of M, with zero real friends and lost in a crowd of about 60,000 people. Yikes! I couldn’t think of anything but to ask God to give me what I didn’t have.
About two weeks later, I ran into Jen on the street. We recognized each other because we actually attended half of eighth grade together at Wayzata Central Middle School- so it was like a six year reunion on Washington Avenue! Six years had gone by since we had seen each other- and bam! Our lives collide! I use to think stuff like that was just “fate” or “random.” But God would be robbed of so much glory if that were true. His wisdom and planning are so deeply apart of His character. Based on what God says about Himself in His word, I don’t believe that God is a random God at all. I believe He is a wise God whose plans are very high. The plan of my friendship with Jen began that fall, and my life has never been the same. Only God could ordain something this far beyond my efforts to “win friends.” This friend was not won. It was mercifully handed to me from God.
Jen’s life was changed as a seventeen-year-old girl when she prayed to receive Christ into her heart and into her life. I got the pleasure of meeting her two years later to hear about all of the amazing things that God had been doing in her since she first believed in him. I saw something different in her. There was a freedom, a joy, a sincere care for people, and what pierced me most was to see the deep intimacy that she had with her God. She was a girl in love with what seemed to be a person, an actual being. She carried real peace and real purpose in her life.
She embraced me into her life at such a weak and lonely time of mine, and it was just what I needed. She has always been excellently hospitable to anyone, but she was especially hospitable to me. She was the kind of friend that made me lunch, had me sleepover, went running with me, stayed at coffee shops too long with me, listened endlessly to me spill out the secrets of my life I had kept hidden for so long. Truly a friend who stood beside me through anything that I went through. The bravest thing she ever did for me was talk to me about who Jesus was. And braver still, she bought me a bible.
She so gently and warmly leaned into my life. There were times I wouldn’t want to have a friend that knew me so well. I was afraid to be known for who I was, but once you meet Jen, you know she will welcome you no matter who you are in a heartbeat! And I learned that I was welcomed just as I was, full of weaknesses, and she was such a gentle ear and forgiving voice to me.
The friendship with Jen ultimately led me to repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. Somewhere in my junior year of college, I truly believed that Jesus was God. The bible was no longer some old, dusty, “historical” book. It was God speaking to my heart! It was God telling me of His love and mercy!
The next few years went by, and Jen introduced me to so many other women involved in Campus Outreach, a college ministry in Minneapolis, where I got plugged in and totally loved on by so many other students and women. I got to also be friends with amazing women like Samm, Mary, Lydia, Kathy, Holly, Erin… so many others!! I got to watch Jen care about more than just her college education. She had the courage to ask other women on the campus for coffee. She loved telling me about the conversations she was having with girls who did not believe in Jesus. A strange friend Jen was? Yes, strange. Christians are very strange. You’re either drawn to the light of Jesus in them, or you’re not. I could not resist the power and freedom that seemed to flow like living water through Jen’s life. I could not go on living without having all the riches that she had found in this God she called Jesus Christ.
So here I am today, by God’s grace and His will- working in college ministry full time. TOTALLY NOT my life plan!! Would I be walking into freshman dorms and sharing life and Jesus with other women if it weren’t for Jen? Probably not. If I had not seen someone consider souls to be such a precious thing as Jen did, I don’t think I would give one rip if people knew Jesus or not. But it is deeper than a friend just showing me how to give my life away, it is the reality that now lives deep within me- that I know Jesus for who He really is, the pleasures of His love and kindness He spills into my weaknesses, the love and affection that he has for me though I am so lowly and full of calamity. I can no longer help this pulsing desire for other women to know this tender-hearted loving father.
This fall, I have been going into the dorms with two women who are seniors in college: Justine (Jen’s sister) and Brittany . Both women have been discipled by Jen and other women and have become believers in Jesus through God speaking through Jen. It just hit me profoundly watching Justine and Brittany walking into the dorms one night. I had this bird’s eye view of it all. Four years ago, Justine and Brittany were not walking with Jesus. Neither was I. Jen gently came alongside all of us at different times and mentored/discipled us. Now four years later, I see their lives radically changed AND filled with desire to give their lives away to other students on the campus. God has breathed life into these women, and I believe many more women will get to share in this breath of life through Brittany and Justine, and by God’s grace, even through me. All the boasting belongs not to us, but to Jesus.
As I have spent time with Brittany in the dorms, we have both shared with other freshman about the work that God has done in our lives. The conversations include the gift of Jen’s life to us every time. As my husband and I raise financial and prayer support to work in college ministry, the friendship of Jen is regular conversation.
Jen is now giving her life away as a teacher at Hope Academy, laboring to share the gospel and nurture these children of the city. Her compassion runs deep because she draws it from the well of Jesus. His compassion is deep. Because He loves the children of the city, He has caused Jen to love them too.
Because He loves women who are in college, He has caused Jen to love women in college. I believe that the gift of her life has radically changed the lives of four women: Me, Brittany, Justine, and Laura. We will now go out and share our lives too. And many will see and believe that Jesus is God.
God is relational to our human hearts. He is close to us because he put on flesh to dwell among us in the person of Jesus. I am so thankful for a friend as brave as Jen, who loved me enough to share Jesus with me. The depth of relationships through Christ is one of the most satisfying, challenging, and rewarding gifts the Lord gives. It is a worthy risk to go deep in friendships, to work through sin, to be open and honest and let the light of Christ shine and cultivate life-changing bonds.
God blessed me (and still is!) through knowing Jen, and my life hasn’t been the same since! The labor of Jen’s friendship in my life has not been labored in vain. She has been the friend that has prepared me the most to work in college ministry by living out her life in front of me. God showed me that there is a specific purpose and calling on my life too. Like He would not spare Jen, He would not spare me. And there are many more to be spared.
May God get all the glory for His awesome work in and through this sweet friendship!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!
Carried To The Table
A lyrically excellent song. Visit their Myspace page and have a listen!
Lyrics to Carried To The Table :
By Leeland
Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
Breathing This In
I’m getting more and more into this. Blogging from remote locations in the moment when something captures me. I am watching small boats ripple through water like glass up at the rustic Stromwall cabin. So Many days are a fight to get up, but today God woke me up to His peace, His silence, His glory, His healing. And coffee. This is great breathing in this creation He allows us to dwell in.
Two large themes of my summer thus far have been healing and processing. These seasons come and go, and for the moment I am soaking in this slow and rejuvinating grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for being the healer of all of us who are suffering and for letting us come to you as we are.
My Life In Pictures!
This has been my resting place as of late. God pours His light through this window, and I have been spending time processing through a lot of things journaling and reading here. I am thankful for a season to rest and feed on His Word.
I have spent almost ever free moment I have in this musical corner pouring out my heart to the Lord in song. His grace and pursuit of my heart has overwhelmed me with the reality of Jesus. Writing and recording is my rather introverted way of trying to be extraverted about how AMAZING Jesus is!
Our kindergarteners at Hope Academy graduated! Praise the Lord for these blessed children of the city.
Nick surprised me randomly with this binder filled with worship song guitar tabs and lyrics. He spent weeks copying hundreds of songs from our church and compiling them into this huge purple thing! He is so thoughtful, and I am so thankful God gave me this husband!
We spent a day in Stillwater, a quaint riverside town in MN
Nick and I have had to forgive each other more than we ever thought we'd have to in these past few months. It is sweet seeing God's grace change us and redeem our marriage again and again. After our sin being revealed so transparently and vulnerably, its amazing I still love Him, and He still loves me! Only through knowing a merciful God is this possible. Thank you, Jesus.
I am a now a hair-stylist! This was so fun. I did my cousin Hannah's hair for her prom! I love this girl 
My first "boy" hair-cut! Yes, I cut Nick's hair for the first time. Downside: Our floor was really hairy You like? I think he's pretty cute if you ask me.
Surviving Beyond The Season
This past Christmas Season was my favorite yet. Spending it with my husband for the first time and feeling hungry for more than just a holiday experience made it different than ever before. I’m not saying I didn’t get caught up in the negotiables of Christmas- you know- Christmas cookies, gifts, traveling, putting up the tree, etc. But there are non-negotiables on Christmas. Things that simply HAVE to be a part of it, or else it is just merely a holiday experience and not truly celebrated.
I can have a lifetime of wonderful Christmas experiences, but its not truly celebrated unless it dawns upon my soul that this holiday marks the first time in history that God chose to show us how understanding he is of us. He didn’t just rule from his throne, which he could have done, but he made himself one of us. He dwelt among us… had to be nursed, changed, raised as a child, adolescent, and young adult. It is quite possibly the greatest act of humility that God ever chose to carry out, save for his death on the cross. An all powerful and all-knowing king made himself a helpless baby to show us all his understanding of mankind.
We are not foreign to him. He can sympathize with all our temptations and all our needs. This reality hit me on Christmas Day. I was listening to cheesy Christmas music (which sometimes makes me want to gag) on the way to the Vanderheyden Family get together. Normally, I am preparing for intense social interaction on the way to these large family functions, but this year I was driving along in the Christmas madness with tears in my eyes completely detached from the Christmas experience and completely swept away in the Christmas reality- the reality that God did something he didn’t have to do, but he chose to make himself one of us, to actually live with us. Dwelling upon this act of mercy made it the most satisfying Christmas I can remember.
So, now its January. I was out of town for about two weeks celebrating Christmas with Nick’s family and then we spend a week in Milwaukee for the annual Christmas Conference put on by Campus Outreach. Our theme this year was “Free.” Nearly four hundred students came, and we had a blast. I learned too much to write about in this entry, but I am going to make it a goal to post about MCC08 this week. The most amazing part of the conference was seeing twenty new college students come to know Christ for the first time. Their lives have been eternally changed. The best part was seeing college students being transparent and real, acknowledging their sin and finding freedom to fail and to be accepted no matter what because God is merciful.
But, like I said, its January. Its real life again. Its working full time again. Its still negative temperatures outside. Its still dark by 5pm and not light until 8am (That’s a lot of darkness!). There is no more Christmas music (sort of a good thing!), and it would be weird if I started baking Christmas cookies post- Christmas. This is the time of year most northerners probably dread the most. I want to continue to experience joy and happiness because of the light of Christ who is in the world and alive in my heart, but I often get down during this season. As I drove to work today, I fought to tell myself… this is just a season.
Its also easy to have a wonderful and intimate experience worshipping God with believers at conferences and be totally impacted by the testimonies of students and the messages from the speakers. In fact, I think the talks given were some of the best I’ve heard at a conference. Conferences are really like a glimpse of heaven… being surrounded by worshippers praising God for his mercy and kindness… living apart from the bondage of worldly expectations… feeling total freedom to open up to others and share life. A lot of students don’t even have the time to evaluate life, much less evaluate their beliefs about God. So, it’s a beautiful experience for students (often bogged down from the weight of school and pressures of life) to come and just take a break. To come to an environment where the world is shut out and they can be surrounded by a community who does not judge them or hold expectations for them. They are free to come as they are and learn about their identity.
Christmas Conference is definitely a mountain top experience. It is a spiritual high, but the sad part is that for some, it is just a high and that’s it. Its not a life change or a catalyst for further growth, just simply another life experience to tag onto the endless years of summer bible camps. I’ve been to enough Christmas conferences and Christian events to know what happens right after they end. We go back to real life and often times, we go back to old patterns and relationships that don’t help us grow closer to Christ at all. We don’t know our own weaknesses or vulnerability to sin. We don’t know its creeping around the corner at just the right moment to attack us when we leave the mountain top.
We quickly forget the boldness and freedom we felt to worship God and talk freely to others about who He is. We come home and stick ourselves right back into the blender. We turn it on and blend until we cannot be seen. We don’t turn the blender off. We just keep blending. To not stand out. To not claim any beliefs. To just mix in. We push God’s promises far away and seek only to “fit in” with our fellow fruits(peers, families, culture, etc).
But in the back of our minds, we remember our hands lifted in praise, we remember that late night authentic conversation, that day at the coffee shop when we sat around and talked about life, fears, doubts, and God without ridicule, without feeling awkward, without persecution. We remember the tears that came to our eyes as we sang about Christ, we remember the fun and silliness. We remember how our desires changed. We remember how we saw the freedom in some of our peers… and we longed for it. We remember the commitments we made, the hope we found, the love and acceptance we experienced.
But now, its January. We’re home. Our old friends and family members are calling us, asking us to do the same things we did before, placing invisible pressures on us and expecting that we are the same person we were before. But the truth is that we aren’t the same anymore. We have been eternally changed. But will we ever admit that? Maybe we’re too scared, but the truth is, we aren’t the same at all. We want something more than this provincial life. We are now on a teeter-totter of living for the world or living for Christ. We have been challenged to let go of false securities, to behold Christ as a greater treasure than internships, jobs, school work, pleasing parents and peers, etc. We’re coming off of the mountain top, and I’d be willing to bet nearly half of the students from conference are now in a valley (if they’re anything like me!). We thought we could be strong on our own, but we’re so weak, we’ve already slid down the entire mountain and are on our faces in the valley. Some of us will survive. Some of us wont.
Some of us were really changed, and the conference wasn’t just a social shin-dig. There is no going back for us. Some of us couldn’t stand to go back to the old, unsatisfying lives we were living because we’ve experienced the tasteless emptiness and have been unsatisfied for way too long. But we don’t often realize that we have no way out of the old temptations without God’s faithfulness and without community and His Word to help us fight.
Some of us will go home and just continue blending in with the patterns and traditions of society and continue seeking the most praise from people that we can. Others of us cannot stand this anymore. We’ve lived for it for so long and have experienced its empty rewards. We cannot keep living like this, where we feel zero freedom and complete bondage to the expectations of other people. We have to get that job to impress… we have to go to that party and get wasted to be cool… we have to be X amount of pounds to be pretty… we have to build our resumes so that we get hired… we have to shove our beliefs about God under a rug so that people like us… we have to get our life plan in order… pretend we are always doing ok…
Let me tell you something. The day I surrendered all of that anxiety to Christ and told Him I was willing to give up my life to follow Him, I have never felt FREEER. I have never felt MORE productive and purposeful. I have never felt so satisfied. I no longer live to meet the expectations of friends or family whom I love dearly. I live to be satisfied in my relationship with Christ alone. I live to show others His grace and mercy. I don’t live for fame or success or praise from anyone. I live in the freedom that I’m totally accepted by Christ because he has lived perfectly for me and he has canceled my record of debt (Colossians). When I surrendered everything I thought I knew, all of my doubts and fears, and trusted Christ to lead me, you’ll never believe how my life began to fall into place! I met my husband, began singing and playing guitar more, I found awesome jobs, and God provided for me financially and relationally with great friends and a great church. I knew God’s promises, but I also had to let go of my low-risk life and begin to pursue spiritual growth with everything I had.
I was not partial anymore to who God was, I threw my entire heart and soul into knowing Him more. Some people in my life thought I was turning into a freak, but would I rather have their approval or an all-satisfying relationship with Christ? Losing a few people’s praise and friendship really doesn’t feel like a loss at all in comparison to how many friends and how much joy I’ve gained from knowing Christ. I love and care for these friends deeply and hope that they too will find joy Christ. I am learning to rest in not feeling total approval of everyone and its so sweet to relish in the satisfying friendships that I do have.
It’s a harsh reality to say that we can’t be the ones to decide if we will survive or not when we are in the valley. That really depends on the people we are surrounded with. Its like entering a war without an army if we just go back to the same crowds who influence us away from Christ. We are alone. We don’t have a chance at changing. But if we prioritize our relationships and who we spend time with, we just might be a survivor. We may have a chance at conquering the war if we have the army of believers and God’s strength. We maybe able to break away from our sinful patterns of living, but its not going to be easy. We may have to make some different decisions, but if we are following Christ, we will delight in making decisions that glorify Him! If we aren’t following Christ, we’ll see no need for change and it would seem pretty koo-koo to do things differently.
Would we be willing to become that one college student who lives a little differently than the mass crowds? Ok… this “one student” is starting to sound really weird to their friends probably and to the rest of the world… maybe even to their families. But this one student is also the one student who is breaking free. This one student is finding true life and reality in Christ. This one student will be satisfied and filled up, rather than temporarily happy and puffed up. Their reward is in heaven, and it will be unbelievable.
Lest this one student sound better than others, let me assure you they aren’t. They are just living for something different, something more freeing. Who I was before I knew Christ was not anything like the “one college student.” I didn’t value sexual purity. There are certain people in my life that I had to have a beer (or more) around every time I hung out with them because that’s how I could gain their approval. I had to go to parties to maintain my social status. I had to primp myself a little extra if I were around the opposite sex. I acted like whoever I hung out with so that I could be accepted. I didn’t go to church every Sunday. I sure as Jamaica didn’t read the bible. I cared unbelievably about success and having titles to my name. Then, I met the real God. The real God who accepts me if I am trusting in Christ. Who accepts me weather I am a success or a failure. And let’s be honest, I am a failure daily- a failure as a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a child of Christ, etc. But I’m ok with that! I’m free to admit it! It means nothing about my identity in Christ. I am not loved any less.
To be “that one student”… is not to say that we can’t hang out with certain people- that would be totally unbiblical. Jesus Christ hung out with tax collectors and sinners. He spent most of his time with his disciples, teaching them about the mysteries of God and sharing his life by example with them. He was fed and nourished in the community of believers. This enabled him to go out into the world and befriend prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners.
What’s interesting about Jesus is that he is a lot harsher to the religious leaders than he is with prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners (Read the book of Matthew!). Jesus is more angry at the people who “practice” religion and have an outward appearance of obedience, but they love their own glory more than God’s (Definitely the old me!). Their practicing of religion makes them seem better than everyone. It makes them wealthier than everyone because they used the church as a marketplace. I don’t know the historical account of this, but I imagine it was something like using the church’s profit for their own personal lives rather than for the kingdom of God. Jesus is furious at this false example of following Christ. He yells at these people. He’s furious at pretending, outward appearances.
But he is gentle, kind, and compassionate to the beggars, the outcasts, the prostitutes. These people are poor and needy and repentant. When Jesus reveals himself to them, they believe. The religious leaders come face to face with the son of God and do not believe at all. They are the ones who supposedly read the bible and have all of the knowledge of the prophesy of Christ coming into the world, yet they see him and do not believe. They crucify him instead.
So, I ask myself… will I be a pretender? A two-face? A hypocrite? By God’s grace, he will protect me from becoming like the religious leaders he was so angry with. After reading the book of Matthew, I am convinced that I have only two options in life: To follow Christ or not. To follow Him is not to be taken lightly. I either completely surrender control, pray for His will to be done in my life, and let go of old bondage of sin, or I try to live for the world and for Christ- which is basically not truly living for Christ. The scary part is that the choice I make will lead to eternal life or eternal death.
If Jesus is a lunatic or a liar, then all of this is hocus-pocus nonsense. Our pursuits of Christianity are in vain. But I believe that what he says is true and that it may heap up persecution and trial in this life, but it keeps me hoping for the day that it all will end. The day that I will live in complete satisfaction and glory with my God forever. If I choose to follow Him, to let Him be the author of my entire life, it wont be easy, but it will be worth it!
The journey of following Christ has just begun for many new students as it did for me 3 years ago. I fear for them like I fear for myself. I am prone to wander, prone to worship people, marriage, job titles, money, what people think of me, physical beauty and success rather than God. My prayer is that these students would be stronger than me! That they would be sustained by God’s grace and strength and empowered by Christ to live differently than they were living before- differently than I lived most of college. I pray that they would not be ashamed to share their experience of knowing Christ to the friends and family in their lives. If they really are hoping in Christ, would they be willing to die to themselves and find true life in the life of Christ?
May Christ be glorified in the lives of the survivors! May their Christ- experience NOT be just a season, but a a lifetime!
Homeless Child
(An Excerpt from my personal journal)
Friday, August 08, 2008
1:49 PM
Father, thank you so much that you love me and forgive me- you shed on me your grace, which I am endlessly undeserving of. God, its amazing how you reach me. Amazing that you reach down to my cold, cold, cold heart. My heart that becomes a stone so fast. My heart that becomes undesirable of the only thing worth desiring- you. God, being married has revealed so much truth to me. It has shown me so much of how hurtful of a person I can be. And it has shown me such a picture of Jesus, of how much Nick forgives me and loves me and stands by my side. God, you are growing me, slowly, there is so much evidence of grace in my life. I am overwhelmed by the grace poured out on such a sinner. Its like when vanilla ice cream drowns underneath oodles of thick, chocolate fudge. I am the drowning vanilla ice cream. Your forgiveness clothes me like thick fudge.
Lord, I have been wandering, sinking, falling away from treasuring you. I have put my hope in things I own, put too much faith in flesh and bone, lived carelessly.
I am begging you Jesus to give me new perspective. Give me a new heart, new hands, new feet, a desire to give away my life.
Father, its taking all I am not break down and cry in Caribou right now. My heart is just so broken. So confused about how being a Christian is possible when I am such a hypocrite. And yet- this is what being a Christian is. Being a hypocrite and being forgiven for it. (more…)
Dreamland
So it seems… that I spend a lot of my time in dreamland. It can look a lot of different ways. Me running down the street, dreaming of one day running with a body like the one that just surpassed me on East River Parkway. Or me sitting in a puddle of self pity after I’ve realized I’ve just blown off a scheduled coffee date with a friend because I double booked amidst the craziness of wedding planning and grad school. Or me sitting on a bench waiting for the bus, staring into the sky imagining “Super Katie,” who is inevitably much better than the actual Katie awaiting the bus. Or how about this one? The dream of “Princess Katie-” I’m walking down the isle to marry my prince (also known as Nick Stromwall)- The dream is perfect. I am smiling with a really cheesy wedding smile, I have a great tan going, there’s marvelous music playing, I’m thin, my teeth are so white you are surely going blind if you’re look at them, I finally have that freckle removed so I wont look completely covered in freckles when my strapless dress reveals that I actually have more freckles than any other person on the face of the planet, oh- and there’s this glow in the air, and Nick is flawlessly googling his eyes at me as I perfectly prance down the isle like Tinker Bell.
Bamb! Like the strike of mid-night in Disney’s Cinderella, my dream, most likely conducted by an unending collection of bridal magazines ,is awakened by the notorious interruption of my cell phone. Ok. Let me float down in my parachute for a second while you look for my glass slipper. (more…)
